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How to Overcome Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style


Reading time:

4 min


Published on:

Tue Jun 27 2023


Last updated:

Wed Apr 24 2024


Written by:

The Personal Development School

Does the thought of commitment make you cringe? Yet, deep down, you crave the closeness and connection of a romantic relationship?

If you nodded yes to or recognized these patterns in your partner, you may have a dismissive, avoidant attachment style (which is an insecure attachment style). People with this particular attachment style are sometimes called “love avoidants”.

In this article, we’ll cover the causes of dismissive avoidant attachment and how to lean into secure attachment, so you can experience intimacy and love without feeling trapped.

Let’s dive into how to heal dismissive avoidant attachment!

The Core Wounds of the Dismissive Avoidant

The two most commonly seen core wounds in dismissive avoidant individuals are: “Something is wrong with me” and “I am unsafe”. If you know or think you are a dismissive avoidant but don’t resonate with these core wounds, it’s because they’re planted in the deep layers of your subconscious mind. They still affect you, so it’s important that you look at healing them.

Maybe you recognize feeling trapped, criticized, or misunderstood in relationships, leading to resenting your partner. Those feelings are consequences of one of the core wounds. The good news – when you heal the core wounds, you also heal the limiting beliefs and negative thought patterns they give rise to! You'll be able to form healthy physical and emotional connections in adult relationships.

How do these attachment wounds arise? As for all attachment styles, they first show up in childhood. Dismissive avoidant children grew up with parents or caregivers who were absent. They learned to be independent and self-soothe, and often turned to things instead of people for comfort – for example, video games, TV series, or food.


How a Dismissive Avoidant Behaves In Relationships

A dismissive avoidant person needs space when dating or in relationships. Their partner can confuse this behavior for the dismissive avoidant being “just not that into them”. They crave bonds and closeness, but find themselves acting out when they get too close.

In reality, they just need autonomy and independence in a relationship – and it’s up to their partner to determine whether that’s a dealbreaker or something they can compromise on. The invitation for you as a dismissive avoidant is to become aware of when your need for distance is a way of running away from your feelings, and when you just want to be in your own energy.

Dismissive avoidants can act aloof, making others think they don’t feel deeply. They do – they have just learned to hide it. Often, they are highly sensitive to criticism since it triggers their core wound of being flawed. A simple misunderstanding or constructive feedback can be interpreted as an attack on who they are. This might be one of the most important things to be aware of as a partner of a dismissive avoidant.

Another of the dismissive avoidant attachment traits commonly seen is a scarcity mindset. Growing up, people with this attachment style often learned that there wasn’t enough. This can lead to a tendency to hold on and be unwilling to share with their partner. The partner can feel frustrated and judge this behavior as selfish, while in reality, it’s not a sign of greed. Holding on to things is just a way of feeling safe, thus soothing their core wound of feeling unsafe.

That said, dismissive avoidants have a lot of positive sides too! They tend to be respectful of their partner’s boundaries and need for freedom, and won’t push their partner to open up or share before they feel ready. As opposed to the other insecure attachment styles, people with this attachment style have firm boundaries that they are not afraid to claim.


How To Reprogram Yourself For a Secure Attachment Style

If you recognize yourself as a dismissive avoidant, and you want to become secure, know that it is entirely possible! With the right tools, your relationship history doesn’t matter – you can heal old wounds quickly.

-- Subconscious reprogramming is a powerful way of becoming secure. Many personal development teachings are based on changing the conscious mind. But since 95% of your mind is subconscious, the conscious mind is just the tip of the iceberg, and working on that alone won’t lead to massive and lasting shifts. There are different science-backed methods and techniques for reprogramming your subconscious – in the Dismissive Avoidant Reprogramming Course, you’ll get tools to apply instantly!

-- Practice communicating your needs. It is perfectly fine to need alone time, but it will be better received if you explain it to your partner instead of just ignoring their attempts to connect. Dismissive avoidants often think – or rather, subconsciously believe – that they don’t have the right to have needs. Suppressing your needs creates tension, resentment, and conflict, while expressing them opens up for understanding and acceptance. You'll be able to become a securely attached individual helping you find lasting romantic relationships.

-- One of the biggest challenges for dismissive avoidants is vulnerability. Vulnerability often feels uncomfortable or scary, but it is necessary to experience the fulfillment and satisfaction of a romantic relationship. Just like you don’t buy a gym membership and start with the heaviest weights, you don’t start by opening up fully. Doing so, you can cultivate true emotional intimacy. Set the intention to share one small, vulnerable thing every day for 21 days. You will see that it feels less and less intimidating and soon becomes second nature!

How to Overcome Your Dismissive Avoidant Attachment

Having a dismissive avoidant attachment style is not a chronic diagnosis – it’s a blueprint for healing and creating stable and connected relationships! Apply the above tips for communication and vulnerability daily, and see your relationships transform.

The Personal Development School offers courses on how to overcome a dismissive avoidant attachment style. Our course will help you overcome your fears and help you connect with your partner, regardless of their attachment style.

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