Dismissive Avoidants & Breakups

Dismissive avoidants and breakups are a common question for relationship experts.

First, a little background...

Attachment theory takes deep dives into how people typically act in relationships, but there’s less information out there about what happens if you’re insecurely attached and go through a breakup.

Those with high attachment avoidance—such as those with a dismissive avoidant attachment style or fearful avoidant attachment style—tend to display very specific behavior when a relationship ends.

Here, we will be focusing on what people with a dismissive avoidant attachment style tend to do when they go through a breakup.

Firstly, let's look at why they just end relationships.

Why Do Dismissive Avoidants Suddenly Breakup?

Dismissive avoidants (DAs) tend to be very sudden with their breakups.

This is because when they get close to someone, they fear they'll lose their independence. So, in fear, they'll dump the person they're with. To them, intimacy is a threat. They begin feeling overwhelmed, and returning to their own self and security net is how they can protect themselves.

DAs have a core wound of "I am weak when I’m vulnerable" and "I am trapped" when they're in a relationship due to their childhood experiences. When their core wounds are triggered, they break up with the person.

However, that's not to say that all dismissive avoidants break up suddenly. Some genuinely take their time to assess the relationship.

But it's just good to know why they might do it.

Whether you recently broke up with someone with a dismissive avoidant attachment style or you have a dismissive avoidant attachment style yourself, here's what to expect post-breakup.

Behavioral Patterns Displayed by Dismissive Avoidants During a Breakup

They detach quickly.

While certain attachment styles may find themselves holding on to a relationship after it has ended (those with anxious preoccupied attachment styles may do this), people with dismissive avoidant attachment styles tend to detach quickly.

They may stop responding to their ex completely, and not just if they’re asking for closure. They may not respond to an ex who asks if they can come to pick up things they left at their house.

This coping mechanism is called “stonewalling,” and those with dismissive avoidant attachment styles tend to engage in it because their childhood trauma has taught them that relying on others will make them vulnerable. Due to emotional neglect they may have experienced as a child, they want to deny the need for connection first.

As a result, people with dismissive avoidant attachment styles only want to rely on themselves, especially after a relationship ends.

They repress emotions for a long time.

After a breakup, securely attached and even anxiously attached people may express their emotions right away. They’ll cry, scream, and mourn the relationship. Dismissive avoidants, on the other hand, tend to feel nothing. But it’s not because they’re actually feeling nothing. It’s because they’re repressing any “normal” emotions that typically bubble up after a breakup.

People with dismissive avoidant attachment styles tend to repress any emotions around the breakup until the six-week mark at the earliest, but they may not really feel the impact of what they’ve lost until it’s been about three months.

Those with a dismissive avoidant attachment style tend to do this because feelings of loss or abandonment scare them and make them feel weak, so they push them down. Normal feelings around a breakup will surface eventually, but it may take some time.

They place focus on independence and freedom.

As mentioned above, relying on others is a scary feeling for people with dismissive avoidant attachment styles. So when a relationship ends, they tend to focus on all the freedom they now have to do their own thing and focus on themselves instead of someone else.

Unfortunately, this initial relief doesn’t last. In the period where other attachment styles might finally be getting some peace of mind after a breakup, those with dismissive avoidant attachment styles are hit hard.

They seek out creature comforts.

Anyone who has ever dabbled in the world of self-care knows that certain actions can make us feel a lot better when going through hard times: Getting enough sleep, exercising regularly and even watching your favorite movies can all be excellent, healthy coping mechanisms.

But people with dismissive avoidant attachment styles are unlikely to lean into these behaviors. They tend to self-soothe by numbing their feelings with substances like alcohol or overeating, or they might engage in mind-numbing activities like video games, binge-watching bad TV or endlessly scrolling through social media.

These are short-term fixes, however. Eventually, a “boomerang”-type effect will happen and people with dismissive avoidant attachment styles will find that they miss the security and comfort of the relationship they had with their ex.

They might rebound with very independent people.

People with dismissive avoidant attachment styles may not rebound, since they typically focus on the freedom of independence that comes with a breakup.

If they do rebound, it probably won’t happen immediately (usually after that six-week mark, at the very least). When they do, they may seek out someone who is also very independent or even someone who also has a dismissive avoidant attachment style.

Even if someone with a dismissive avoidant attachment style was in a relationship for a long time, in rare cases, they might find themselves rebounding into another long-term relationship to avoid experiencing feelings of abandonment and other typical feelings that come with a breakup.

Do Dismissive Avoidants Regret Breaking Up?

After a breakup, DAs tend to suppress their feelings and emotions, acting like they are not affected by the separation. This is entirely different from those who are anxiously attached.

However, the most powerful action they take is "counterfactual thinking", which they use to "counter the facts about the breakup", most likely resulting in them placing a negative in their relationship.

They convince themselves that the relationship was doomed anyway, the ex is at fault, or there was no point being part of it, and it is better to be free. Eventually, DAs think the breakup was the best decision.

So ultimately, while they might regret the relationship ending, they'll never admit to it.

Becoming Securely Attached

Dismissive avoidants might struggle with breakups internally, causing plenty of strife, tension, and angst. The best way to overcome these tendencies -- and the initial fear of breaking up in the first place -- is to become securely attached.

Whether you have a dismissive avoidant attachment style or another insecure attachment style, The Personal Development school can help you become more securely attached in just 90 days with our All-Access Pass.

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