20 Relationship Deal Breakers (& How to Talk About Them)

Are you finding yourself constantly frustrated in relationships by behaviors that cross your boundaries? Do you have a list of values and beliefs that get stepped over and disregarded?

No, you're not being "picky" or "difficult". You just have some subtle deal breakers that won't be tolerated in relationships.

And don’t worry, everyone has relationship deal breakers.

While we understand that the person might not have everything on your list (Who does? We aren’t perfect), you hope that the general things you wish or agree on are there for a successful relationship.

Of course, there are our “deal breakers” that end the relationship immediately.

So in this blog, let's explore:

• What Are Relationship Deal Breakers?
• The 20 Common Relationship Deal Breakers
• Deal Breakers vs. Red Flags: Understanding the Difference
• How to Detect Relationship Deal Breakers
• How to Talk to Your Partner About Deal Breakers
• Overcoming and Healing Deal Breakers in Relationships
• Takeaways on Relationship Deal Breakers

What Are Relationship Deal Breakers?

Relationship deal breakers (or dating deal breakers) are "non-negotiable" beliefs, behaviors, or circumstances that automatically end a relationship.

Everyone has different deal breakers for different reasons, but for the sake of simplicity, we can categorize them into two types:

• Personal Deal Breakers: These are specific to your needs, values, and preferences. For example, you might need a partner who shares your love for adventure or someone who values emotional openness.
• Red Flag Deal Breakers: These are universally non-negotiable behaviors that indicate toxicity or harm in a relationship. Examples include abuse, dishonesty, and cheating.

Now, it's important to recognize a critical factor behind your deal breakers: that's your attachment styles and the wounds they bring.

Your attachment wounds influence how you interact with others in intimate relationships, and therefore your innate deal breakers. Your needs, values, and, for lack of a better word, rejections, are embedded within these attachment wounds. This table has some examples:

Attachment Style	Deal Breaker & Attachment Wounds
Securely Attached	Deal breaker: “We’re just not aligned.” Attachment Wound: Lack of healthy communication
Anxious Preoccupied	Deal breaker:: “They’re too distant.” Attachment Wound: Fear of being abandoned.
Disimissive Avoidant	Deal breaker: “They’re too needy.” Attachment Wound: Fear of being controlled.
Fearful Avoidant	Deal breaker: “I love them but can’t trust them.” Attachment Wound: Trauma or inconsistent caregiving.

The 20 Common Relationship Deal Breakers

Personal Conflicts

1. Personality Clashes

Personalities in a relationship need to align to some degree. Sure, opposites can attract, but you must respect, value, and accept the person as who they are, not who you want them to be.

For example, an anxious partner may crave constant closeness, while a dismissive partner values independence. This leads to the anxious partner feeling rejected while the dismissive partner becomes overwhelmed.

Strategy: Discuss your emotional needs early on and establish what you need to thrive when personality traits might clash.

2. Different Lifestyles

If two partners have very different lifestyles; one is an active outdoors person, the other a gamer, this can cause relationship problems. You can’t be compatible if you do different things all the time.

In an anxious-avoidant relationship, the anxious partner may feel neglected if they're not included in shared activities, while the dismissive partner might feel overwhelmed by constant togetherness.

Strategy: Recognize that early discussions on balancing personal lifestyles with sharing relationship experiences will help you establish a solid foundation.

3. Sexual Incompatibility

Sexual chemistry is a big part of a relationship, and it can definitely be a deal breaker if you have different desires or needs that aren't being met. It's one of the reasons why emotional affairs and cheating are committed. There is a lack of passion in the relationship because the partners aren't on the same page.

Strategy: Honest conversations about sexual needs and desires are crucial to help establish if the sexual chemistry is compatible. If it doesn't work, intimacy suffers and can create emotional distance.

4. Poor Relationship with Family/Friends

Families matter to many, but not all. If one partner wants to spend time with family and the other doesn’t, it can cause issues. This doesn’t include conflicts between families and partners or when a partner disrespects you or isolates you from loved ones.

Strategy: Mutual respect for your family relationships must be respected, regardless of the outcomes of these relationships. It's important to understand everyone's relationships with their families and to support them.

5. Conflicting Beliefs About Marriage or Kids

Most people want marriage or kids, or both. It's one of the biggest life goals for people. However, you can’t be with someone who doesn’t want any of those.

You don't want a partner who doesn't want to have kids. The child might not get the attention and love it deserves, causing it to develop an insecure attachment style.

If one person wants these things and the other doesn’t, it’s a relationship and dating deal breaker.

Strategy: You have to discuss major life goals early in the relationship so there is an understanding and expectations. If there’s no alignment about marriage or children, it's ideal to not wait for someone to change their life goals.

Compatibility Conflicts

6. Different Career or Personal Goals

If one person has a personal goal to become an industry leader in their field while the other is happy to be content with their 9-to-5 job, this might cause strife in the relationship.

Attachment styles play a role here, too. Anxious partners might feel insecure if their partner prioritizes their career ambitions over them. Fearful avoidants, on the other hand, may prioritize work over relationships.

Strategy: If career goals are becoming an issue, it's important to discuss the priorities and how you can manage these work periods without disrupting the relationship.

7. Different Social Preferences

Securely attached people are great at socializing and building connections with others. Fearful avoidants may avoid social gatherings to protect themselves from judgment, while an anxious, preoccupied person may crave constant companionship.

Strategy: Compromise is key to ensuring that people can maintain a healthy balance between individual space and nurturing connections with friends, companions, and family.

8. Disagreement on Financial Priorities

Financial decisions can greatly impact a relationship. If one partner is constantly in debt, spends recklessly, doesn’t want to use or help the other partner, or lies about their finances, it can lead to major problems with trust in the relationship.

Example: an anxious partner might feel nervous about their partner's financial instability, which triggers their attachment wounds of abandonment.

Strategy: No couple can build a future together, whether that’s a house or holidays, if they don’t work together financially. It’s essential to set clear financial goals and standards. Establish clear financial goals and expectations from the start.

9. Lack of Shared Life Goals

Relationships are about teamwork, and it can be challenging to work as a team if your goals are different. In many cases, situations where there are other life goals (like kids, home ownership, money, retirement, etc.) are considered deal breakers.

That’s why it’s essential to establish early on in the dating phase whether the person has a similar goal to yours. If not, then it’s a dating deal breaker.

Strategy: Personal growth is the saving grace. If a person is willing to accept that there needs to be a compromise or realignment, it can be cooperative and issue-oriented.

10. Unresolved Emotional Baggage

If you're a fearful avoidant, you would have a lot of baggage from your childhood that might appear through impulsive actions. The same applies to anxiously preoccupied people who might obsess over unresolved problems, fearing they will be abandoned.

Strategy: Therapy or counseling can help address unresolved baggage. Both partners should be willing to work on their emotional growth, especially if trauma or past issues are affecting the relationship.

Emotional Needs & Behavior

11. High Maintenance & Selfishness

A selfish partner who is always thinking about themselves and is very high maintenance is not good for any relationship.

The reason is that it puts the focus on one partner instead of working together in a relationship. The selfish and high-maintenance partner will prioritize their needs over yours and show little regard for your feelings, leaving you alone.

Strategy: Relationships are a two-way street where both partners have to give and take. It’s unbalanced to have one partner be the centre over the other. Establishing clear boundaries and expectations will foster mutual respect.

12. Lack of Trust

Trust issues often arise from attachment-related fears. Here's how it applies to the three insecure attachment styles:

• Anxiously preoccupied people may constantly worry about their partner’s faithfulness
• Dismissive avoidants don't want to handle any emotional transparency, so they are more secretive.
• Fearful avoidants often fear betrayal and push their partner away to prevent being hurt.

Strategy: Open and honest communication is the foundation of trust. Partners must work through attachment-related fears together by being vulnerable and transparent, and reassuring each other.

13. Addiction Problems

Addictions are deeply rooted in a person’s journey through their life experiences, relationships, traumas, and attachment styles (eg, fearful avoidants may turn to addiction to numb emotional pain from relationship trauma). Addictions then become a haven for people looking to manage their lives or overcome the pain they’re suffering.

Strategy: Addictions (whether it's drugs, food, the opposite sex, or alcohol) need to be addressed head-on. Therapy, support groups, professional help, or science-backed courses are essential. Most importantly, the partner facing the addiction must be willing to change.

14. Abuse of Any Kind

Physical, emotional, verbal, or sexual abuse should never be tolerated in any relationship. While it's important to acknowledge where it comes from, it's not enough to stay in a relationship. This is a major red flag.

Strategy: If any partner—man or woman—uses abuse on you, walk away immediately. If you can’t do it, please get in touch with a family member, friend, or professional for help.

15. Controlling Behavior

Controlling behaviors often stem from deep insecurity. An anxious attachment style can lead to excessive jealousy and possessiveness, while a dismissive person might try to control situations to avoid emotional vulnerability.

However, regardless of their origins, you should tread carefully with individuals who wish to control what you do, how you do it, or dictate your life goals.

Strategy: Keep an eye on key controlling traits, such as love-bombing or becoming codependent, during the first several dates. It can show you what the relationship might look like in the future.

Communication & Conflict

16. Poor Communication Skills

They all say it: communication is key for a relationship to thrive. There are many reasons for communication to break down (our guide here breaks it all down for you), but it's obvious when attachment styles clash.

For example, an anxious, preoccupied person may need constant communication, which can overwhelm a dismissive avoidant who avoids deep conversations.

Strategy: Both partners should learn to express themselves honestly and listen without judgment while understanding each other's communication patterns. Used together, they can help improve communication.

17. Stonewalling & Avoidance

Stonewalling—where one partner withdraws emotionally or physically—is a typical response in relationships, particularly for those with avoidant attachment styles. Anxiously attached individuals may feel rejected and hurt by this behavior, further escalating the cycle of disconnection.

Strategy: Encourage open, nonjudgmental conversations about feelings. If you or your partner is stonewalling, the communication approach may be too direct or judgmental.

18. Emotional or Physical Distance

Similar to stonewalling, emotional or physical withdrawal can create a rift in relationships. It can lead to intimacy issues, particularly for partners who have an anxiously attached or fearful avoidant attachment style. That's because it triggers their abandonment issues.

Strategy: Take the time to discuss feelings about intimacy and distance in an open and calm space. Next, create a safe space for both connection and independence so partners can have a balance.

19. Lack of Empathy

A lack of empathy can deeply hurt a relationship, as it leads to partners not understanding what their partner needs or wants. Avoidants tend not to show their emotional side, which in turn can cause issues with their anxiously attached partners.

Strategy: Active listening is the true winner here. You really have to understand your partner's viewpoints and feelings and be open with yours.

20. Unrealistic Expectations

It doesn't matter whether you're an anxiously attached, dismissive, or fearful avoidant; having unrealistic expectations can strain any relationship. Whether that's a need for reassurance, independence, or expectations themselves, it's important.

Strategy: Whether that's a need for reassurance, independence, or expectations themselves, you have to self-reflect to determine if your relationship expectations are too high and how you can manage them without undue pressure on the relationship.

Deal Breakers vs. Red Flags: Understanding the Difference

We’ve spoken about deal breakers being red flags, but there is a subtle difference between them. Knowing this helps you navigate the tricky waters of dating and relationships.

• Deal Breakers: These are more specific to you, your non-negotiables, your attachment wounds, and your values. For example, they could be different financial approaches, life goals, or sexual incompatibilities.
• Red Flags: Red flags should never be ignored. These are distinguishable by clear signs of toxicity, physical abuse, manipulation, or chronic dishonesty. You should immediately end the relationship if you experience all of these.

The key difference is that red flags are non-negotiable, whereas deal breakers can be navigable depending on the relationship and communication efforts.

So if you experience any red flags when dating someone or in a relationship, you should walk away immediately for your own safety and well-being.

Deal breakers can be discussed and addressed through communication and compromise. But take note: it will take time for things to change!

How to Detect Relationship Deal Breakers

There are a few ways to detect a relationship deal breaker:

Assess Core Values

Take the time to recognize what you value in yourself and your relationships. Then, compare it with your partner’s. Do they align? If they don’t, it might lead to issues in the future. If they do, you could be in a great position in the future.

We all have core values and beliefs in how we approach life. When someone has different values from yours, it might cause a rift in the relationship. And while you can compromise on it, it must be both ways.

Recognize Patterns

Are there recurring behaviors that create friction or resentment? Think about the key areas of a relationship, such as affection, finances, work, or time together. If your partner’s behaviors and beliefs overrule these areas to the point that it’s not happening (like time together, affection, or sex) or if they're overstepping your boundaries, then it might be time to consider if they meet your needs.

Communicate Expectations

Regularly discussing your desires, boundaries, and goals helps ensure alignment. If your partner’s actions don’t match their words or their actions, or if they want different things, it’s good to get out in the open.

A classic example would be if you want a house and they don’t. Pushing a potential partner to do it can cause resentment, and you don’t want a mortgage with someone who isn’t interested in it.

Use Attachment Theory

Attachment styles have a huge impact on how you can detect and handle dealbreakers in relationships. It’s therefore important to understand what your attachment style is, how it drives your responses to relationships, and how it relates to attachment styles. You can discover yours with our quiz below!

This 5-Minute Attachment Style Quiz Will Give You Everything You Need!
Click here to take our quiz and get a free report with the details about your attachment style — and what to do next!

How to Talk to Your Partner About Deal Breakers

So you’ve discovered a dealbreaker. Now what?

This is how you can establish a routine to discuss these deal breakers in an honest and transparent manner so you can build a secure and healthy relationship together.

5 Steps to Talking About Deal Breakers

• Step 1: Choose the right time: Don’t start a conversation in the middle of a fight. Take the time to figure out when it’s best for both of you to discuss any deal-breaking issues.
• Step 2: Use “I” statements: Express how the issue makes you feel without blaming or accusing. Doing the latter will result in an overblown fight that does more harm than good.
• Step 3: Be Specific: Try not to drift away from the topic at hand. Focus on the issue, explain how it impacts you, and why it’s a non-negotiable.
• Step 4: Listen Actively: Ensure you understand your partner's perspective and really learn why they do it. If you’re half-paying attention, it will lead to more issues.
• Step 5: Work Together on Solutions: Find ways to compromise or grow together while respecting each other’s needs. Here is where using attachment styles as a base for communication styles can be helpful.

Overcoming and Healing Deal Breakers in Relationships

No relationship can work without self-reflection, compromise, and communication. The same logic applies to relationship deal breakers.

Self-Reflection

You need self-reflection to determine your deal breakers, such as what you require in a relationship and what you will not tolerate. Assess your deal breakers and understand your values and desires before taking any other steps in a relationship.

Therapy

For many people, getting couples counseling or individual therapy in understanding and resolving issues is crucial. There is no shame in getting help to help your relationship prosper. It might also help you understand why you have the dealbreakers you do.

Commitment to Change & Compromise

What helps drive commitment is the ability to compromise. Compromise is essential to ensure that partners can align with one another’s needs and goals and become more “on the same page”. You must work with your partner to understand the core wounds behind actions and beliefs. Only then can you know what is going on between you two on a deeper level.

Communicate Openly

Building a relationship in spite of deal breakers can only happen with communication. You must be clear and concise about your goals and desires, set boundaries, and make sure your partner knows this. The more precise you are at communication, the better your chance of overcoming deal breakers and working together to build a loving, strong relationship.

Takeaways on Relationship Deal Breakers

• Relationship deal breakers are "non-negotiable" beliefs, behaviors, or circumstances that automatically end a relationship.
• Your attachment style is a profound and influential source on your deal breakers.
• There are many examples of deal breakers, including lack of accountability for actions, inability to handle conflict, unable personalities or lifestyles, and conflicting goals and priorities.
• Red flags are different from deal breakers. They include abuse, manipulation, or chronic dishonesty. You should immediately end the relationship if you experience all of these.
• You can detect deal breakers by recognizing patterns and communicating expectations, while you can overcome and heal them through self-reflection, commitment to change, and clear communication.

Remember, deal breakers don’t always mean the end. With the right communication, growth, and mutual respect, you can navigate even the toughest challenges in your relationship.

Ready to take the next step in your love life? Search and sign up for our Conscious Dating: Thrive in Your Love Life program as it gives you the tools you need to build healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

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