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How to Develop a Secure Attachment Style


Reading time:

5 min


Published on:

Tue Jun 27 2023


Last updated:

Tue Apr 30 2024


Written by:

The Personal Development School

Developing a secure attachment style is a desire for many people.

That's because having a secure attachment style from childhood is a little like winning the lottery from an emotional and relationship standpoint.

But does having the “holy grail” of attachment styles come with any downsides?

What about developing a secure attachment style? How is it possible?

Keep reading to discover their biggest challenges, the one benefit of an insecure attachment style, and how to develop a secure attachment style.

Firstly, let's look at the signs of a secure attachment style.

Signs Of Secure Attachment: Strengths And Weaknesses

Unlike the 3 insecure attachment styles (anxious preoccupied, fearful avoidant and dismissive avoidant) being securely attached means that you naturally feel at ease in adult romantic relationships.

According to research, this has been the most consistent predictor of a secure attachment, and means that you find it easy to communicate your needs, having good emotional regulation, honor your boundaries and open your heart because you grew up in an environment where these things were modeled (and it was <u>safe </u>for you to do the same).

As an adult, relationships and commitment don’t induce excessive anxiety, fear or avoidance because you inherently feel confident in who you are and trust yourself to advocate for your needs, emotions and boundaries.


Love doesn’t send your nervous system into overdrive, and you feel comfortable with vulnerability and intimacy. You don't require reassurances, have emotional intelligence and expressiveness, and are happy with social interactions.

Upon reading this, it’s easy to see why it seems like securely attached individuals have won the lotto… or at least have an advantage, because they don’t struggle with the things that cause so many years of struggles, heartache and disappointment for insecurely attached people.

But those with a secure attachment style also experience challenges: the biggest one being their inability to relate to those with an insecure attachment style.

Because secure individuals didn’t grow up with chaos, dysfunction, neglect or abuse, they may struggle to relate to those who did (and their subsequent unhealthy patterns) as they had a healthy development.

That's their most common consistent relationship patterns: their ambivalance.

For example, if you have a fearful avoidant attachment style, and were raised to believe your needs don’t matter – therefore you have difficulties communicating your needs as an adult – a securely-attached individual may struggle to understand why.

They might feel frustrated and confused that you don’t communicate what you need, and feel baffled if you let resentment build up and you lose your temper – especially if you didn’t communicate your unmet need!

It’s hard for them to understand why healthy relationships can’t be more harmonious, or why you act the way you do.

This confusion, if it continues, can make them feel stuck in a relationship that’s making them unhappy. They fear emotional and physical separation from their partner.

Just to be clear, it’s not that they’re not empathic, they are, it’s just that they grew up with a more straightforward blueprint for love and connecting with others!

The Benefit of an Insecure Attachment Style

If you’re insecurely attached, there is something important you should know.

You have a superpower that secure people do not: you have a powerful ability to read and relate to others!

Especially if you have an anxious preoccupied or fearful avoidant attachment style, as you grew up being hypervigilant (which means you were constantly on the look-out for changes in behavior in others), so you naturally have an ability to tune into the needs of others.

Dismissive avoidants also can be very empathetic, it’s just that too much closeness or vulnerability can push them away, so they might be less comfortable with this side of themselves.

<u>And the added benefit of this?</u>

When you heal your attachment style, you become securely attached… minus the challenges.

By healing, you gain all the strengths that come with secure attachment, but you keep your precious ability to relate with others on a very deep level.

Meaning your relationships become even more connected, meaningful and fulfilling.


How To Develop A Secure Attachment Style?

You might now be wondering, how do I become more securely attached?

The good news is, anyone can heal their attachment style (and yes, even if relationships are incredibly challenging for you!).

Reason being: you weren’t born with an attachment style.

It was formed as a result of the experiences you had as a child, which then encoded your subconscious with certain rules around relationships.

And in the same way these rules were learned – through repetition plus emotion – they can be replaced with new rules.

For example, when you were a child, if you were consistently led to believe that it’s not safe to express your emotions, you can teach yourself as an adult that it IS safe to express your emotions.

Conducting a relationship checklist can make all the difference to understanding what is required for a relationship.

And the good news is, you don’t need to be a master meditator or neuroscientist to reprogram your subconscious.

Anyone can do it. Including you.

The First Steps to Developing a Secure Attachment Style

What’s more, it only takes a few minutes a day, and when done consistently over a few weeks, you’ll notice massive changes in the way you relate to others.

If you’d like to learn how to develop a secure attachment style, I invite you to become an All-Access Pass member as we have beginner and advanced courses with step-by-step guidance on how to heal the 3 insecure attachment styles.

As a member, you’ll also get access to our entire video course library, weekly live webinars, daily events led by our trained coaches, and be part of a very supportive and judgment-free community.

In fact, the membership is so transformative, we’re confident you’ll have a big relationship breakthrough that improves your love life within 7 days (or we’ll give you a 100% refund).

And given that our courses are less than 2 hours and broken down into short modules, you can expect results even if you only have 10 minutes a day.

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