Dismissive Avoidant Attachment in Adults

Adults with a dismissive avoidant attachment (also known as disorganized attachment style) often struggle with emotional intimacy and vulnerability, leading to challenges in their personal relationships.

It all starts in childhood and can have a lasting impact on life. 

But that doesn’t mean dismissive avoidant women or men can’t change it.

There are options to do it; it’s just about understanding the attachment style and its behaviors first before seeking to transform it.

This guide for dismissive avoidant adults can help. 

How Does Dismissive Attachment Develop in Women & Men?

Whether you’re a dismissive avoidant woman or man, this attachment style develops the same way. 

It starts in early childhood and is the result of inconsistent parenting, emotional neglect, unmet needs, and the suppression of emotions.

The result is that the child develops the internal belief that they cannot rely on others for emotional support, leading them to prioritize self-reliance and independence and view relationships and love as challenges.

As these children grow into adulthood, they carry this mindset into their romantic relationships. 

They avoid emotional expression and distance themselves from others, making it difficult for them to connect with others, be vulnerable, accept and process their emotions, and open up and create the closeness they desire (despite their image that they don’t care or want it).

The result is a cycle where they will feel unfulfilled in their relationships.

Understanding this background is crucial for addressing and overcoming dismissive avoidant attachment.

However, it’s also important to recognize the definitive behaviors of dismissive avoidants in adults, because there is some overlap with the fearful avoidant attachment style.

What Behaviors Do Dismissive Attachment Adults Have?

Adults with dismissive avoidant attachment have several defining behaviors:

Strongly Independent: They often pride themselves on their independence and freedom and may view reliance on others as a weakness. They are able and want to handle things themselves and don’t like to be reliant on others at all. They showcase a deep-rooted belief that self-sufficiency is key to life. 

Avoid Emotional Displays: Dismissive avoidants are known for keeping their emotions to themselves. In fact, expressing emotions can make them feel uncomfortable. You would notice it as they avoid deep conversations or emotional interactions, preferring to keep discussions light and superficial.

Reluctance to Commit to Relationships: They struggle to commit to relationships, whether it’s friendships or romances. That’s because they often view these relationships as a source of discomfort, associating them with overwhelming and complicated feelings and the potential to lose their freedom and independence. 

Have Strong Boundaries: Whether that’s physical distance, alone time, or not expressing their feelings (such as some PDA or through words), dismissive avoidant women and men are known for having very strong boundaries. They will put up walls when challenged or when they need their alone time. 

History of Short Relationships: This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it is a sign that someone is dealing with dismissive avoidant tendencies. Because they are focused and too scared to commit to someone, they end up having short flings, being triggered when things get too serious. 

Tend to Minimize Emotions: Dismissive avoidants are recognized for not being overly sympathetic and empathic. It’s not that they don’t care or don’t show affection (in fact, there are numerous ways dismissive avoidants can show they love you), but it’s more that they don’t like engaging in signs of emotions. 

Have Fears of Being “Controlled”: They fear losing their autonomy in relationships, which is why the self-sabotage relationships and even end healthy relationships in order to regain their sense of freedom.

However, while all the above points make it sound like a dismissive avoidant has issues, there are many positive sides to dating or being in a relatonship with them. 

They are generally very easygoing and fun people to be around. They are confident in who they are, what they want, and where they want to go in life. Their independence and self-sufficiency allow them to self-soothe and not dwell on past issues or experiences. 

When comfortable in relationships, dismissive avoidants show affection and care in different ways. They also offer logical and practical advice, are quick to find solutions to problems, and can be very results-driven.  

Many are committed to their careers, working hard and thriving in an office environment because they can manage and balance interpersonal office relationships. They are productive, resourceful, and deliver work effectively. 

Watch this video to learn about the things dismissive avoidant women want you to know!

Can Dismissive Avoidant Women & Men Change?

The short answer is yes — dismissive avoidant women and men can change their ways. They can move past their dismissive avoidant attachment style and become securely attached. 

But there are several steps you have to take to make this change and cultivate healthier relationships:

Acknowledge Your Attachment Style: Recognizing and understanding your dismissive avoidant tendencies is the first step toward change. You can’t do this if you don’t know which attachment style you have. This level of self-awareness will provide insight into your actions, thoughts, and beliefs and what you need to change. 

If you don’t know if you have a dismissive avoidant attachment style or not, feel free to take our free attachment style quiz.

Reprogram Your Subconscious Mind: Your subconscious mind hides all your tendencies and traits because they are ingrained since childhood. But by rewiring those actions, thoughts, and beliefs at that level, you can slowly embrace a secure attachment style. 

Our Healthy and Secure Relationships with/for the Emotionally Unavailable Person course is the best way to start your journey.

Challenge Negative Beliefs: Negative thoughts about relationships, love, intimacy, and dependence have a huge impact on how dismissive avoidants form connections. It’s important to reframe and challenge them to enhance making healthy connections. You can start this process by journaling to explore your feelings about relationships and uncover any underlying fears. 

Slowly Express Your Feelings: Gradually involve yourself in emotional situations that make you uncomfortable. The more you do so, the more it becomes normal for you. Increase your emotional openness by discussing your fears, hopes, and insecurities to create a space safe with your partner without any fear of judgment or repercussions. 

Explore Childhood Trauma: It is important to uncover what is causing you to act the way you do to overcome it. Unmet needs, traumatic experiences, or poor relationships can have a lasting effect on one's life into adulthood. Therapy or relationship courses can help. 

Practice Mindfulness: Engaging in mindfulness practices, such as meditation or deep breathing, can help you become more attuned to your emotions and reduce anxiety associated with intimacy. This practice can help you respond to your feelings more consciously rather than reacting defensively.

Summary of Dismissive Avoidants Adults

• Dismissive avoidant attachment is defined by emotional detachment, difficulty with intimacy, and a strong sense of self-reliance. 
• This attachment style often develops from childhood experiences of inconsistent parenting, emotional neglect, unmet needs, and suppressed emotions.
• Key dismissive avoidant adult behaviors include independence, firm boundaries, fear of commitment, and avoiding emotions. 
• Strategies for overcoming dismissive avoidant attachment include acknowledging the style, reprogramming the subconscious mind, and challenging negative beliefs.

If you need help on your dismissive avoidant journey, feel free to consider our Healthy and Secure Relationships with/for the Emotionally Unavailable Person (Dismissive Avoidant Re-programming Course).

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