Do Cheaters Ever Change?

Can cheaters change their ways? 

For some, the answer is a flat no (“Once a cheater, always a cheater”).

For others, if the cheater undertakes a journey of self-reflection and introspection, yes, they can. 

Regardless, whether cheaters can change is a deeply personal and often contentious issue in relationships. It challenges our beliefs about trust, forgiveness, and redemption. 

So, let’s dive deeper into whether a cheater can change. 

Why Do People Cheat?

Unfortunately, there is no one-size-fits-all reason why people cheat. Many internal and external factors explain why people commit infidelity on their respected partners. Some of the most common reasons include:

• Lack of love and sexual desire/intimacy
• Anger against their spouse or partner 
• Neglect or low levels of commitment 
• Relationship situation or scenario 
• A desire for variety
• A large distance between partners 
• To improve their self-esteem 

On top of that, there are different types of cheaters; some people do it once and are regretful, while others are serial cheaters. Here are the 6 types of cheaters: 

• The Opportunist
• The Validation Seeker 
• The Closet Poly
• The Serial Cheater 
• The Thrill Seeker
• The Exit Strategist

Now that we understand the actions behind cheating let’s look at whether they can ever change. 

Do Cheaters Ever Change?

The short answer to “Do cheaters ever change?” is a yes. 

The long answer is a little more complicated and in-depth.

Yes, a cheating spouse can change, but only if they do the work behind it.  

Being cheated on is emotionally devastating for a partner. It can ruin relationships, cause intense emotional pain, break trust, spur vengeful actions, and cause anxiety and depression. They might never trust someone again or become skeptical about relationships in the future. It’s tough for the person who was cheated on to recover from the initial shock and turmoil. 

For the cheater themselves, they might feel remorse and guilt for their actions, realizing they made a mistake. They might try to make amends or look to rebuild the relationship. 

And that’s where the hard work comes in. 

How Cheaters Can Change

Motivation for Change: Without genuine motivation and introspection, lasting change is unlikely. Cheaters must confront their behavior and its consequences honestly.

Is it because they feel like they have to make amends or because they want to? Do they truly love their partner? Did they enact the fantasy they wanted?

Individuals must recognize the destructive patterns that led to cheating and actively seek personal growth and change. Understanding that motivation is crucial for the next steps. 

Self-Reflection: Taking the time to reflect on their cheating actions is crucial for them to break their habits.

Did they do it because they wanted to? Was it an opportunity or a moment against the relationship? The cheater must understand this in greater depth to know the reasons behind their action.

The experience of infidelity can be a wake-up call, prompting deep introspection about personal values, cheating behaviors, issues (such as sex addiction), and the impact on others. 

Personal Growth: Cheating on someone is an opportunity to learn about reactions, thoughts, and responses. It allows someone to reflect on what they did, get to the root cause of their infidelity, and, most importantly, spark personal growth.

Some individuals recognize the destructive patterns that led to cheating and actively seek personal growth and change, seeking therapy, self-improvement, and becoming better partners. 

Seeking Support: Supportive relationships and communities play a crucial role in facilitating change in anyone. The power is understanding what ways they need to get support.

Individual and couples therapy, online courses, or support groups can provide cheaters with tools to address underlying issues, learn healthier ways of relating, and provide tools and encouragement to develop healthier relationship skills.

However, despite all the hard work that someone might put in — and feel they’ve undergone — there are still many challenges they’ll face. 

However, despite all the hard work that someone might put in — and feel they’ve undergone — there are still many challenges they’ll face. 

The Challenges Cheaters Face

Overcoming Guilt and Shame: Cheaters may struggle with overwhelming guilt and shame, hindering their ability to move forward and rebuild trust. It’s the most common feeling that cheaters experience after infidelity, and it can have an impact on a person’s actions, their future, and any upcoming relationships. 

Temptation: It’s not like a cheater suddenly doesn’t have temptations any longer. Serial cheaters, like the Closet Poly or Thrill Seeker, have to really learn to control their temptations when exposed to them. They can’t suddenly give in any longer nor be tempted. It’s tough for someone to break their habits when they’re exposed to them. 

Rebuilding Trust: Trust is fragile and takes time to rebuild. The betrayed partner might never be able to trust that person again, and it could take years to establish a close bond again. There’s also the paranoia that a person deals with and might never overcome due to unfaithfulness. For a relationship to have a strong foundation again, both partners must commit to open communication, honesty, and consistency.

Different Attachment Styles: People with different attachment styles (anxious, fearful or dismissive avoidants, and secure) approach heartbreak, cheating, and relationships in general in various ways. These styles can have a big impact on how a partner can mend bridges with someone. 

Coming On Strong: Many cheaters try to go above and beyond in reclaiming their relationship and declaring their love. This can, at times, go against what the partner wants and cause more distress. Cheaters should recognize it takes time and not resort to Love Bombing tactics. 

Dealing with Resentment: The betrayed partner may wrestle with resentment and distrust, which can strain efforts toward reconciliation. They will feel angry, sad, and even vengeful, which might make them take action against their partner. This could be through divorce, separation, or even cheating themselves. This puts even more strain on the relationship, leading to unresolved conflicts. 

Remember that change is not guaranteed and requires significant effort.

However, those who undergo genuine transformation often emerge with a deeper understanding of themselves and their relationships.

And most importantly, a new way forward. 

Watch this video to learn how to repair trust if someone has cheated in a relationship:

Is It Possible to Forgive a Cheater?

It depends on the person, the scenario of the cheating (was it multiple sexual encounters, emotional affairs, or just one time?), and the relationship itself.

For some betrayed spouses, cheating (or a history of cheating in previous relationships) is a relationship deal breaker, and there is no way forgiveness is accepted. 

Forgiving someone is a deeply personal and challenging process. Just like the unfaithful partner has to undergo a period of transformation, the same applies to the betrayed spouse. They have to really consider whether they want to accept that person again and go through the process of forgiving them. 

That forgiveness can seem impossible initially, but it can become conceivable if:

• The partner believes the cheater can demonstrate sincere regret for their actions, acknowledging the hurt and betrayal they've caused.
• The relationship is transparent. Openness and honesty about the affair, including its reasons, are crucial for rebuilding trust and forgiveness. 
• Accountability for their actions and the work to prove accountability is another way a partner can forgive a cheater. 
• Committing to changing their ways. The cheater must show a willingness to change the behaviors that led to infidelity. This can include addressing issues within the relationship, themselves, and their past to uncover their true causes.
• The cheater is willing to get professional help from a relationship expert. This can include personal therapy, couples counseling, or support groups.
• The relationship dynamics might have to change — and the cheater has to accept it. A relationship history will never be the same after an affair or one-night stand. Both partners must assess what led to the affair and work on improving their relationship dynamics, with the cheater having to acknowledge that it will be very different for them. They also have to consider if the relationship is unbalanced, unfair, or codependent.
• The cheater proves they can be trusted again. This gradual process involves transparency, accountability, and consistency in actions over time.

Forgiveness is a journey that varies for each individual and couple, influenced by the depth of the cheating itself, the relationship, and the efforts made to repair it. 

However, a successful reconciliation after infidelity can lead to a stronger and more resilient partnership, but it demands confronting uncomfortable truths and navigating emotional upheaval in the relationship. 

Summary: Do Cheaters Ever Change?

• Cheating occurs for many different reasons, including a lack of love or sexual intimacy, anger, or neglect
• There are different types of cheaters, including the Exit Strategist, the Opportunist, and the Serial Cheater 
• Cheaters can change if they put the work in. 
• That includes understanding their motivations for change, undertaking self-reflection and personal growth, and seeking support. 
• Cheaters face many challenges, including overcoming guilt, rebuilding trust, and dealing with resentment.
• Forgiving a cheater is possible with genuine remorse, transparency, and a commitment to change.
• Couples can survive infidelity through therapy, rebuilding trust, and reevaluating their relationship dynamics.

Cheaters can change their ways, but it requires a lot of effort, self-reflection, acknowledgment of past mistakes, acceptance of personal growth, and active work toward rebuilding trust in the relationship. 

It might be hard for partners to accept the cheating at first. If it’s not forgivable, then ending a relationship is justified. Some people, though, can rebuild the relationship if they believe their cheating partner can make amends. 

It also depends on your attachment style, which you can learn more about and your partner’s with our free attachment style quiz. You’ll also get a free personalized report that explains everything.

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