Traits and Signs of Avoidant Attachment (and How to Heal)

Ever feel like you pull away when things get too close? Or you may find yourself needing endless space in relationships, only to retreat when your partner seeks emotional intimacy?

If this sounds like you, you might have a dismissive avoidant attachment style. It's an insecure attachment style that is a battle between having your independence and wanting to be in a relationship.

For you, relationships are complicated and challenging, and you tend to retreat or be solo in those moments of difficulty. But internally, you desire to be close to someone special.

In this blog, we'll explore:

• The dismissive avoidant attachment style
• How to spot the signs
• And how to start healing

Defining Anxious Preoccupied Attachment Style Trigger

Have you ever been told you’re “too independent” or that you shut down when things get emotional?

That might be a sign of a dismissive avoidant attachment style.

It's not just a label; it’s an attachment pattern that begins in childhood, shaped by emotional neglect or criticism from your caregivers or parents.

According to Thais Gibson, founder of The Personal Development School and creator of Integrated Attachment Theory™, dismissive avoidant attachment forms when your emotional needs go unmet in childhood, leaving you to believe you can only rely on yourself.

It develops when, as a child, your emotional needs aren’t met, and you are told things like ‘Stop crying’ or ‘Be tough,’ leading you to believe that showing emotion is unsafe or weak.

The result is that you develop "core wounds"—beliefs about yourself on a subconscious level that you repeatedly tell yourself, such as “I am defective” or “I am unsafe” (which are similar to many of the wounds of the fearful avoidant too).

These core wounds stay with you well into your adult years, affecting your relationships. Now, this can show up in you via craving independence, avoiding conflict, and pulling away when things get too intimate.

That's why you struggle to connect with people on a deeper level; you're afraid to be vulnerable, show emotions, or be in conflict. Your first instinct is to shut down and run from conflict because vulnerability was once met with rejection or criticism.

Suddenly, you're stuck in a battle where you want a relationship but fear being open with that person.

However, as Thais Gibson explains, you can understand that while these patterns run deep, they can be rewired, starting with awareness and small steps toward emotional safety.

Are you wondering if this applies to you or someone you love? Here are the most common signs of a dismissive, avoidant attachment that can show up in your day-to-day interactions.

Dismissive Avoidants in Relationships

Being a dismissive avoidant in a relationship feels like you're ready to connect, only to step back when your boundaries are overstepped or you face pressure.

On the other hand, being in a relationship with a dismissive avoidant can feel like you’re constantly reaching out, only to have them pull away. As dismissive avoidants, they grew up only trusting themselves, and leaning on someone else now feels unsafe, even if they crave closeness.

Therefore, both of you are stuck in this sort of "relationship limbo". And whether you're a dismissive avoidant or dating one, this is how the traits show up in a relationship:

• Pulling away after emotional or physical intimacy: After physical or emotional closeness, you or your partner retreat to regain your sense of independence.
• Avoiding conflict or shutting down during arguments: Emotional expression can feel threatening, so avoidants might bottle things up instead of asking for what they need.
• Craving excessive independence and space: Dismissive avoidants need time to process things on their own rather than engage in conflict resolution.
• Getting easily irritated by emotional needs they don’t know how to meet: You or your partner might feel overwhelmed by emotional needs, even from people they care about.
• Sending mixed signals: A lack of commitment can leave partners feeling confused or hurt

If you’re on the receiving end of this behavior, you might question whether they care. The truth is, they do — but fear often gets in the way.

The good news? Change is possible.

With self-awareness and healing work — like the Integrated Attachment Theory™ method taught by Thais Gibson — dismissive avoidants can learn to open up, communicate, and build trust.

At their core, they want love and connection just like anyone else. It just takes time, safety, and the right tools to get there.

Do You Want to Know If You Have a Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style?
Take our free 5-minute attachment-style quiz and get a personalized report with the results!

How to Know You're a Dismissive Avoidant

Not sure if these patterns apply to you? Sometimes, it’s hard to recognize avoidant tendencies in yourself — especially when independence and self-reliance feel like strengths.

Ask yourself these questions and read the explanation of why you might be struggling with these issues:

Are You Afraid of Being Vulnerable?

If you have a dismissive-avoidant attachment style, vulnerability can feel terrifying. If your needs weren’t met as a child — or you were told things like, “Don’t cry, be a big girl” — you may associate vulnerability with helplessness. As a result, whenever you start to feel exposed or emotional, you might shut down, reinforcing the fear of being vulnerable all over again.

Do You Withdraw After Arguments, Needing Space to Process Rather Than Talk It Through?

If you're a dismissive avoidant, you might do everything you can to avoid conflict or difficult conversations because you have a core wound of being unsafe. You often find yourself in a fight or flight response (such as withdrawing, stonewalling, or shutting down), so you just say yes to everything to avoid conflict.

Learning to communicate that you need space—without shutting the other person out—can be a powerful step in building healthier conflict patterns.

Does Criticism Feel Deeply Personal and Upsetting?

If criticism cuts deeper than it seems like it should, you might be carrying an old core belief that you’re “defective” or “not enough.”

As children, we tend to personalize our caregivers’ failures, deciding we must be the problem. So when your needs aren’t met, instead of seeing a parent’s actions as a lack of availability on their part, you decide you're defective and chronically ashamed of yourself. This will make you extra sensitive to any criticism from your partner.

Does Criticism Feel Deeply Personal and Upsetting?

If criticism cuts deeper than it seems like it should, you might be carrying an old core belief that you’re “defective” or “not enough.”

As children, we tend to personalize our caregivers’ failures, deciding we must be the problem. So when your needs aren’t met, instead of seeing a parent’s actions as a lack of availability on their part, you decide you're defective and chronically ashamed of yourself. This will make you extra sensitive to any criticism from your partner.

Do You Struggle to Communicate or Often Feel Misunderstood?

Communicating during conflict can feel nearly impossible. Instead of expressing yourself, you might cancel plans at the last minute, withdraw, or shut down completely to avoid confrontation.

You may also feel chronically misunderstood — like no matter how much you care, people misinterpret your actions or shame you for things you didn’t intend. It’s exhausting. Over time, you might even think, “Why bother?” when it comes to opening up.

Do You Crave Independence Most of the Time?

Craving independence is natural, but if you find yourself believing that everyone should be completely self-sufficient — and struggling to make space for emotional closeness — it could be a sign that your dismissive-avoidant patterns are in play.

The goal is healthy interdependence, where you're responsible for your own core wounds and feelings and can communicate your needs. The same logic applies to your partner.

Does It Take a Long Time for You to Feel Comfortable or Close in Relationships?

If you’ve relied on yourself, trusting someone to reveal your true self can feel overwhelming. It’s essential to take your time and cultivate a sense of safety. This also makes it difficult for your partner, who can be waiting to see if you're committed to the relationship.

Do You Repress or Ignore Your Emotions When They Feel Too Intense?

If you learned that showing your feelings would result in more pain, it's natural to try to hide them. You might downplay your own needs, label your feelings as "overly dramatic," or keep busy to distract yourself from feeling anything.

However, hiding your emotions doesn’t make them go away; it just pushes them deeper inside, resulting in explosive outbursts that cause issues in relationships.

How to Become More Securely Attached?

You might have the belief that you're stuck in your patterns. But that's not the case anymore.

Attachment styles aren’t fixed. They can be altered and reprogrammed from within, so you move away from being dismissive and avoidant and becoming secure.

What Does It Mean to Be Securely Attached?

Being securely attached means having a healthy, balanced relationship with both yourself and others.

For you, it means you're able to trust in your abilities to overcome issues, are strong in communication and boundaries, and feel confident opening up to others while remaining true to yourself.

In relationships, it means you express your needs, listen to the needs of others, and resolve conflicts without extreme fear of abandonment or rejection.

Remember though: being securely attached doesn't mean you're perfect, it means you're flexible in your beliefs, emotionally resilient, are confident in yourself, and approach relationships in a healthy way.

So, how do you make this transition?

With Integrated Attachment Theory™, you can rewire how you connect, communicate, and feel in relationships. Here are some simple steps to help you begin this healing journey:

1. Build Emotional Awareness

Start noticing your emotional triggers and responses in and out of relationships, such as the many we listed above. You can do this by journaling or checking-in daily, so you have a comprehensive list of your dismissive avoidant traits.

2. Practice Small Vulnerabilities

Begin with small moments of vulnerability, like sharing a thought or feeling with someone safe (partner, family member, or friend). It could be anything from a preference, or a small worry — even when it feels uncomfortable. Vulnerability gets easier with practice.

3. Set Boundaries Without Shutting Down

Your instinct to shut down is harmful for relationships in the long run. Practice saying “no” or “I need some time” without disappearing completely, so you remain "present".

4. Challenge the Story That You’re “Safer Alone”

Don't let that story of "you're safer alone", "it’s me vs the world", take hold of you. Challenge the story by providing evidence for and against this belief. You'll see that it's not as true as you believe and remind yourself that closeness can be safe and supportive.

5. Seek Support

Working with a therapist, coach, or using guided programs—like the ones inside The Personal Development School—can accelerate healing and help you feel less alone in the process.

Remember that transformation doesn’t happen overnight, but with each small step, you’ll build trust in yourself and others.

You Can Rewire Your Attachment Style

Remember that the transformation from dismissive to secure won't happen overnight. But with each small step, you’ll build trust in yourself and others and move toward a more secure, fulfilling relationship.

As Thais Gibson teaches, awareness is the first step. And being here, reading this blog means you've already taken that first step.

If you’re ready to start your healing journey, consider our Healthy and Secure Relationships with/for the Emotionally Unavailable Person (Dismissive Avoidant Re-programming Course). There’s a path to security and emotional safety — and it starts with you.

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