Can a Cheater Ever Change? Signs and How to Rebuild Trust

If you've ever been betrayed by someone you love, you’ve probably wrestled with one painful question: Can a cheater change?

For some, the answer is a flat no (“Once a cheater, always a cheater”). For others, if the cheater undertakes a journey of self-reflection and introspection, yes, they can.

It's a question that touches deep wounds—trust, loyalty, and self-worth. It is an often contentious issue in relationships, challenging our beliefs about trust, forgiveness, and redemption.

Change is possible—but only if it’s paired with real self-awareness, accountability, and consistent action. So, let’s dive deeper into whether a cheater can change.

In this article, we’ll break it all down:

• Why Do People Cheat
• Do Cheaters Ever Change?
• The Challenges Cheaters Face
• Can You Forgive a Cheater?

Why Do People Cheat?

Unfortunately, there is no one-size-fits-all reason why people cheat. It's natural to ask yourself, and others, “Why?”.

This is crucial to figuring out if a cheater can ever change.

Many internal and external factors explain why people commit infidelity to their respective partners. Sometimes they may come from a place of cruelty or intent to harm, but most of the time they come from unmet needs or attachment patterns.

These factors can be classified into three sections: emotional needs, situational factors, and internal struggles.

Emotional Needs

Some individuals commit infidelity to fill emotional voids in their relationship, including:

• Feeling neglected by their partner
• A lack of love from an emotional point of view
• Feeling unloved or trying to improve their self-esteem

These reasons are particularly common for those with an anxious preoccupied attachment style, as they seek emotional connections and will seek them out if they can't get any.

Situational Factors

Sometimes, cheating happens because the opportunity presents itself:

• Long-distance or physical separation
• Influence of substances, such as alcohol or drugs
• Moments of temptation

Internal Struggles

People battling internal dialogue can cause them to commit infidelity, with reasons including:

• Low self-worth or poor self-esteem
• Attachment wounds that cause fear of true closeness
• Unresolved trauma or fear of commitment
• A need for validation or thrill (or a desire for variety)
• Anger against their spouse or partner

The 6 Types of Cheaters

Research has indicated that there are several types of cheaters, with many providing a platform, whether they can change or not.

• The Opportunist – Cheats when the situation arises, often impulsively
• The Validation Seeker – Craves attention and affirmation from others
• The Closet Poly – Desires multiple partners but hasn’t communicated that truth
• The Serial Cheater – Repeats the pattern, often without remorse
• The Thrill Seeker – Chases excitement and risk, regardless of the consequences
• The Exit Strategist – Uses cheating as a way to end the relationship

Now that we understand the actions behind cheating, let’s look at whether they can ever change.

Attachment Styles & Cheating

Cheating is never justified, but it can often be traced back to more profound, unresolved attachment trauma based on attachment styles.

This creates core wounds that fester in relationships, subconsciously driving people to commit acts of infidelity.

Some examples of attachment trauma include emotional neglect, abandonment, or betrayal in early life, which, in turn, lead to the core wounds of unworthiness, fear of intimacy, or chronic insecurity.

Understanding these roots doesn’t excuse the cheater's action, but it helps explain why it happened and, most importantly, why healing those core wounds is essential to prevent repeating the same patterns.

Let's take a deeper look at how each attachment style drives cheating:

Attachment Styles	Reasons Behind Cheating
Anxious Attachment	If they feel unwanted, rejected, or emotionally disconnected, they might cheat as a way to feel desired or validated, often acting impulsively when they feel emotionally neglected.
Dismissive Avoidant	If they feel smothered or emotionally vulnerable, they might cheat to create distance or reclaim a sense of independence without ending the relationship.
Fearful Avoidant (Disorganized)	The internal push-pull of fearful avoidants can lead to sabotaging relationships before someone else can hurt them. Cheating can become a confusing way to test love or push someone away before they get “too close.”
Secure Attachment	Secure individuals generally communicate needs and boundaries well. If cheating happens, it’s more likely tied to specific relationship issues rather than unconscious patterns of emotional wounding.

Do Cheaters Ever Change?

The short answer to “Do cheaters ever change?” is yes. The long answer is a little more complicated and in-depth.

On the one hand, being cheated on is emotionally devastating for a partner. It can ruin relationships, cause intense emotional pain, break trust, spur vengeful actions, and cause anxiety and depression.

They might never trust someone again or become skeptical about future relationships. It’s tough for the person who was cheated on to recover from the initial shock and turmoil.

For the cheater themselves, they might feel remorse and guilt for their actions, realizing they made a mistake. They might try to make amends or look to rebuild the relationship.

This deep pain could be the catalyst for their long-term change, but it requires self-awareness, remorse, support, and consistent effort.

How Likely Is It for a Cheater to Change?

This is a complex question, given that it depends on the individual, the relationship, and the cause of their cheating.

Research here paints a stark picture, though.

“The researchers found that those who were unfaithful in one relationship had three times the odds of being unfaithful in the next when compared to those who had not been unfaithful in the first relationship.”

However, contrasting research states that cheaters can change if they are able to recognize harmful patterns of infidelity, acknowledge why change is needed, and have a desire to improve”. Furthermore, there is no difference between the sexes, as men and women are equally likely to cheat or be cheated on.

Overall, without intensive self-work, therapy, and often, deep emotional unpacking, cheaters cannot change.

Someone who cheats once, feels immediate remorse, and seeks help may have a much higher chance of transforming, especially if they have the emotional maturity to face their attachment trauma issues.

So, long story short: yes, cheaters can change, but they have to recognize what they've done and face why they did it.

Do Cheaters Feel Guilty While Cheating?

Surprisingly, many cheaters do experience guilt after they cheat or even during the process of cheating.

This is known as “Cheater's guilt" and involves them feeling remorse and guilt for their actions (realizing they made a mistake) and trying to make amends or rebuild the relationship.

However, many “others may not feel remorse or regret, even reporting satisfaction with their affairs.”

While guilt is a powerful motivator for change, what matters is turning that guilt into action. Luckily, there is a step-by-step guide for them to do that (and for their partner to know it's real).

How Cheaters Can Change (And How to Know If It’s Real)

For cheaters, it’s not about saying the right things; it’s about doing the right things, consistently.

If you’re wondering whether you (or your partner) is serious about change, here’s what that process really looks like—along with the signs that reveal if they’re genuinely following through.

Step 1: They Take Full Responsibility Without Excuses

The cheater stops blaming outside circumstances, owns their actions, and accepts honest accountability.

Signs to look for:

• They use “I” statements instead of “you made me...”
• They don’t justify the cheating with past relationship issues
• They acknowledge the pain they caused without being defensive

Step 2: They Unpack the Root Cause (Emotional or Psychological)

Without genuine motivation and introspection, lasting change is unlikely. Cheaters must confront their behavior and its consequences honestly.

Individuals must recognize the destructive patterns that led to cheating and actively seek personal growth and change.

Taking the time to reflect on their experience of infidelity can be a wake-up call, prompting deep introspection about personal values, cheating behaviors, issues (such as sex addiction), and the impact on others.

Signs to look for:

• They speak openly about what they’ve learned
• They’re curious about their internal patterns
• They’ve explored the root cause in therapy, journaling, or self-study

Step 3: They Commit to Real Personal Growth

Changing your ways is about becoming a better version of yourself.

Cheating on someone is an opportunity to learn about reactions, thoughts, and responses. It allows someone to reflect on what they did, get to the root cause of their infidelity, and, most importantly, spark personal growth.

Some individuals recognize the destructive patterns that led to cheating and actively seek personal growth and change, seeking therapy, self-improvement, and becoming better partners.

Signs to look for:

• They make changes that benefit their own emotional health, even without guarantees that they’ll stay
• They’re working to manage stress, anxiety, or impulsivity differently
• They begin to show up consistently in all areas of life, not just in your relationship

Step 4: They Seek Support (And Stick With It)

Supportive relationships and communities play a crucial role in facilitating change in anyone. The power is understanding the ways they need to get support.

Individual and couples therapy, online courses, or support groups can provide cheaters with tools to address underlying issues, learn healthier ways of relating, and provide tools and encouragement to develop healthier relationship skills.

However, despite all the hard work that someone might put in — and feel they’ve undergone — there are still many challenges they’ll face.

Signs to look for:

• They suggest or attend therapy without being asked
• They share insights or tools they’re learning from their sessions
• They’re open to couples counseling to repair the relationship together

Step 5: They Practice Transparency and Earn Back Trust

A cheater who’s serious about change welcomes transparency and allows their actions, not just their words, to speak.

Signs to look for:

• They don’t hide their phone or social media
• They consistently check in with how you are feeling
• They’re patient with your triggers and don't guilt you for needing reassurance

Step 6: They Respect Your Healing Timeline

Even if they’re changing, you get to heal on your own timeline. Change takes time. So does healing. A truly remorseful partner won’t pressure you to “get over it” or fast-forward the process.

Signs to look for:

• They validate your emotions, even the hard ones
• They don’t resort to love bombing or manipulation
• They understand that your forgiveness (if it happens) must be earned, not demanded

Lasting change isn’t about perfection, it’s about progress. But remember: It’s okay to walk away if those signs aren’t there.

People deserve honesty, safety, and peace, with or without them.

And even when someone is genuinely trying to change, there are still major challenges ahead that can make or break the healing process.

The Challenges Cheaters Face During the Healing Process

Emotional Fallout: Guilt, Shame, and Self-Image

Guilt and shame are the most common feelings that cheaters experience after infidelity, and they can have an impact on a person’s actions, their future, and any upcoming relationships.

Most of the time, guilt and shame can spark a desire to repair themselves and focus on their trauma or actions, pushing them towards becoming a better person.

However, it can have the opposite effect, putting cheaters in emotional limbo, unsure how to proceed and make real changes.

Resisting Temptation and Breaking Old Habits

It’s not like a cheater suddenly doesn’t have temptations any longer. Serial cheaters, like the Closet Poly or Thrill Seeker, have to really learn to control their temptations when exposed to them. They can’t suddenly give in any longer, nor be tempted. It’s tough for someone to break their habits when they’re exposed to them.

That’s due to cheating patterns being tied to unmet emotional needs, attachment wounds, or struggles with emotional regulation.

True change comes from building new coping strategies to break these habits, including self-soothing, recognizing personal triggers, and regulating impulses.

Rebuilding Trust: A Long and Fragile Process

Trust is fragile and takes time to rebuild. The betrayed partner might never be able to trust that person again, and it could take years to establish a close bond again. There’s also the paranoia that a person deals with and might never overcome due to unfaithfulness.

The betrayed partner’s fear, anxiety, and hypervigilance are natural, not signs of being "too sensitive" or "unable to forgive." Sometimes, even after immense effort, full trust never returns.

For a relationship to have a strong foundation again, both partners must commit to open communication, honesty, and consistency, while acknowledging that the relationship might not be the same again.

Navigating Attachment Styles in the Aftermath

People with different attachment styles (anxious, fearful, or dismissive avoidants, and secure) approach heartbreak, cheating, and relationships in general in various ways. These styles can have a big impact on how a partner can mend bridges with someone.

Attachment styles also shape how partners process betrayal, and often, they clash during the healing journey. These mismatches can create even more confusion unless both people are willing to learn each other’s attachment styles, build a bridge between their differing needs, and focus on becoming securely attached.

Avoiding Love Bombing and Performative Remorse

Many cheaters try to go above and beyond in reclaiming their relationship and declaring their love. This can, at times, go against what the partner wants and cause more distress. Cheaters should recognize that it takes time and not resort to Love Bombing tactics.

While the intention might be good, when these actions aren’t paired with deep emotional work, they can feel manipulative or hollow to the hurt partner. Consistency, not intensity, is what rebuilds trust.

Dealing with Resentment and Unresolved Emotions

The betrayed partner may wrestle with resentment and distrust, which can strain efforts toward reconciliation.

They will feel angry, sad, and even vengeful, which might make them take action against their partner. This could be through divorce, separation, or even cheating. This puts even more strain on the relationship, leading to unresolved conflicts.

Change isn’t easy — and it certainly isn’t guaranteed. But for those willing to confront the discomfort, take full responsibility, and stay committed to growth, a new version of the relationship can emerge. One that’s built on honesty, hard-earned trust, and mutual understanding.

Is It Possible to Forgive a Cheater?

It depends on the person, the scenario of the cheating (was it multiple sexual encounters, emotional affairs, or just one time?), and the relationship itself.

For some betrayed spouses, cheating (or a history of cheating in previous relationships) is a relationship deal breaker, and there is no way forgiveness is accepted.

Forgiving someone after infidelity doesn’t mean condoning what happened, and it certainly doesn’t mean forgetting it. Forgiveness is about releasing the grip of anger, pain, and resentment so that you can heal. It's an act of self-liberation, not an erasure of the hurt.

Remembering what happened, setting healthy boundaries, and holding people accountable can coexist with forgiveness. True healing often begins when:

• The partner believes the cheater can demonstrate sincere regret for their actions, acknowledging the hurt and betrayal they've caused.
• The relationship is transparent. Openness and honesty about the affair, including its reasons, are crucial for rebuilding trust and forgiveness.
• Accountability for their actions and the work to prove accountability is another way a partner can forgive a cheater.
• Committing to changing their ways. The cheater must show a willingness to change the behaviors that led to infidelity. This can include addressing issues within the relationship, themselves, and their past to uncover their true causes.
• The cheater is willing to get professional help from a relationship expert. This can include personal therapy, couples counseling, or support groups.
• The relationship dynamics might have to change — and the cheater has to accept it. A relationship history will never be the same after an affair or one-night stand. Both partners must assess what led to the affair and work on improving their relationship dynamics, with the cheater having to acknowledge that it will be very different for them. They also have to consider if the relationship is unbalanced, unfair, or codependent.
• The cheater proves they can be trusted again. This gradual process involves transparency, accountability, and consistency in actions over time.

Forgiveness is a journey that varies for each individual and couple, influenced by the depth of the cheating itself, the relationship, and the efforts made to repair it.

However, a successful reconciliation after infidelity can lead to a stronger and more resilient partnership, but it demands confronting uncomfortable truths and navigating emotional upheaval in the relationship.

Takeaways: Do Cheaters Ever Change?

• Cheating occurs for many different reasons, including emotional needs, situational factors, internal struggles, and attachment trauma.
• There are different types of cheaters, including the Exit Strategist, the Opportunist, and the Serial Cheater.
• Cheaters can change if they put the work in through** intensive self-work, therapy, and deep emotional unpacking.
• It also includes taking full responsibility for their actions, unpacking the root cause of their actions, and practicing transparency and earning back trust.
• Cheaters face many challenges, including overcoming guilt, rebuilding trust, and dealing with resentment.
• Forgiving a cheater is possible with genuine remorse, transparency, and a commitment to change.
• Couples can survive infidelity through therapy, rebuilding trust, and reevaluating their relationship dynamics.
• Cheaters can change their ways, but it requires a lot of effort, self-reflection, acknowledgment of past mistakes, acceptance of personal growth, and active work toward rebuilding trust in the relationship.

It might be hard for partners to accept the cheating at first. If it’s not forgivable, then ending a relationship is justified. Some people, though, can rebuild the relationship if they believe their cheating partner can make amends.

It also depends on your attachment style, which you can learn more about, and your partner’s, by checking out the box below!

Do You Want to Know How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationships?
Take our free 5-minute attachment-style quiz. You’ll also get a free personalized report that explains everything!

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