Can Two Avoidant Attachment Styles Be in a Relationship?

Imagine meeting someone who just gets it—someone easy, who doesn’t put a lot of pressure on you, and who doesn’t need constant attention or reassurance—someone like you.

At first, the relationship feels effortless—no pressure, no drama. It seems like the ideal setup—no one demands emotional intimacy, pushes for change, or asks for too much effort.

But over time, something strange happens. The emotional connection starts to feel thinner, almost fading away. You’re both still in the relationship, but something’s missing. This is the paradox of two avoidants together: at first, both believe their needs are being met because there’s no emotional work involved. Yet, neither of you is truly connecting. The space you once craved for comfort becomes a path neither of you can cross. And without consciously addressing it, that emotional distance grows increasingly vast.

So, can two avoidants make a relationship work? In this post, we’ll dive into how this dynamic plays out and whether it’s possible for two avoidants to build a lasting, fulfilling connection.

What is Avoidant Attachment?

Avoidant attachment is a pattern that develops when someone’s early experiences with caregivers are marked by emotional neglect, enmeshment, inconsistency, or even excessive criticism. As children, avoidants learn that emotional closeness is either unsafe. So, as a response, they develop a coping mechanism: suppress their feelings and push others away to protect themselves from emotional pain. Over time, this avoidance becomes their default way of relating to others, even in romantic relationships.

There are two main types of avoidant attachment: Dismissive Avoidant and Fearful Avoidant. While both styles involve avoiding emotional closeness, there are key differences between a Fearful Avoidant and a Dismissive Avoidant individual.

Fearful Avoidant Attachment

The Fearful Avoidant attachment style forms when caregivers inconsistently meet a child’s emotional needs. Sometimes, the caregiver is available and loving. Sometimes, they are emotionally unavailable, frightening, or dangerous. This inconsistency causes deep confusion for the child: they want love and affection but fear being hurt or abandoned. This inner conflict continues into adulthood, making it hard for Fearful Avoidants to maintain stable emotional connections.

Key traits of Fearful Avoidant Attachment:

• Desire for intimacy: Craves connection but is afraid to engage fully, leading to a push-pull relationship dynamic.

• Difficulty trusting others: Fear of being betrayed makes it hard to trust, even in safe relationships.

• Depth processing: Tends to overanalyze their partner’s microexpressions, body language, and even small gestures for signs of rejection or betrayal.

• Fear of vulnerability: Wants to be close but pulls away when it feels too vulnerable or emotionally intense.

• Emotional volatility: Experiences intense emotions that can swing between closeness and withdrawal.

• Tendency to project: Assumes their partner is going to hurt them, even when there’s no evidence to support it.

• Poor communication: Struggles to express feelings clearly, often internalizing them instead, which can lead to confusion in relationships.

In relationships, Fearful Avoidants often:

• Crave emotional closeness but withdraw when they feel too exposed or vulnerable.

• Overanalyze their partner’s behavior, leading to unnecessary doubts and misunderstandings.

• Internalize fears of abandonment, which can cause them to act out or become emotionally distant.

The Dismissive Avoidant

The Dismissive Avoidant attachment style is characterized by a strong need for emotional independence. These individuals often come across as self-sufficient and emotionally distant, preferring to handle everything on their own. They may suppress their emotions, believing that vulnerability is a weakness and that relying on others for emotional support is unsafe.

Key traits of the Dismissive Avoidant:

• Highly independent: Prefers to be self-reliant and avoids depending on others for emotional support.

• Emotional suppression: Keeps feelings hidden, often appearing detached or aloof.

• Commitment issues: Fears that commitment might trap them or limit their freedom, so they avoid deeper emotional connections.

• Fear of dependency: Finds it hard to rely on others, even when help is needed.

• Sensitivity to criticism: Often feels like something is wrong with them, making them sensitive to any form of criticism.

• Desire for clarity: Needs clear communication and consistent expectations to feel secure in relationships.

• Struggles with emotional needs: Has difficulty recognizing or expressing emotional needs, even when they want affection or care.

In relationships, Dismissive Avoidants often:

• Withdraw emotionally when things get too close or intimate.

• Struggle to express their true feelings, leaving their partner feeling emotionally disconnected.

• Value clear, direct communication and may feel uncomfortable with indirect emotional cues or ambiguity.

Key Differences Between The Dismissive-Avoidant and The Fearful-Avoidant Attachment Styles

Trait	The Dismissive Avoidant	The Fearful Avoidant
Emotional Expression	Keeps emotions hidden; avoids talking about feelings	Has intense emotions; swings between wanting closeness and pulling away
Desire for Independence	Strong desire for independence; avoids relying on others	Craves connection but fears it; struggles with trust
Handling Conflict	Withdraws emotionally during conflict; avoids confrontation	Becomes emotionally overwhelmed, projecting fears onto partner
Core Self-Beliefs	Believes they must be independent to be safe; feels inherently flawed	Believes that relationships are chaotic, and betrayal is inevitable
Response to Vulnerability	Avoids emotional intimacy; withdraws when things get too vulnerable	Fears vulnerability; becomes anxious and pulls away when feelings get too intense
Communication Style	Prefers clear, direct communication with minimal emotional content	Struggles to communicate feelings; often overthinks and misinterprets actions

Signs Your Partner Has an Avoidant Attachment Style

If you're in a relationship with someone who seems distant or emotionally unavailable, you might be dating an avoidant. Recognizing these signs can help you understand their behavior and build a better connection. Here are some key behaviors that suggest a partner may be avoidant:

• Difficulty Opening Emotionally: They often struggle to share their true feelings, keeping their emotions hidden. When you try to discuss deeper emotions, they might change the subject or give short responses.
• Prioritizing Independence Over Closeness: They highly value their independence and might push away from emotional closeness, seeking more space rather than emotional bonding.
• Avoiding Deep Conversations About Feelings: Conversations about personal or emotional topics often make them uncomfortable. They may seem uninterested or disengaged when the conversation gets serious or emotional.
• Prefer to Handle Problems Alone Rather Than Seeking Support: When issues arise, they tend to withdraw rather than reach out for support. They might solve problems on their own rather than talking through them with you.
• Feeling Uncomfortable with Too Much Emotional Closeness: They might feel suffocated by constant emotional intimacy and seek distance when the connection feels too intense or vulnerable.

How to Tell if Someone is Avoidant or Just Uninterested

It can be tough to tell whether someone is avoidant or just not interested. Here’s how to distinguish between the two:
It can be tricky to distinguish between someone who is avoidant and someone who isn't interested. Here's how to tell the difference:

• Emotional Withdrawal vs. Inconsistent Engagement: Avoidants often withdraw emotionally because they feel unsafe or overwhelmed by intimacy. They may engage when they feel safe but pull back when things get too vulnerable. Someone who isn’t interested may engage out of boredom, but there’s no real emotional depth or commitment behind their actions.
• Mixed Signals vs. Flat Detachment: An avoidant gives mixed signals—sometimes distant, sometimes engaged—due to their internal conflict between wanting connection and fearing vulnerability. If someone isn’t interested, they’ll show more consistent detachment with little to no emotional warmth, even if they engage occasionally.
• Fear of Vulnerability vs. Lack of Effort: Avoidants fear emotional closeness and may shut down to protect themselves, even though they care. A person who isn’t interested will avoid emotional intimacy, but they won’t be emotionally conflicted about it—they simply won’t invest any effort into the relationship.
• Seeking Independence vs. Passive Disengagement: Avoidants prioritize their independence and may retreat when they feel overwhelmed. If they care, they’ll still want some connection, though it might be on their terms. Someone who’s not interested will disengage without any effort to reconnect, and their absence of effort is more passive than protective.
• Making Effort When They Can vs. No Initiative: Avoidants may make small efforts to stay connected but on their terms, fearing too much closeness. Someone who isn’t interested will rarely initiate, and if they do, it won’t lead to meaningful engagement or growth in the relationship.

Key differences

• Avoidant Attachment: is about fear of emotional closeness and vulnerability, even when they care. They struggle to connect because they feel emotionally unsafe.
• Not Interested: means there’s no emotional investment—no inner conflict or desire to deepen the relationship, even if the person engages sporadically out of boredom.

Checklist: Signs of Avoidant Attachment in a Partner

Difficulty expressing emotions

Prefers independence over emotional closeness

Avoids deep emotional conversations

Prefers to handle problems alone rather than seeking support

Feels uncomfortable with too much emotional closeness

Withdraws when things get too intimate or vulnerable

Avoids asking for or giving emotional support

Has difficulty opening up about feelings or needs

What Happens When Two Avoidants Date Each Other?

When two avoidant attachment styles come together, things can feel easy and effortless at first. Both partners value their independence and avoid emotional vulnerability, so there’s no pressure for closeness. The relationship can seem ideal—no emotional demands, no conflict. But as time passes, emotional distance starts to grow, and underlying issues surface.

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What Happens When Two Dismissive Avoidants Are in a Relationship?

With two Dismissive Avoidants, the relationship can feel comfortable but shallow. Both partners are fine with keeping things light and not diving into deep emotional intimacy. This might work at first, but over time, the lack of connection can leave both partners feeling disconnected.

Emotional Distance Feels Safe:
Both partners avoid emotional intimacy, preferring to keep their feelings to themselves. The relationship remains surface-level and comfortable, but lacks depth.

Minimal Conflict, Minimal Growth:
Neither partner pushes for deeper emotional connection or confrontation. While this makes for a peaceful relationship, it also prevents growth and deeper understanding.

Silent Unmet Needs:
Both partners may assume the other is fine, leading to silent frustration as emotional needs go unaddressed. These unmet needs can slowly create passive tension that affects the relationship.

What Happens When a Dismissive Avoidant and Fearful Avoidant Are in a Relationship?

The Dismissive Avoidant and Fearful Avoidant relationship is often filled with emotional push-pull, as both partners struggle with closeness in different ways. The Fearful Avoidant craves connection but fears vulnerability, while the Dismissive Avoidant values independence and shuts down emotionally. This creates confusion and frustration for both.

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The Fearful Avoidant’s Fear of Asking for More:
The Fearful Avoidant wants emotional closeness but perceives the Dismissive Avoidant’s emotional distance as a sign of rejection. They fear asking for more intimacy will drive the Dismissive Avoidant away, so they suppress their needs.

The Dismissive Avoidant’s Unawareness:
The Dismissive Avoidant interprets the Fearful Avoidant’s withdrawal as a sign that everything is fine. They believe they’re giving the Fearful Avoidant space and think the relationship is in a good place, unaware of the emotional turmoil the Fearful Avoidant is feeling.

Emotional Tension and Outbursts:
As the Fearful Avoidant bottlenecks their emotions, frustration builds. Eventually, they lash out emotionally, which feels sudden and confusing to the Dismissive Avoidant, who hasn’t seen the warning signs.

Reinforcing Core Wounds for Both:
The Dismissive Avoidant feels like something is wrong with them when the Fearful Avoidant reacts, while the Fearful Avoidant’s fear of rejection is confirmed. Both partners are left feeling misunderstood and emotionally drained.

What Happens When Two Fearful Avoidants Are in a Relationship?

When two Fearful Avoidants are in a relationship, the emotional dynamic is chaotic. Both partners crave intimacy but fear it, creating a cycle of emotional closeness followed by withdrawal. This results in an intense push-pull dynamic that leaves both feeling emotionally overwhelmed.

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Intense Push-Pull Dynamic:
Both partners desire emotional closeness but retreat when it gets too vulnerable, leading to a constant back-and-forth of seeking intimacy and pulling away.

Emotional Chaos:
Both partners experience heightened emotional intensity. They project their fears of rejection onto each other, leading to misunderstandings and emotional volatility.

Heightened Anxiety and Overreaction:
The fear of betrayal and abandonment causes both partners to overanalyze each other’s actions, leading to unnecessary conflict and anxiety.

Emotional Stagnation or Conflict:
Without addressing their core issues, the relationship may become stuck in an unhealthy cycle of emotional chaos, leaving both partners feeling frustrated and unfulfilled.

Can Two Avoidants Make a Relationship Work?

Two avoidants in a relationship can work, but only if both partners actively put in the work to address their emotional needs. While it may feel natural to avoid intimacy, taking small steps toward connection can lead to a healthier, more fulfilling relationship. Here’s how two avoidants can make it work:

Practicing Emotional Openness

Start with Small Steps Toward Vulnerability:
Begin by sharing minor feelings and thoughts. This helps ease into vulnerability and creates a safer emotional space over time.

Use Structured Conversations to Discuss Emotions:
Set aside specific times to talk about how you feel in a calm, organized way. This allows both partners to express their emotions without feeling overwhelmed.

Reassure Each Other That Emotional Closeness Is Safe:
It’s important to regularly remind each other that emotional vulnerability is a safe space in the relationship. Reassurance can help both partners feel more secure about opening up.

Communicating Needs Clearly

Practice Using “I” Statements:
Frame your emotional needs with “I” statements (e.g., “I feel disconnected when we don’t talk about our feelings”) to avoid sounding accusatory and create space for constructive dialogue.

Schedule Regular Check-Ins:
Have regular check-ins to discuss how the relationship is progressing and to ensure both partners’ emotional needs are being met.

Set Clear Expectations About Space and Connection:
Both partners should agree on boundaries and what emotional space and connection look like in the relationship. Clarity here helps reduce misunderstandings and prevents passive frustration.

Building Intimacy at a Comfortable Pace

Find Non-Verbal Ways to Express Affection:
Sometimes, physical affection or small gestures like holding hands or sharing a smile can create intimacy without pushing either partner too far out of their comfort zone.

Engage in Shared Activities That Naturally Foster Connection:
Spend quality time together doing something you both enjoy—whether it’s hiking, cooking, or exploring a hobby. Shared activities naturally help you bond.

Respect Each Other’s Need for Independence:
It’s important to respect each other’s need for personal space while still trying to deepen emotional bonds slowly. Balance is key.

Seeking Support and Growth

Consider Therapy or Coaching:
Working with a therapist or coach can help address deeper attachment wounds and offer strategies to communicate better and build emotional intimacy.

Learn About Attachment Theory Together:
Educating yourselves about attachment theory can help you understand each other’s behaviors and triggers, providing insight into how to support one another more effectively.

Work on Individual Emotional Growth:
Both partners should focus on their own emotional growth to become more secure in their attachment style. When both individuals become more secure, the relationship as a whole will flourish.

Quick Tip: Building trust takes time—focus on small, consistent efforts rather than drastic changes.

The Long-Term Outlook: Can Two Avoidants Have a Healthy Relationship?

While the foundation for two avoidants in a relationship can be rocky, the long-term potential is there—especially if both partners are dedicated to emotional growth. Here’s what you can expect in the long run:

Progressing Toward Emotional Security

In the long term, a relationship between avoidants can become healthier if both partners actively work on their attachment wounds. Over time, as both individuals grow more comfortable with emotional vulnerability and communication, the relationship can shift toward emotional security. This means that emotional intimacy becomes less intimidating, and trust begins to build naturally.

Commitment to Change

The real long-term success of an avoidant-avoidant relationship depends on both partners’ commitment to overcoming their attachment issues. If they are open to seeking support (therapy or coaching), learning about attachment theory, and confronting their fears, they can eventually break free from their avoidant patterns. This commitment is key to moving beyond the emotional distance and stagnation that often occurs early on.

Breaking the Stagnation Cycle

Without conscious effort, the relationship can become stuck in a cycle of emotional withdrawal, leaving both partners feeling distant, misunderstood, and frustrated. However, through small, consistent efforts, avoidants can break this cycle. By gradually increasing emotional openness, both partners can slowly build a stronger bond and create a more emotionally fulfilling relationship.

Creating a Secure, Long-Lasting Bond

Over time, the relationship can evolve into a secure, fulfilling partnership where both partners feel seen, heard, and respected. Emotional safety is key to long-term success, and once that foundation is built, the relationship can shift from being emotionally distant to emotionally connected and supportive.

Can Avoidants Transition into More Secure Attachment Styles?

Yes, it’s absolutely possible. Avoidants can transition into more secure attachment styles with consistent effort and self-awareness. Over time, both partners can start to feel more comfortable with intimacy and less fearful of emotional closeness, creating a more balanced and fulfilling connection.

What Does a Healthy Avoidant-Avoidant Relationship Look Like in the Long Term?

In the long run, a healthy avoidant-avoidant relationship is characterized by:

• Emotional safety: Both partners feel comfortable expressing their emotions without fear of judgment or rejection.
• Clear communication: They’ve developed ways to communicate openly about their needs and boundaries.
• Mutual respect: Both partners respect each other’s need for space while also making efforts to build emotional closeness.
• Gradual intimacy: Emotional closeness develops slowly, but consistently, as both partners become more comfortable with vulnerability.

Strengthen Your Bond with Personal Development School

Building a healthy relationship—especially when both partners have avoidant attachment styles—takes time, awareness, and consistent effort. If you and your partner are committed to growth, you can move beyond emotional barriers and create a deeper, more secure bond.

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Discover your Attachment Style and begin your journey to a stronger relationship today.

Explore Our Courses Designed for Two Avoidants In a Relationship:

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Take the first step toward creating the loving, supportive relationship you deserve!

FAQ: People Also Ask

1. Can two avoidants make a relationship work?
   Yes, two avoidant partners can make a relationship work, but it requires conscious effort, open communication, and gradual steps toward emotional vulnerability. By learning about attachment theory, setting clear boundaries, and seeking professional support if necessary, they can overcome the typical “distance dance” that avoidants often experience.

2. Are two avoidants a good match?
   Two avoidants can be a good match if they recognize that their shared need for independence can also lead to emotional distance. With awareness, they can learn to respect each other’s space while gradually building closeness and trust over time.

3. What happens when an avoidant is dating an avoidant?
   When two avoidants date, they may initially enjoy the low-pressure dynamic but struggle with deeper intimacy down the line. Communication about emotional needs is crucial to avoid misunderstandings and foster connection instead of drifting apart.

4. Why are avoidants attracted to avoidants?
   Avoidants may be attracted to each other because they share similar comfort zones—both value space and autonomy. Initially, they feel safe from emotional overwhelm, but this can lead to a lack of depth and emotional disconnect unless both partners make a conscious effort to address their avoidant patterns.

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