PDS Logo, the Tree of Life
PDS Logo, the Tree of LifeClose

Here’s How to Tell the Difference Between Relationship Anxiety and Not Being In Love


Reading time:

4 min


Published on:

Fri Dec 01 2023


Last updated:

Thu Dec 28 2023


Written by:

The Personal Development School

Relationship anxiety can be confusing. Relationship-based anxiety happens when you experience worries or even doubts about the relationship you’re in, and it’s common among those with an anxious attachment style because it’s based on a fear of abandonment.

If you’re experiencing doubts about your relationship, however, you may wonder if these thoughts and feelings are actually a sign that you’re not in love.

Examining these signs can help you figure out the difference.

7 Signs That You’re Experiencing Relationship Anxiety

Here are the top signs that you’re experiencing relationship anxiety.

1) You worry about the future of the relationship.

If you tend to have a hard time imagining the future of your relationship or wonder just how committed your partner is to you, you’re probably suffering from relationship anxiety.

This is based on the fact that you have an insecure attachment style, and it doesn’t mean you’re not in love with the person or that there is anything wrong in the relationship. If you have a hard time imagining a future with your partner because you don’t enjoy spending time with them, however, that can be more a sign that you’re not in love. It could also be a sign of a deal-breaker in the relationship if you don't actually like being around them.

2) You overthink everything your partner does

If you regularly find yourself overthinking your partner’s every action, you may be suffering from relationship anxiety. This might include reading into their every mood, analyzing every text they send (or don’t send), and constantly wondering if they’re mad at you.

If this overthinking comes with a true slowdown of communication (on your end as well as theirs) or you feel relieved when they cancel plans, it could mean you’re not in love.

3) You tend to clam up around your partner.

Finding yourself at a loss for words around your partner or constantly worrying that you’re going to say the wrong thing could be a sign of relationship anxiety. You might actually find yourself avoiding them because you don’t want to disappoint them or don’t want them to disappoint you.

If your avoidance comes from a deeper place, like genuinely not wanting to spend time with them, that could be a sign that you’re not in love.


4) You feel like you don’t deserve them.

Feelings of unworthiness are common among people with insecure attachment styles. So when you’re in a relationship with someone, a common feature of relationship anxiety can be feeling like you don’t deserve them. It's actually a very common emotional trigger that occurs in relationships.

However, if you find yourself constantly comparing your partner to others or developing feelings toward other people that inspire guilt, this could be a sign that you’re not in love.

5) You regularly check up on their social media accounts.

When you have relationship anxiety, you may find yourself checking on their social media accounts to see who they’re spending time with when they’re not with you.

Or, if you send a text and don’t get a response right away, you might check their social media accounts to see when they were last online (or if they’re active now) and could be purposely ignoring you. This kind of behavior is typically a sign of relationship anxiety rather than not being in love.

6) You compare your relationship to others’ relationships.

A little comparison from time to time is normal. But if you’re constantly thinking about how others’ relationships are better or stronger than yours—or comparing the behavior of someone else’s partner with your partner—this can be a sign of relationship anxiety.

Remember, real life isn’t always what you see on social. However, if you notice that you feel real jealousy when you look at the relationship of others or even feel jealous of a friend’s partner, this could mean you’re not in love. A relationship checklist can be helpful to assess how your relationship is going.

7) You daydream about other people’s partners.

No one is perfect. But if you’re regularly daydreaming about other people’s partners and thinking that their relationship seems perfect compared to yours, this could be a sign of relationship anxiety, as it’s adopting a “the grass is always greener” mentality.

On the flip side, this can also be a sign that you’re truly unhappy in your relationship and aren’t in love. If that’s the case, it may be worthwhile to do some introspective work to better understand yourself and your relationship. We all deserve true and lasting happiness, so doing the work—even if it feels difficult at times—is absolutely worth it.

While relationship anxiety is common, it’s not something you have to live with. If you want to work toward developing a more secure attachment style, which can lower anxiety in all areas of your life, check out The Personal Development School’s courses.

Share this Article


Let's stay connected!

Get personal development tips, recommendations, and exciting news every week.

Become a Member

An All-Access Pass gives you even more savings as well as all the relationship and emotional support you need for life.

Mockup of PDS courses on the student dashboard.

Top Articles

1 FEB 2024

Alone Time in a Relationship

Alone time in a relationship is a common desire for most people.

The misconception is that time away from a partner might be a problem. And yes, too much space — physically or emotionally — can caus...

24 JAN 2024

4 Questions to Ask in the Dating Phase to Tell if Your Relationship Will Last

Just started dating someone new?

Has your next date with them already become the best part of your week? Do you catch yourself jumping at any opportunity to mention them in conversations with your f...

18 JAN 2024

Here’s What the Term ‘Core Wounds’ Actually Means—And How to Heal From Them

At The Personal Development School, one term we use all the time as part of integrated attachment theory is “core wounds.” Essentially, unresolved core wounds, which are the result of complex tr...