How to Beat Limerence
Wed Nov 01 2023
Tue Nov 21 2023
The Personal Development School
Are you completely head over heels for someone you’ve only just met? Do you find yourself daydreaming about your future together? Do you have situationship?
You might think it’s love – but it could be limerence.
Limerence is extreme infatuation: a state of being obsessed with another person with an intense desire to reciprocate feelings.
The powerful feelings of limerence are met in a person's fantasy, as their reality is not meeting their emotional needs. The issue is that sometimes people can’t tell if they're in love or limerence.
Learning the signs of limerence, understanding the downsides, and learning how to overcome it can be a helpful tool for personal growth, the recovery process, and becoming a more securely attached individual.
With that in mind, here’s your guide to how to permanently beat limerence.
What are the Signs of Limerence?
The difference between true or romantic love and limerence was coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in the 1970s.
She summarized that those who had encountered trauma in childhood (such as those with insecure attachment styles) were more likely to experience limerent thoughts and feelings later in life.
Therefore, being able to tell the difference between true love and limerence is essential. Here are six signs that you might be experiencing the latter, not the former:
Obsessive thinking of the person. A common trait for limerent obsession. This doesn’t just include thinking about them all day but also making life choices around their needs or wants (such as choosing their favorite music or what to wear around them).
Extreme longing. You might experience a deep sense of sadness and frustration that you can’t be with the person, whether that's a trusted friend, colleague, or another partner. It gets to the point that you might feel actual pain as you’re in an intense emotional state.
Extreme fear of rejection or disconnection from this person. The underlying feeling is that you fear being rejected by this person if you do something wrong around them. You wouldn't be doing that if you're in love with someone as they would accept mistakes from you.
Fantazing the reciprocation. Do you daydream about your future, marriage, children, holidays, and all these fantasies of where this relationship can go - despite not forming a proper relationship with this person? This is when you fantasize about the emotional reciprocation, and it can lead to overwhelming desire and strong emotions.
Putting the person on a pedestal. This is when you believe the person is untouchable and can do no wrong. You crave their affection and intimacy. But it's not them that's amazing; it’s a reflection of your lack of self-belief and confidence.
Obsessive behaviors. Over time, you begin to take more "controlling" obsessive actions, including always calling, clinging to them, and trying to control the person and your life. In some cases, this relates to compulsive disorders, such as OCD.
What are the Downsides of Limerence?
The issue with limerence is that there are two sides to the coin: feeling euphoria and excitement around forming this fantasy relationship can be great. The other side is that it can destabilize relationships with ourselves and our lives.
Here's how limerence can negatively impact you:
Self-abandonment. When you constantly think about the other person, you’re not present in your own life. Due to a lack of self-awareness, you tend to put yourself second, lowering your self-worth and self-love. This can lead to anxiety, depression, lower self-esteem, and hopelessness.
Obsessiveness. You become so obsessed that it destabilizes your social life, social groups, family relationships, marriage (through infidelity or affairs thanks to feeling “romantic love”), and career.
They don’t work out long-term. This intense feeling makes you become obsessive and controlling, so you end up pushing the other person away.
Destructive actions follow. As mentioned above, your obsessive behaviors make you do things you don’t normally do, causing issues within the relationship – and leading to it not working out. Which, in turn, impacts your emotional well-being and mental health.
How to Beat Limerence Through Reprogramming
1)Address and meet your subconscious needs. When you’re in a limerent state, it’s because your emotional needs are not being met in your reality. The person you've obsessing over is highlighting traits that you want for yourself. Ultimately, they can't give it to you.
You have to identify those needs yourself and work to build healthy habits to meet them.
These strategies include setting up a time to check your feelings and needs, encouraging and complimenting yourself more often, and reassuring yourself you can do it. This is the kind of support that The Personal Development School offers as part of our All-Access Pass.
2)Express our repressed traits. You must acknowledge and practice the repressed traits you love from the person. It’s an essential part of the healing process.
For example, suppose the other person is assertive and strong. In that case, you now have to express and practice those traits in a consistent manner (as mentioned in the advice above) to help get your needs met.
3) Developing a subconscious comfort zone. You have to find a comfort zone in how you treat your feelings and needs.
This will take to develop. You'll have to find your own mental zone where you can express your needs comfortably to yourself and others.
Developing a secure attachment to yourself will help you find this comfort zone naturally.
4) Setting boundaries. Setting healthy boundaries when limerence arises with a person is extremely useful. You have to put a pause and think about your intrusive thoughts and actions when around this person.
Set up physical boundaries (so you don’t bump into them), thought boundaries (think alternative thoughts on the person), and emotional boundaries (don’t attach your feelings towards them).
The more often you do this, the stronger your boundaries will become, helping you focus on yourself, not them.
5) Challenge the equilibrium. When you have limerence, you only see the good in that person. But you really have to consider the traits you were attached to and the downsides to those traits; it’s about gaining valuable insights into the real individual. It’s almost like grieving the situationship.
Find out the person's flaws to see who the person is. An example could be financial instability. Do they spend money without considering your future? That might clash with your beliefs and approach to finances, challenging your positive perception of them.
Then, look at the benefits of letting this person go. See how better your life could be without them being around you. It might feel painful at first, but as time passes, you'll focus on how great your life could be without them.
Remember – beating limerence might seem challenging, but it can be done. And with The Personal Development School’s limerence courses, we can support you through it so that you can find love with yourself.
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