The Love Bombing Cycle: What Is It and How to Identify

Love bombing is, unfortunately, a phenomenon in modern-day relationships.

The term is often associated with narcissistic behavior, emotional abuse, love manipulation techniques, and control. It’s imperative to be acutely aware of the love bombing cycle, the stages in which it occurs, and the signs of love bombing.

Understanding this cycle is crucial for recognizing and protecting oneself from toxic relationships.

Here’s what you have to know.

What is the Love Bombing Cycle?

Love bombing is when a person continually “bombs” someone with flattery, compliments, gifts, and affection early in a new relationship.

It looks different from person to person and, at times, can be unintentional or intentional. It can include gift-giving, loving messages and interactions, and over-the-top declarations of love.

Typically, the love-bombed person will be seduced by the love bomber's grand statements of love. The person will then “fall” for the love bomber and start a relationship.

The aim of “love bombing is to create an intense bond between two individuals by flooding one person with positive physical and emotional stimuli [and] often lead to the illusion of an ideal relationship or partner that may not actually exist.”

That’s why it’s recognized to be part of a narcissistic trait to grab the attention of a potential partner from the very beginning, then leading to a possible abuse cycle, which can include emotional abuse, physical violence, and control.

This is what defines the common term “love bombing cycle”.

The Narcissist Love Bombing Cycle

From the perspective of a narcissistic love bombing cycle, it is considered emotional manipulation that typically occurs in the early stages of a relationship when the narcissist is trying to win over their partner.

The cycle generally begins with love bombing, where the narcissist showers their partner with intense, genuine affection, excessive love, and attention to create a strong bond in a ‘whirlwind romance’ with elements of "true love". 

However, after the relationship formation, the narcissist gradually reveals their true colors, starting a damaging cycle of emotional abuse, psychological manipulation, and toxicity to take control of the relationship.

It can happen to anyone, but it’s more common in people with codependency issues, as they tend to attract narcissists.

It must be noted that love bombing can also occur in a place of insecurity, particularly in those with enmeshment trauma, codependency tendencies, or individuals with an insecure attachment style (notably the anxiously preoccupied). So it’s important to recognize the person as much as the stage itself.

Let’s look deeper at each stage of the love bombing cycle.

The Four Love Bombing Cycle Stages

There are four stages of the love bombing cycle: intense affection, followed by devaluation, discard, and potentially hoovering.

Stage One - Love Bombing

Love bombing (also known as idealization) is the first phase of the cycle, where the narcissist (or love-bombing partner) bombards the person with declarations of love, excessive displays of affection, lavish compliments, gift-giving, and emotional safety. 

They might also make sweeping statements about the intentions and future of the loving relationship, creating an illusion of them being the ideal partner and relationship. They are the "perfect partner" or "soulmate". 

This overwhelming display of affection serves to manipulate the partner's emotions, fostering dependency and attachment to the narcissist.

Stage Two - Devaluing

Once the narcissist feels they have secured the person’s affection and loyalty and started a genuine relationship, they slowly transition into the second phase, known as the devaluing stage.

This phase involves the narcissist undermining their partner’s self-esteem, beliefs, and self-worth through withholding love and affection, put-downs, manipulation, gaslighting, projection, and blaming the partner for all the relationship problems. Usually, the first signs of controlling behavior appear as they slowly erode the partner’s self-confidence and independence. In severe cases, it can involve abusive behaviors. 

At this stage, the illusion of the relationship and the “soulmate” starts to break and be emotionally devastating. 

Stage Three - Discarding

As the relationship deteriorates due to the devaluation phase, the narcissist may reach a point where they no longer derive satisfaction from their partner. In response, they “discard” their partner callously, often without warning or explanation. They either suddenly remove themselves from the relationship (like the silent treatment) or do something that makes the other person leave.

The discard phase can be emotionally devastating for the partner, leaving them feeling abandoned, confused, and unworthy.

However, it can also work to the advantage of the narcissist, as the sudden withdrawal of affection and attention further reinforces the partner’s dependency on the narcissist, perpetuating the narcissistic abusive cycle.

This is known as “hoovering”.

Stage Four - Hoovering

If the narcissist still desires to have control of their partner, they enter the hoovering stage.

In this phase, they may attempt to re-engage with their partner through various manipulative tactics, such as insincere apologies, insincere apologies, reaching out on important dates (like anniversaries or birthdays), constant reassurance, desperately needing help, making grandiose promises, or guilt-tripping.

The aim is to lure the partner back into the relationship, exploiting their vulnerabilities and insecurities. If successful, the vicious cycle repeats, restarting the toxic dynamic between the narcissist and their partner.

That’s why it’s crucial if you recognize that you’re in the hoovering phase; you have to end contact so the narcissist will permanently leave you.

Genuine Love vs. Love Bombing

It should be made clear that while love bombing is usually associated with narcissistic and love manipulation techniques, there are actually many examples where it is actually fine.

It might just be a person who is eager to impress someone or believes they’ve found a good match, so they express their love through praise, attention, and gifts. This, however, naturally becomes “normal” or stops completely once the relationship becomes settled and serious. You might notice some red flags when dating an anxiously attached person.

That’s why it’s even more important to recognize the clear examples of love bombing so you know what to expect. That way, you won’t mistake someone being genuinely affectionate versus trying to manipulate you instead.

10 Signs of Love Bombing

Being in a manipulation love bombing cycle, it can be challenging to recognize the red flags (or signs of trouble), especially if the love bombing comes from a place of insecurity, not just spite and malice.

But the red flags are there if you know where to look. That’s why it’s important to identify love bombing before you get roped into a potentially harmful and unstable relationship.

Here are 10 major examples of love bombing:

Extreme and over-the-top romantic gestures: This can include planning and executing extremely large romantic dates or adventures very early in the relationship.

Excessive compliments that come too soon: While this might seem like a fine line, too many compliments can seem overwhelming, particularly if they feel inauthentic, unjust, and, well, random. It can come in all directions and includes physical, verbal, and emotional compliments. People with self-confidence issues though might be swept away with this.

Excessive communication: A few texts a day should be fine, but if there is a bombardment of messages or calls, especially when they contain affection, it could be a sign of love bombing.

Overstepping boundaries: They overstep the need for space, alone time, or other activities with friends or family and try to be a constant and consistent presence in your life.

Grandiose claims about love and commitment: Marriage, the kids, the house…all this too soon in a relationship can be an example of love bombing. While there is nothing wrong with being open about desires and future plans, it’s another to make it happen tomorrow.

Sharing of affection and feelings quite quickly: A love bomber might feel inclined to dump everything about themselves within the first few dates. And while that’s admirable and honest, it can come off as intense. The angle from a love manipulation technique viewpoint is that it lets you into their private world and gains your trust.

Saying what you need or want to hear: If you notice that a date is saying all the right things but isn’t actually doing all the right things, it could be because they’re love bombing you. Action matters more than words do.

Excessive promises of doing stuff for the relationship (usually due to unmet childhood needs): Someone experiencing genuine love will remain faithful to their words and actions. But love bombers just “promise” they’ll do it, but never actually up as the relationship goes on. Too many big promises too early can be a sign of luring people into a relationship.

Prying and being invasive: There is nothing wrong with getting to know someone, but when it comes intrusive and all-consuming, it can overstep the boundaries. It’s especially obvious

Suddenly becoming inconsistent in relationships, alternating between extreme affection and coldness: If you suddenly notice that your date or partner is no longer putting the effort in or is going, it could be because the bomber is moving on and over you. The key thing to do is not to get involved or chase them up; that’s what they want you to do!

Other signs of love bombing include:

• Showering the victim with extravagant gifts and gestures
• Idealization of the partner, portraying them as perfect or soulmates
• Isolating the partner from their friends and family
• Creating a sense of dependency on the narcissist
• Manipulative behavior, such as guilt-tripping or gaslighting
• Rapid escalation of the relationship, moving too quickly without regard for the partner’s comfort or consent

Watch the video to get more details on the signs of love bombing!

The Key Things to Identify & Stop Love Bombing

Identifying love bombing is the best way to protect yourself from entering an unhealthy and unstable relationship. To do that, not only should you keep an eye out for the love bombing examples mentioned above, but to take these proactive steps:

• Set Boundaries: Keep an eye out if the relationship is moving too fast or quickly before you feel comfortable.
• Take a Step Back: If you’re getting love bombed, take a step back from the relationship so you don’t get too attached or hooked in.
• Maintain Social Circles: Do not isolate yourself from the things you like to do or your friends or family. Keep in contact with them as often as possible and talk to them about anything you find suspicious in the relationship.
• Reach Out to Others: Seek support from friends, family, and professionals to help you during this space and separation.

True love takes time, effort, and patience. Don’t rush into relationships without understanding what you’re running into!

Takeaways of Love Bombing

• Love bombing is when a person continually “bombs” someone with flattery, compliments, gifts, and affection early in a new relationship.
• It’s a sign of several love manipulation techniques that draw you into a unhealthy or abusive relationship.
• There are four stages of the love bombing cycle: intense affection, devaluation, discard, and hoovering.
• Not all love bombing is bad; it can be mistaken from genuine affection and those with an anxious attachment style.
• Examples of love bombing can include over-the-top romantic gestures, excessive compliments, overstepping boundaries, and prying and being invasive.
• You can protect yourself from love bombing by keep an eye out if the relationship is moving too fast, not isolating yourself from family or friends, and taking a step back when the love bomber is too extreme

If you suspect you’re stuck in a love bombing cycle, watch this video: How To Break Free of Intermittent Reinforcement & Love Bombing!

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