How to Date Someone with an Avoidant Attachment

Dating someone with an avoidant attachment can be both thrilling and daunting.

That's because avoidants are torn between wanting a relationship and love but are also scared of the pain and emotions it can cause.

That's why understanding this attachment style can help navigate the complexities of dating this person. That's the focus of today's blog.

We'll delve into avoidant attachment styles and provide tips for dating someone with this attachment style.

Understanding Attachment Styles in Adults

Attachment styles (based on the concept of Attachment Theory) are patterns and beliefs formed in childhood that influence how we form, foster, and maintain relationships as adults.

Many of a person’s beliefs, communication patterns, expectations, and behaviors in relationships are driven by experienced and interactions they experienced in childhood.

How our parents raised us, taught us about relationships and love, and how we experienced it for ourselves creates this set of rules that we take with us well into adulthood.

However, most people don’t realize that their attachment style is causing issues in their romantic relationships. This can result in repetitive fights and arguments, becoming irrational and emotional about little things, or withdrawing when getting too close to someone.

Depending on a person's attachment style, these patterns and actions come in different forms.

There are four main attachment styles: secure, anxious preoccupied, dismissive avoidant, and fearful avoidant.

The last three are insecure attachment styles, with dismissive and fearful falling under the “avoidant attachment style” umbrella.

Let’s take a deeper look at the avoidant attachment style.

What is an Avoidant Attachment Style?

An avoidant attachment style is individuals (with either a dismissive or fearful attachment style) who have difficulty expressing their feelings while prioritizing their independence and freedom.

The irony is that they crave relationships and love, but they fear that they’ll get hurt if they commit or become vulnerable in the relationship. That’s all due to the core wounds they developed in childhood, which can result in unhealthy relationship patterns.

There are two types of avoidant attachment styles:

• Dismissive Avoidant Style
• Fearful-Avoidant Style

Read this blog to learn more about the dismissive and fearful avoidant attachment styles.

Am I Dating Someone with an Avoidant Style?

Identifying an avoidant attachment style in your partner involves observing their behavior and communication patterns. Here are some of the common signs and tendencies that you’re dating someone with an avoidant style:

1—They distance themselves

Avoidants are known for that word — avoidance. They tend to keep a distance and crave space when emotionally connected to someone or are emotionally charged. This defensive strategy might cause friction in relationships and impact emotional closeness.

2—They don’t like vulnerability or expressing emotions

Both fearful and dismissive avoidants don’t particularly like to feel vulnerable or in tune with their emotions. Therefore, they struggle when it comes to communication or expressing uncomfortable feelings. You might find that they’re difficult to open up in adult relationships.

3—They crave independence

People with an avoidant attachment style love doing things by themselves. They love their own space to recharge, want the freedom to explore stuff and do things for themselves, and are self-reliant. That might clash in serious relationships as they drift to doing things for themselves.

4—Feel uncomfortable with commitment

Avoidants tend to steer clear of making long-term plans or discussing the potential future of your relationship. They do because they fear they’ll grow attached and end up in pain if those expectations aren’t met or if they're betrayed.

5—Aren’t attuned to their and your emotions

Avoidants can’t label their emotions or feelings because they refuse to acknowledge them. In turn, they struggle with understanding your feelings too, often becoming emotionally unavailable.

6—Very different communication methods

Dismissives communicate via body language and actions, while fearful avoidants demand transparency and honesty. This might lead to widely misconstrued communication patterns with partners.

7—They self-sabotage

Avoidants may be prone to self-sabotage their relationships due to their fears of intimacy. They subconsciously act in a way where a breakup is the result. These avoidant behaviors can be displayed by being childish, cold, distant, and withdrawn. The thing is, they might not necessarily be their intention to do it; they just act on their emotions.

How To Date Someone with an Avoidant Style: 16 Tips

1—Communicate your concerns openly

Encourage honest conversations about feelings and needs so you can foster trust and understanding. While the avoidant might not be likely to talk about their feelings, you must assert your thoughts and feelings. But make sure you do it in a calm and non-judgmental manner. Criticizing them can cause a riff.

2—Respect boundaries

Avoidants thrive on independence and freedom. To create a harmonious and intimate relationship, you must understand and respect your partner's need for space and independence. Give them the space to have alone time for themselves.

3—Be patient

Understand that building trust and intimacy may take time for someone with an avoidant attachment style. It might feel like you're in relationship limbo, but don’t pressure them too much; let them come around to their thoughts and emotions in their own time.

4—Validate their feelings

Avoidants like to be validated and have their feelings and thoughts acknowledged, even if they struggle to express them. It’s a delicate blend where you should try to validate them while not criticizing them.

5—Practice empathy

Try understanding your partner's perspective and experiences and showing empathy and support. Remember that avoidants have strong fears originating from childhood trauma and already struggle with criticism. So it’s best to recognize that past experiences may influence your partner's attachment style and behavior in relationships.

6—Avoid pressure

Avoidants don’t like to be pressured in their life. They become overwhelmed and struggle with the expectations placed on them. Dismissived experience this more than fearful avoidants in some cases.

7—Foster independence

Aoidants love their freedom and independence to do their own thing. Putting up boundaries or borders that don’t allow them the time to recharge will harm the trust in the relationship. Try to encourage and support your partner's pursuits and interests outside of the relationship.

8—Demonstrate reliability Mainly for fearful avoidants who have core wounds about betrayal and trust due to childhood trauma. If you’re consistent and reliable in your actions and words, you’ll build a sense of security for your partner and improve the relationship.

9—Create a safe space

Both dismissive and fearful avoidants struggle with expressing their emotions. Dismissive tend to withdraw emotionally while fearful avoidants struggle to understand their own emotions. But if you create a safe space for them through your words and actions, they’ll more likely reject any perceived threats and express their thoughts and emotions more freely.

10—Try to understand their needs

Even though dismissive and fearful avoidants have different needs (although some are similar), it’s essential to understand what they need in relationships and for themselves. It will be beneficial to both of you.

11—Focus on quality time

Prioritize meaningful experiences together to strengthen your bond and connection. Offer exciting and new things for them to do, so they can enjoy time with you. Quality time is vital for avoidants in establishing trust, transparency, and freedom.

12—Be mindful of triggers

Pay attention to situations or topics that may trigger anxiety or avoidance in your partner. Knowing what will trigger them (especially fearful avoidants) can help strengthen the relationship while also helping them understand where they can improve themselves.

13—If they check out, give them time

Your avoidant partner may have a hard time with emotional conversations. They most likely will shut down, withdraw, or stonewall you. Don’t pressure them to talk. Just give them the space they need and return to the conversation later.

14—Consider your own attachment style

It’s important to know your attachment style and how it works with an avoidant style. You need enough knowledge for both attachment styles to see how to make the relationship work.

You can take our free attachment quiz and receive a free personalized report.

15—Practice self-care Take care of your own emotional well-being and set healthy boundaries to maintain balance in the relationship. Remember that you need to meet your own relationship and emotional needs, too. It’s not all one-way traffic.

16—Become securely attached Moving the needle from avoidant to securely attached is the best way to empower your relationship. Although the transformational journey is tough, you and your partner can do it with the proper support and tools. Becoming securely attached will result in a more harmonious, loving, and empowered romantic relationship.

Dating someone with an avoidant attachment style requires understanding, patience, and empathy. With these tips, you can foster a strong and healthy connection while also nurturing your own emotional well-being.

If you want to improve your dating life, search for our Conscious Dating: Thrive in Your Love Life program and start your journey!

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