How to Overcome a Codependent Attachment Style

Do you lose yourself in relationships or constantly put your partner’s needs above your own? Do you seek their approval or fear their rejection so much that you’re willing to do anything for them?

If the answer is yes, you could have a codependent attachment style.

Now, although not an original attachment style, it does have deeply ingrained patterns in those with an anxious preoccupied attachment style.

Based on the concept of codependency (remember, this is not a clinical diagnosis), it develops in early relationships, where you learn that your self-worth and value depend on taking care of others.

This excessive reliance on others impacts your emotional validation, self-worth, and identity and can leave you trapped in dysfunctional relationships.

However, you can break free from codependency and cultivate healthier, more balanced relationships in which you feel emotionally secure, valued, and independent.

In this guide, you’ll discover:

• What is Codependency?
• Where it Comes From (and How)
• Signs of a Codependent Attachment Style
• Codependency & Attachment Styles
• The Steps to Fix a Codependent Relationship

Let’s dive in and explore what codependency really is and how you can start changing it today.

What is Codependency?

Codependency is an emotional and behavioral pattern where someone becomes overly reliant on another person for their sense of identity, self-worth, and emotional stability.

This often results in neglecting their own needs, boundaries, and desires to maintain connection or avoid abandonment.

The core issue at the heart of codependency is that the "that we learn to give up our sense of selves in order to have a relationship with others. And that’s where it becomes unhealthy. If we don’t know who we are, and we are not connected to ourselves, we don’t know what our needs are nor what our boundaries are. As a result we expect our partners to be mind-readers."

Now, let's take a look at how codependency has its origins from childhood.

Codependency in Childhood: Where It Comes From

Codependency doesn’t just “appear” from nowhere — it is deeply rooted and learned in childhood experiences and environments, which contribute to the development of codependency:

• When someone is raised without the necessary love and support from one or both parents, they become codependent on their partners or family members because they need that reassurance and validation.
• When someone grows up in a dysfunctional family or unpredictable environment, they develop tendencies as a means of coping with the chaos and instability. This leads to a deep fear of abandonment and a tendency to overextend yourself to keep relationships intact.
• Experiencing enmeshment -- where the relationship between two or more people where the boundaries between each other are unclear -- can lead to an excessive need for external validation.
• Being taught that your worth is tied to taking care of others. This comes in the form of being the peacemaker or caretaker in the family or taking on "societal expectations", such as being a caregiver and making self-sacrifice.

How Codependency Shows Up in Different Relationships

Codependency isn’t limited to one aspect of life. It can show up in numerous relationships, including:

• Romantic Relationships: You struggle to set boundaries, prioritize your partner’s emotions over your own, or fear conflict because it might lead to rejection.
• Friendships: You overextend yourself, always being the “fixer” or the one who offers emotional support, even at the cost of your well-being.
• Family Dynamics: You may feel responsible for a parent’s happiness, act as a caregiver for siblings, or struggle with guilt when asserting independence.

Because people don't know the difference, they often confuse their "codependency" for interdependency. But they are actually very different!

Codependency vs. Interdependence

While codependency is rooted in fear and self-sacrifice, interdependence is about mutual support, respect, and healthy boundaries. This table explains these differences.

Codependency	Interdependence
Losing yourself in relationships	Maintaining a strong sense of self while being connected
Seeking validation and worth from others	Valuing external relationships but not relying on them for self-worth
*Fear of abandonment, leading to people-pleasing	Healthy boundaries that allow for independence and connection
Emotional enmeshment—taking responsibility for others’ emotions	Supporting others while maintaining emotional autonomy

Signs You May Have a Codependent Attachment Style

Codependency appears in different ways: emotional, behavioral, and relational.

If you recognize any of the following signs yourself, it is an indicator that you might be in an unhealthy dynamic.

Emotional Signs of Codependency

• Overwhelming fear of rejection and abandonment.
• Guilt or shame for doing something for yourself.
• A constant need for external validation to feel worthy.
• Base your modes on your partner's, not your own.

Behavioral Signs of Codependency

• Being a people-pleaser by avoiding conflict
• Tendency to take blame in order to keep the peace
• Taking responsibility for your partner’s emotions, choices, or well-being.
• Struggling to make independent decisions without someone’s input or reassurance.
• Suppressing your own needs to accommodate your partner, friend, or family member.

Relational Signs of Codependency

• Excessive and obsessive concerns about someone's habits or behaviors
• Having poor or nonexistent boundaries with a person
• Feeling responsible for someone else’s happiness or even absorbing your partner’s emotions as your own
• Staying in an unhealthy relationship out of fear, guilt, or obligation.

Now, codependency has a direct impact on attachment styles, and depending on which one you have, you might notice it more than most.

Codependency & Attachment Styles

Here is how codependency and attachment styles impact each other.

Anxious Attachment and Codependency

Individuals with an anxious preoccupied attachment style are most likely to develop codependency due to their deep fears of abandonment.

Therefore, anxiously attached people constantly need constant reassurance from their partner to validate their self-worth and value.

Some notable signs of their codependency include:

• Engaging in people-pleasing
• Becoming clingy and jealous when their partner is distant or unresponsive.
• Going above and beyond in relationships, like taking on emotional labor and responsibility for their partner’s well-being.
• Suppressing their own needs out of fear of pushing their partner away.

This emotional over-dependence creates a cycle where the anxious partner seeks more closeness, which can feel overwhelming for certain partners—especially those with avoidant attachment styles.

Avoidant Attachment and the Pursuer-Distancer Cycle

Dismissive avoidants (and, to a lesser extent, fearful avoidants) are known to suppress their emotions and keep themselves away from intimacy.

Therefore, they’re unlikely to be codependent, but they are more likely to trigger someone else’s codependency traits.

This leads to the pursuer-distancer cycle, where one partner (the anxiously attached) chases closeness but triggers the avoidant’s need for space and emotional withdrawal.

The result is that the avoidant shuts down, reinforcing the anxious partner’s fear of abandonment, thereby making them more clingy and attached.

And the cycle continues.

Over time, this dynamic — without knowing — can fuel codependent behaviors, as the anxious individual learns to overextend themselves to “earn” love, while the avoidant partner keeps an emotional distance to protect themselves.

Other Attachment Styles & Codependent Tendencies

While anxious and avoidant styles are the most commonly linked to codependency, fearful avoidants may also struggle with codependent tendencies.

That’s because they have a “push-pull dynamic” of wanting to be close to someone but are too scared to be intimate. This is rooted in trauma-bonded relationships — where there were highs and lows of emotional dependency — and trust issues.

Regardless, no matter your attachment style, you can heal from codependency. But you have to be proactive and take the first step by understanding your attachment styles and codependent patterns.

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How to Fix a Codependent Relationship

Breaking free from codependency is a journey.

Detaching from familiar relationships may initially feel challenging. But with time, effort, and support, healing is entirely possible.

Follow these five key steps to regain your sense of self and build balanced, fulfilling relationships.

Step 1: Recognize and Acknowledge Codependent Patterns

The first step in ending codependency is to recognize and acknowledge the presence of codependent patterns in your relationships.

Take an honest look at your behavior and identify signs of enabling, people-pleasing, and neglecting your own needs for the sake of others. Reflect on your motivations and the underlying emotions driving your codependent behavior.

Journaling can be a powerful tool for self-reflection as you can ask yourself:

• Do I feel responsible for other people’s emotions or happiness?
• Do I struggle to say “no” even when I’m overwhelmed?
• Am I afraid that setting boundaries will push others away?

Step 2: Reconnect & Prioritize Self-Care and Self-Worth

To break free from codependency, prioritize self-care and develop a strong sense of self-worth. Here's what you can do:

• Identify your needs, desires, and boundaries, and ensure they are being met.
• Engage in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment, practice self-compassion, and prioritize your physical and mental well-being.
• Focus on positive self-talk and avoid negative self-talk to make yourself happy.

The more you listen to and honor your needs, the easier it becomes to detach from seeking validation from others.

Step 3: Set and Reinforce Healthy Boundaries

Establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries is essential in ending codependency. It helps create a healthier dynamic in relationships, fostering mutual respect and independence.

If setting boundaries feels difficult, start small:

• Learn to assertively communicate your needs and limits.
• Be willing to say "no" when necessary.
• Respect the boundaries of others and encourage them to do the same.
• Embrace separate hobbies from your partner so you can focus on what you like.

For more in-depth guidance, check out our course on boundary-setting, which will help you create and enforce limits with confidence.

Step 4: Regulate Emotions Without External Validation

A key part of breaking codependency is learning to self-soothe rather than relying on others for emotional regulation.

Try these self-regulation techniques:

• Name your emotions: Take a few minutes to acknowledge what you're feeling, and that's okay, whatever it is.
• Use grounding strategies: Deep breathing, mindfulness, or movement can help calm your nervous system.
• Validate your distress: Remind yourself that everything will be okay and that “What I’m doing isn’t wrong.”

Step 5: Seek Support and Accountability

Ending codependency can be challenging, and seeking support is crucial. Having a support system helps you stay accountable and navigate the challenges of healing with guidance and encouragement. Consider:

• Surrounding yourself with a strong support network of friends and family who understand and support your journey.
• Joining a codependency support group where you can share your experiences and get advice.
• Seeking therapy with a mental health professional who specializes in codependency. They can provide guidance, tools, and resources to help you navigate the process of healing and developing healthier relationship patterns.

Codependency Takeaways

• Codependency is an emotional and behavioral pattern where someone becomes overly reliant on another person for their sense of identity, self-worth, and emotional stability.
• It is deeply rooted in dysfunctional and unpredictable childhood experiences and environments.
• Codependency has a direct impact on romantic relationships, friendships, and family dynamics.
• Individuals with an anxious preoccupied attachment style are most likely to develop codependency. Avoidants are more likely to trigger codependency traits in others due to their emotional withdrawals.
• Signs of emotional, behavioral, and relational codependency include overwhelming fear of rejection and abandonment, being a people-pleaser by avoiding conflict, excessive and obsessive concerns about the partner's habits or behaviors, and having poor or nonexistent boundaries.
• Fixing a codependent relationship includes recognizing patterns, prioritizing self-care and self-worth, reinforcing healthy boundaries, and regulating emotions.

If you’ve spent much of your life putting others first or feeling responsible for their happiness, it’s understandable that moving on from that is difficult.

But by recognizing your patterns, reconnecting with your own needs, setting boundaries, and reaching out for support, you can start creating relationships that are true to you.

If you’re ready to take the next step, our course, Healthy Balance in Relationships: Ending Codependency & Enmeshment, provides gentle structure, tools, and community to help guide you forward—at your own pace.

Remember: Ending codependency isn’t about changing who you are. It’s about reclaiming who you’ve always been.

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