Boundaries Vs Avoidance: What’s the Difference?

Boundaries are key to our emotional health. When we can set clear boundaries, we thrive not just in our relationships but in every area of our lives.

Healthy emotional boundaries, which come easily to those with a secure attachment style, can help build greater self-esteem, bring focus to your own wellbeing (versus just the wellbeing of others), and help you avoid burnout.

But for those with an insecure attachment style, it can often be difficult to understand the difference between boundaries and avoidance.

People may think they’re setting healthy boundaries, but they’re really being avoidant.

Here’s everything you need to know about the difference between boundary-setting and avoidance.

The Differences Between Boundaries & Avoidance

Boundaries are communicated.

When we set healthy boundaries, we can speak our truth and needs out loud. For example, someone setting a boundary at work may say, “I understand that we both have a lot on our plates, but after 5 p.m., I’m focused on my family. I’ll be able to answer emails in the morning when I return to the office.”

If someone is avoidant, they may answer emails after hours sometimes and ignore them at other points, sending confusing messages to bosses and colleagues. Not only can this be frustrating for the people you work with, but it could affect how people view you in the workplace.

If answering emails after hours is not for you, make that clear—and be consistent with it.

Avoidance is passive and reactive.

While boundaries are empowered and intentional, avoidance is the opposite of that. People often engage in avoidant behavior without quite knowing what they are doing, meaning they’re typically reacting to the behavior of someone else rather than being intentional and purposeful.

While boundary-setting comes easily to those with secure attachment styles, it can be more difficult for people with fearful avoidant attachment styles, anxious preoccupied attachment styles, and dismissive avoidant attachment styles.

The purpose of a boundary is to do something healthy for yourself.

Boundaries come with a very specific purpose: To do something healthy and meaningful for yourself. Avoidance, on the other hand, is often fear-based or may come from defensiveness.

Many of us have had the experience of having a relationship in our lives that feels very one-sided—maybe a friend or family member is constantly venting to us, and they don’t offer much in return.

Someone setting a boundary may say, “Hey, I’m always here to support you, but sometimes I need to talk about what I’m going through, too.” If someone is avoidant, they may stop responding to texts or phone calls or only respond now and then without explaining why.

Significantly, it can also help you overcome any limerence you might be feeling.

Avoidance only provides temporary relief

Think of that feeling of seeing your phone ring, seeing the name that pops up on the screen, and deciding not to answer it. You’re not trying to be mean; you just don’t want to talk to that person—and you decide you can call them back later.

This is avoidance.

Eventually, you’ll have to call them back. Or maybe you won’t, and the dread and guilt will continue to pile on. A boundary, on the other hand, is different. Maybe you have a boundary around when you answer texts/make phone calls so they don’t disrupt your day. If that’s the case, you’ve likely already communicated this to the people in your life, and they’ll know that you will call them back during that time.

Boundaries improve relationships

It might not always seem like it—especially if you have an insecure attachment style—but boundaries improve relationships. When clear boundaries are set, people don’t have to guess your intentions and are less likely to take things personally.

Avoidance, on the other hand, is destructive to relationships. People often struggle to make sense of certain actions, or notice that you’re avoiding them in certain situations. This kind of behavior isn’t good for you or the people you have relationships with.

The purpose of avoidance is often to shut a relationship down

Healthy, well-implemented boundaries can often help a relationship blossom. This might be a romantic relationship, but it could also be a working relationship or a relationship with a friend.

Whether intentionally or not, when people exhibit avoidant behavior, they’re actually shutting a relationship down. Because they’re not communicating their needs or wants healthily, the person they have a relationship with will likely end up confused or resentful. This kind of behavior shuts a relationship down -- and for some people that can be a relationship deal breaker.

Using Boundaries to Become Securely Attached

Boundaries are essential to becoming securely attached. If you know how to set healthy boundaries between yourself and your friends, partner, workplace, and family, you'll be more secure and comfortable with your thought and confidence.

However, it can be difficult to set boundaries if you don't know where to start. Firstly, it's best to determine what type of attachment style you have as this will start your journey.

Then, consider our course on boundaries -- it may be a great option to help your journey to setting healthy boundaries.

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