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5 Steps to Cultivating Secure Attachment


Reading time:

4 min


Published on:

Fri Sep 08 2023


Last updated:

Wed Apr 24 2024


Written by:

The Personal Development School

Cultivating a secure attachment style is crucial for building healthy and fulfilling relationships. Whether you have an anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment style, it is possible to transform it into a secure one.

By engaging in self-reflection, fostering emotional awareness, and actively practicing new behaviors, you can create a secure attachment style that forms the foundation for meaningful connections.

How Does a Secure Attachment Style Develop?

A secure attachment style is the only one of four attachment styles that is secure.

It develops from a childhood where a person is supported emotionally, mentally, and physically by their parents or caregivers.

For example:

As a child, when they experienced sommething that deeply upset them and expressed it to their mother or father, their caregivers completely receives their emotions, attuned themselves to their situation, and give helpful feedback.

Essentially, their needs are met as a child. Those that have unmet needs tend to develop insecure attachment styles.

But since they had their needs met, they learn that vulnerability, trust, and emotional attunement feel good, both a conscious and subconscious level. This helps them develop the belief that you can connect and rely on others.

However, that's not the only way to become securely attached. You can transform your insecure attachment style and culivate that secure attachment style.

Here's what happens when you become securely attached.


What are the Signs of a Secure Attachment Style?

Here are some of the key signs someone has a secure attachment style:

• Relatively open and able to regulate and process their emotions

• Able to give and receive emotional connection

• Doesn’t get triggered very often

• Supportive and loving

• Generous, but not overly so

• Balanced with themselves and others

• Feels comfortable expressing their emotions and needs

When you become a securely attached individual, you'll often feel comfortable and at ease in relationships. You’re also good at communicating your needs and feelings, feeling confident to open up about your vulnerabilities in your relationships. You also have a positive self-image of yourself and accepting that you’re worthy of love.

Basically, you have the confidence to know that you thrive in relationships, are great at communication, and believe conflict offer opportunties for growth.

However, sometimes you can experience surprising challenges when relating to those who aren’t as secure in relationships.

You often struggle to connect with those that have anxious, dismissive, and fearful attachments, can't self-soothe in a healthy manner, and those who are overly codependent.

Yet, like insecure attachment styles, you can work on developing the tools and strategies to relate to others.

Everyone can become securely attached. It's merely about focusing and working on transforming your outlook.

Firstly, let's look at what it means to explore your attachment style.

Explore Your Attachment Style

The first step to becoming securely attached is to gain a deep understanding of your current attachment style.

Reflect on your past experiences, childhood upbringing, and relationship patterns. Identify the fears, insecurities, and attachment-related behaviors that arise in your interactions with others. This self-reflection will provide valuable insights into the specific areas you need to address and transform.

You can discover your attachment style by taking our free attachment style quiz today. We'll provide you with a personalized report detailing your style and triggers.

Once you have established whether you have an anxious, dismissive, or fearful attachment style, you can take the next five steps to cultivate secure attachment style.

secure attached couple

The 5 Ways to Become Securely Attached

Foster Self-Awareness and Emotional Regulation

Developing self-awareness is key to cultivating secure attachment. Pay attention to your thoughts, emotions, and reactions in different relationship scenarios. Practice mindfulness techniques, such as meditation or journaling, to enhance self-awareness.

Additionally, work on regulating your emotions by identifying triggers and implementing healthy coping strategies. By becoming more attuned to your own feelings and needs, you can respond to yourself and others in a more balanced and compassionate way.

Challenge Negative Beliefs and Inner Critic

Negative beliefs about oneself or relationships can perpetuate insecure attachment. Challenge these beliefs by examining their origins and questioning their validity. Replace self-critical thoughts with positive and affirming ones.

Practice self-compassion and treat yourself with kindness and understanding. Over time, these new beliefs will shape a healthier perception of yourself and your capacity for secure attachment.

Practice Effective Communication and Boundaries

Clear and open communication is crucial for building secure attachments. Practice expressing your needs, concerns, and boundaries in a direct yet respectful manner. You should also practice active listening and empathy to create a safe space for your partner or loved ones to express themselves as well.

Establish and maintain healthy boundaries to ensure your emotional well-being. Healthy communication and boundaries foster trust, respect, and emotional intimacy in relationships.

Seek Support and Build a Secure Network

Seeking support from trusted individuals can greatly aid in the process of becoming securely attached. Engage with friends, family, or a therapist who can provide guidance, validation, and a secure base to explore and develop healthier attachment patterns. Surround yourself with individuals who exhibit secure attachment styles, as their positive influence can help you cultivate secure behaviors and perspectives.

Becoming securely attached is a transformative journey that requires self-reflection, self-awareness, and practice. By exploring your attachment style and implementing these steps, you can build healthier and more fulfilling relationships based on secure attachment principles.

Join The Personal Development School

When you start your free trial at The Personal Development School, you’ll get access to every online course we offer to teach you the steps you need to learn to transition from insecure attachment styles to secure attachment.

You’ll learn how to reprogram your beliefs, increase your self-awareness, and communicate better to thrive in all of your relationships.

The best place to start your journey to becoming secure is by taking our Emotional Mastery & Belief Reprogramming course.

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