The Love Bombing Cycle: What Is It and How to Identify

Love bombing is, unfortunately, a common phenomenon in modern-day relationships.

While it may initially feel like an intense, passionate romance—often a whirlwind romance that feels like ‘true love’—it is usually the first stage of an unhealthy relationship cycle of manipulation, control, and emotional and psychological abuse.

Recognizing this cycle is essential for protecting yourself, maintaining your mental and emotional well-being, and fostering healthy, balanced relationships with the right person.

This guide will help you understand:

• What love bombing is and its four stages
• The difference between genuine love and love bombing
• The warning signs of love bombing
• The relation with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD)
• How to stop love bombing to protect yourself.

Let's start with a detailed definition.

What is the Love Bombing Cycle?

Love bombing is when a person continually “bombs” someone with flattery, compliments, gifts, and affection early in a new relationship.

It is a recognized and repetitive cycle of manipulative behavior that involves intense idealization, followed by devaluation and discard, and finally, hoovering.

The result is trapping individuals in a relationship loop of emotional highs and lows that can escalate into abuse, including emotional and psychological harm and, at its worst, physical violence.

This behavior is often associated with narcissistic traits, as it enables a person (the "love bomber") to establish dominance over their partner.

However, while love bombing is often a calculated tactic used to manipulate and control, it can also be unintentional.

These individuals often may engage in it in an attempt to become closer to their partner, unaware of its harmful dynamics. Some reasons include:

• Codependency: People with codependent tendencies or low self-esteem often attract love bombers because they prioritize others' needs over their own.
• Insecurity: Individuals with enmeshment trauma or those with intense past trauma may display love bombing due to fear of abandonment or a need for validation.
• Attachment Styles: Anxious preoccupied or fearful avoidants have a tendency to be very direct and emotional with their affections early in relationships. This might be misconstrued as love bombing but they just struggle to connect.

Most people don’t see the cycle in front of them because they don't know the four stages of the love bombing cycle.

The Four Love Bombing Cycle Stages

The love bombing cycle has four stages: intense affection, followed by devaluation, discard, and occasionally, hoovering.

Stage One - Idealization

Idealization is the first phase of the cycle; the “love bombing partner” bombards the other person with declarations of love, excessive displays of affection, lavish compliments, gift-giving, and emotional safety. They might also make sweeping statements about the intentions and future of the loving relationship, creating an illusion of them being the ideal partner and relationship.

Real-Life Example: They might say things like, “I’ve never felt this way about anyone before,” after only a few dates. Or buy you an expensive gift just “because”.

How This Might Make You Feel: You feel valued, admired, and attached, and the attention and compliments make you feel special and secure in the relationship. In many ways, you believe that you've truly found the "one" or your “soulmate.”

Stage Two - Devaluing

Once the love bomber has a genuine relationship, they slowly transition into the second phase, known as devaluing. This phase involves the love bomber undermining their partner’s self-esteem, beliefs, and self-worth through withholding love and affection, put-downs, gaslighting, projection, and blaming the partner for all the relationship problems.

Usually, the first signs of controlling behavior appear as they slowly erode the partner’s independence by restricting their freedom to socialize with others.

Real-Life Example: The “love bomber” might start criticizing your appearance or blaming you for their negative behavior while at the same time, restricting your freedom, so you become codependent on them.

How This Might Make You Feel: Your confidence and self-worth slowly erode as you are gaslighted into believing that you must change to keep your partner happy or that you're the problem in the relationship, even when you’re not.

Stage Three - Discarding

As the relationship deteriorates due to the devaluation phase, the love bomber may reach a point where they no longer derive satisfaction from their partner. In response, they “discard” their partner, often without warning or explanation. They either suddenly remove themselves from the relationship (like the silent treatment) or do something that makes the other person leave.

Real-Life Example: They might suddenly block you on all platforms or accuse you of being the problem before walking away, leaving you feeling like you’ve done something wrong.

How This Might Make You Feel: This phase can leave you feeling abandoned, confused, and unworthy. The sudden nature of your partner leaving or withdrawing only reinforces your dependency on them, perpetuating th love bombing cycle.

Stage Four - Hoovering

In this phase, the love bomber may attempt to re-engage with their partner through various manipulative tactics, such as insincere apologies, reaching out on important dates (like anniversaries or birthdays), constant reassurance, desperately needing help, making grandiose promises, or guilt-tripping.

The aim is to lure the partner back into the relationship, exploiting their vulnerabilities and insecurities. If successful, the vicious love bombing cycle repeats, restarting the toxic dynamic.

Real-Life Example: They might send a message on your birthday, saying they miss you and want to make things right, even though their past actions showed no interest in repairing the relationship.

How This Might Make You Feel: Hoovering is often about reasserting control, not genuine remorse or a desire to change. You feel that your partner might change, so believe that the relationship can be saved when in reality, it’s a tactic to suck you back into the toxic cycle.

Genuine Love vs. Love Bombing

It was mentioned above, but it bears repeating; while love bombing is usually associated with narcissistic and love manipulation techniques, there are many examples where it is actually normal.

It might just be a person (most likely a person with either an anxiously preoccupied or fearful-avoidant) who is eager to impress someone or believes they’ve found a good match, so they express their love through praise, attention, and gifts. This naturally becomes “normal” or stops completely once the relationship becomes settled and serious.

It’s important to distinguish between genuine affection and love bombing. Here are some key differences:

Characteristics of Genuine Affection vs. Love Bombing

Genuine Affection:

• Consistent: Affection is steady over time and remains stable as the relationship deepens or becomes stable. Intentional: Your partner's behavior aligns with their words, and they are thoughtful in their actions.
• Respectful boundaries: They give you space to be your own person and do your own things while respecting your needs.
• Gradual: Love and affection grow over time without overwhelming you with constant love bombing.

Love Bombing:

• Intense and Overwhelming: The affection is excessive and feels too fast or like it’s too much for the stage of the relationship.
• Inconsistent: The affection is sporadic, and the person may alternate between extreme affection and emotional withdrawal.
• Manipulative Intent: Your partner might use affection as a way to control you for something else. Pressures for closeness: They may expect you to return their feelings quickly or spend all your time together.

Overall, genuine affection tends to develop naturally, with respect for each other’s boundaries, while love bombing is intense, instant, and unwarranted.

To protect yourself, you must pay attention to how consistent and thoughtful the affection is and whether the feelings are genuine. Recognizing the signs of love bombing is essential to helping you establish this.

10 Signs of Love Bombing

It can be challenging to recognize the red flags, especially if the love bombing comes from a place of insecurity, not just spite and malice.

But the red flags are there, so you can proactively avoid getting roped into a potentially harmful and unstable relationship.

Here are 10 major examples of love bombing:

1. Extreme and Over-the-Top Romantic Gestures

This can include planning and executing huge romantic dates or adventures very early in the relationship.

Example: The love bomber might organize a surprise weekend getaway after just a few weeks of dating, making you feel special but also rushed.

2. Excessive Compliments Too Soon

Too many compliments can seem overwhelming, particularly if they feel inauthentic, unjust, and, well, random. They can come in all directions and include physical, verbal, and emotional compliments.

Example: They constantly tell you how perfect you are—physically, emotionally, and intellectually—despite not knowing you well.

3. Excessive Communication

A few texts a day should be fine, but if there is a bombardment of messages or calls, especially when they contain affection, it could be a sign of love bombing.

Example: You receive multiple texts every hour, saying things like, “I can’t stop thinking about you,” even after just a few days of talking.

4. Overstepping Boundaries

The love bomber may overstep the need for space, alone time, or other activities with friends or family and try to be a constant and consistent presence in your life.

Example: They show up uninvited at your house or events, insisting they miss you and don’t want to be apart.

5. Grandiose Claims About Love and Commitment

Marriage, the kids, the house…all this too soon in a relationship can be an example of love bombing. While there is nothing wrong with being open about desires and plans, it’s another to make it happen tomorrow.

Example: They say, “I can see us getting married and having kids,” within the first month of dating, pressuring you into agreeing.

6. Sharing Affection and Feelings Quickly

A love bomber might feel inclined to dump everything about themselves within the first few dates. And while that’s admirable and honest, it can come off as intense.

Example: On the third date, they confess deep feelings, saying, “I’ve never felt this way about anyone before,” or the classic, “I think I love you".

7. Saying What You Want to Hear

If you notice that a date is saying all the right things but isn’t actually doing all the right things, it could be because they love bombing you. Action matters more than words do.

Example: They tell you, “I’ll always be there for you,” but when you need support, they’re nowhere to be found.

8. Excessive Promises of Doing Things for the Relationship

Someone experiencing genuine love will remain faithful to their words and actions. But love bombers “promise” they’ll do it, but they never actually do it as the relationship goes on.

Example: They promise, “I’ll always support your dreams,” but later fail to show up when it matters, leaving you questioning their commitment.

9. Prying and Being Invasive

There is nothing wrong with getting to know someone, but when it comes intrusive and all-consuming, it can overstep the boundaries of the relationship.

Example: They press you to reveal your deepest fears or secrets within a few dates, pushing boundaries to gain control.

10. Suddenly Becoming Inconsistent in Relationships

If you suddenly notice that your date or partner is no longer putting the effort in or is going, it could be because the bomber is moving on and over you. The key thing to do is not to get involved or chase them up; that’s what they want you to do!

Example: One day, they’re overly affectionate and text nonstop; the next day, they barely respond, making you feel like you’ve done something wrong.

Watch the video to get more details on the signs of love bombing!

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) & Love Bombing

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) can be described as a "mental health condition that affects how you view yourself and relate to others...[and] means you have an excessive need to impress others or feel important. That need can be strong enough to drive harmful behaviors, negatively affecting you and those around you."

Because narcissists see themselves as deserving of love, respect, praise, and constant admiration, they are most likely to engage in love bombing. They want to receive this affection and gain control of the relationship so they can continue receiving it.

However, after the relationship formation, the narcissist gradually reveals their true colors, starting a damaging cycle of emotional abuse, psychological manipulation, and toxicity to take control of the relationship.

This damaging cycle can leave the partner feeling confused, dependent, and trapped. While love bombing may seem genuine at first, it’s often a tactic used by narcissists to create dependency and gain control.

In essence, love bombing can stem from manipulation (narcissism) or insecurity (attachment issues), but it’s important to recognize the behavior and the person behind it to understand the true intentions.

Understanding the narcissist love bombing cycle helps you recognize red flags and take proactive steps to protect your emotional well-being.

The Key Things to Identify & Stop Love Bombing

Now, the best way to overcome anything in life is to prepare for yourself and to be proactive. The same applies here with love bombing.

By identifying the signs, you can stop yourself from entering an unhealthy and unstable relationship. Here are the proactive steps you should take:

Set Boundaries

Action: Keep an eye out if the relationship is moving too fast or quickly before you feel comfortable. Example: If they pressure you for commitment or excessive time together too early, calmly explain that you need time to get to know each other at a comfortable pace. Communicate your comfort level and avoid being pressured into commitments.

Take a Step Back

Action: If you’re getting love-bombed, step back from the relationship so you don’t become too attached. Example: Limit communication for a few days to allow space for reflection. Use this time to assess if the relationship feels balanced and if your emotional needs are being respected.

Maintain Social Circles

Action: Keep in touch with friends and family, and do your regular activities to avoid isolation. Example: Continue seeing your friends or engaging in hobbies you enjoy. Talk openly with trusted loved ones about the relationship to get an outside perspective on what’s happening.

Reach Out to Others for Support

Action: If you’re feeling confused or manipulated, seek guidance from trusted friends, family members, or professionals. With a professional to learn Example: Sometimes, when you’re in a love bombing cycle, you need an outside perspective to help you break it. Schedule regular check-ins with a therapist or a close friend who can provide objective support and help you process your feelings.

Practice Self-Reflection

Action: Alone time can be great for reflecting on your feelings and needs within the relationship and seeing how you, your values, and your life fit into it. Example: Ask yourself if you feel respected, comfortable, and genuinely cared for or if the attention feels overwhelming or controlling.

True love takes time, effort, and patience. Don’t rush into relationships without understanding what you’re running into!

Takeaways of Love Bombing

• Love bombing is when someone overwhelms you with flattery, compliments, gifts, and affection early in a relationship.
• It's often love manipulation techniques that draw you into an unhealthy or abusive relationship.
• There are four stages of the love bombing cycle: idealization, devaluation, discard, and hoovering.
• Not all love bombing is terrible—it can sometimes be mistaken for genuine affection, especially for individuals with an insecure attachment style.
• **Signs of love bombing include over-the-top romantic gestures, excessive compliments, overstepping boundaries, and prying into personal details.
• To protect yourself: Keep an eye out if the relationship is moving too fast, avoid isolating yourself from family and friends, and take a step back when the behavior feels extreme.

Love bombing can be confusing, especially when it feels like intense affection or genuine interest. While it can sometimes come from a place of insecurity or anxious attachment, it’s important to recognize when these behaviors cross the line into manipulation.

By setting clear boundaries, maintaining your independence, and taking time for self-reflection, you can protect yourself from being drawn into this abusive cycle.

Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect, trust, and care, where you can prioritize your emotional well-being and never feel pressured to settle for anything less than what you truly deserve. You are worthy of love that uplifts and respects you.

If you suspect you’re stuck in a love bombing cycle, sign up for our Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse (Webinar Course).

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