What is Relationship Anxiety?

Relationship anxiety can be confusing.

Relationship-based anxiety happens when you experience worries or even doubts about the relationship you’re in, and it’s common among those with an anxious attachment style because it’s based on a fear of abandonment.

If you’re experiencing doubts about your relationship, however, you may wonder if these thoughts and feelings are actually a sign that you’re not in love.

Examining these signs can help you figure out the difference.

But first, let's look at what is relationship anxiety.

What is Relationship Anxiety?

Relationship anxiety is a constant worry and nervousness a person feels when they're in a romantic relationship.

It can appear in many different signs and actions, but they are all led by a state of stress. This can become a problem.

While many people have anxiety about romantic relationships, this type of anxiety can quickly lead to fear, distress, and tension, causing issues in the relationships and with yourself.

So, where does relationship anxiety come from?

The Causes of Relationship Anxiety

There are several factors that can contribute to creating relationship anxiety. Here are the most common causes of why someone might feel stressed in a relationship.

• Past relationship traumas where there were trust issues or painful emotions can extend into the next relationship.
• Unresolved personal issues that cause self-doubts, insecurities, lack of boundaries, and fears that bleed into the relationship.
• Low self-esteem can lead you to doubt your worth of receiving love from a partner and second guess yourself.
• Attachment styles have a powerful impact on how we form and make relationships. Anxiously attached (or anxious preoccupied) individuals tend to experience relationship anxiety more than dismissive or fearful avoidants.

That's why recognizing relationship anxiety is the first step to helping you overcome it.

10 Signs That You’re Experiencing Relationship Anxiety

Here are the top signs that you’re experiencing relationship anxiety.

1) You worry about the future of the relationship.

If you tend to have a hard time imagining the future of your relationship or wonder just how committed your partner is to you, you’re probably suffering from relationship anxiety.

This is based on the fact that you have an insecure attachment style, and it doesn’t mean you’re not in love with the person or that there is anything wrong in the relationship. If you have a hard time imagining a future with your partner because you don’t enjoy spending time with them, however, that can be more a sign that you’re not in love. It could also be a sign of a deal-breaker in the relationship if you don't actually like being around them.

2) You overthink everything your partner does

If you regularly find yourself overthinking your partner’s every action, you may be suffering from relationship anxiety. This might include reading into their every mood, analyzing every text they send (or don’t send), and constantly wondering if they’re mad at you.

If this overthinking comes with a true slowdown of communication (on your end as well as theirs) or you feel relieved when they cancel plans, it could mean you’re not in love.

3) You tend to clam up around your partner.

Finding yourself at a loss for words around your partner or constantly worrying that you’re going to say the wrong thing could be a sign of relationship anxiety. You might actually find yourself avoiding them because you don’t want to disappoint them or don’t want them to disappoint you.

If your avoidance comes from a deeper place, like genuinely not wanting to spend time with them, that could be a sign that you’re not in love.

4) You feel like you don’t deserve them.

Feelings of unworthiness are common among people with insecure attachment styles. So when you’re in a relationship with someone, a common feature of relationship anxiety can be feeling like you don’t deserve them. It's actually a very common emotional trigger that occurs in relationships.

However, if you find yourself constantly comparing your partner to others or developing feelings toward other people that inspire guilt, this could be a sign that you’re not in love.

5) You regularly check up on their social media accounts.

When you have relationship anxiety, you may find yourself checking on their social media accounts to see who they’re spending time with when they’re not with you.

Or, if you send a text and don’t get a response right away, you might check their social media accounts to see when they were last online (or if they’re active now) and could be purposely ignoring you. This kind of behavior is typically a sign of relationship anxiety rather than not being in love.

6) You compare your relationship to others’ relationships.

A little comparison from time to time is normal. But if you’re constantly thinking about how others’ relationships are better or stronger than yours—or comparing the behavior of someone else’s partner with your partner—this can be a sign of relationship anxiety.

Remember, real life isn’t always what you see on social. However, if you notice that you feel real jealousy when you look at the relationship of others or even feel jealous of a friend’s partner, this could mean you’re not in love. A relationship checklist can be helpful to assess how your relationship is going.

7) You daydream about other people’s partners.

No one is perfect. But if you’re regularly daydreaming about other people’s partners and thinking that their relationship seems perfect compared to yours, this could be a sign of relationship anxiety, as it’s adopting a “the grass is always greener” mentality.

On the flip side, this can also be a sign that you’re truly unhappy in your relationship and aren’t in love. If that’s the case, it may be worthwhile to do some introspective work to better understand yourself and your relationship. We all deserve true and lasting happiness, so doing the work—even if it feels difficult at times—is absolutely worth it.

8) You regularly need reassurance.

If you constantly need reassurance from your partner that the relationship is heading in the right direction or that they love you, it could be a sign of anxiety.

In a genuine, loving relationship, you shouldn't be constantly needing reassurance from your partner. You would have established trust and honesty, built upon a strong and loving relationship.

9) You are looking for problems in the relationship.

In a healthy and trustworthy relationship, you are not looking for problems in a relationship. Issues arise when things go wrong, or there is bad communication, but you shouldn't go actively looking for issues.

But if you are looking for problems in anything that your partner does, the trust isn’t there, and it might indicate relationship anxiety.

10) You have a fear of abandonment.

A constant fear that one partner will leave you is a clear sign of abandonment issues. The fear they could leave is so debilitating that it causes you to constantly think that you'll be single.

However, that fear of abandonment wouldn't be an issue in a healthy relationship. You would have confidence in your partner that they want to be with you for life.

Now that we know the signs of relationship anxiety let's quickly look at some ways you can overcome it.

How to Cope with Relationship Anxiety

Relationship anxiety can be extremely stressful, so if you know how to handle it, you'll be able to manage it better while building a stronger relationship.

Here are some ways you can manage your relationship anxiety.

• Communicate your feelings and anxiety openly to your partner.
• Embrace the present moment to enjoy the relationship.
• Practice mindfulness to help ease your worries.
• Identify your emotional triggers for why you're anxious.
• Work on changing your insecure attachment style to secure.
• Maintain your own wellbeing and identity, so you're happy with yourself.
• Seek professional help to overcome your past traumas.

While relationship anxiety is common, it’s not something you have to live with. You have the power and opportunity to overcome it to create and maintain a healthy and loving relationship.

If you want to work toward overcoming and managing your anxiety, sign up for our Overcoming Anxiety for Peace of Mind course.

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