Types of Ghosting

We’ve all heard of the term “Ghosting”.

It’s become all too familiar in modern relationships and dating. One minute, you’re rapidly texting someone, and then suddenly, they go completely cold. They’ve disappeared — like a ghost!

But what exactly is ghosting in simple — and not spooky — terms?

Ghosting is the “suddenly ending all communication and avoiding contact with another person without any apparent warning or explanation and ignoring any subsequent attempts to communicate.”

Also known as simmering or icing, it can happen after a few dates, months, or even in long-term romantic relationships. Many people have even expressed their fear of being ghosted in friendships and family relationships.

Ghosting can be incredibly painful for the person being left behind as they feel confused about the situation, question their worth and self-esteem, and fear abandonment or betrayal.

Those with anxious preoccupied or fearful avoidant attachment styles can really struggle with it as it triggers their psychological wounds, leaving them obsessed about what was wrong and why.

On the other hand, some dismissive avoidants may be the "ghoster" as it's their way to escape the emotional discomfort of breaking up or ending relationships.

Here’s why uncovering the beliefs and actions behind ghosting is key to moving forward. Understanding why people ghost (and it’s for a variety of reasons) and how it stems from the ghoster’s own unresolved emotional struggles can provide closure, process pain, and handle ghosting in a healthy way.

What Are the Different Types of Ghosting?

Unfortunately, not all ghosting looks the same. There are subtle and extreme forms of ghosting, so it can be difficult to determine what is happening within the relationship.

Here are the different types of ghosting and how they impact relationships:

Ghosting

How It Affects Relationships: The “original” and most extreme form. This sudden disappearance leaves the other person struggling with a lack of closure, triggering anxiety and trust issues in future relationships.

Why People Ghost Completely: Ghosters do this because they fear confrontation or uncomfortable conversations, lack the maturity to communicate their feelings, or have avoidant attachment tendencies.

Soft Ghosting

How It Affects Relationships: A less form of full ghosting, where an individual slowly fades away, so the other person doesn’t realize they did it.

Why People Soft Ghost: A bit of a mix in that they are uncertain about their feelings but are also unwilling to directly reject the person. Once again, they can have avoidant attachment behaviors as they want distance but not abrupt conflict.

Orbiting

How It Affects Relationships: Orbiting is similar to “breadcrumbing” (more on that below), where the ghoster keeps a person engaged on social media, sending mixed signals and false hope, creating uncertainty about any relationship.

Why People Orbit: They enjoy the attention but are driven by a fear they’re closing the door on the relationship and not wanting to commit.

Haunting

How It Affects Relationships: Haunting is when the ghoster doesn’t “end it” but keeps reappearing with random interactions. This leaves the ghosted to question whether they should hold on to the person or let it go.

Why People Haunt: There are many reasons, including feeling guilty about ghosting and wanting to check in, maintaining a level of control, or being lonely and seeking temporary validation.

Zombieing

How It Affects Relationships: Similar to haunting, but with a longer timespan. The ghoster disappears then returns unexpectedly, leaving the other person to revisit and experience emotional old wounds, triggering trauma.

Why People Zombie: The ghoster does this because they either regret their decision or are unaware of the pain they’ve caused. Also, some do it because they lost other dating options and are circling back.

Caspering

How It Affects Relationships: Caspering is a polite way of ghosting (like Casper the Friendly Ghost). But it still has the same effects on the ghosted.

Why People Casper: They think a soft letdown is kinder than full rejection, but they lack the honesty about really expressing their feelings.

Benching

How It Affects Relationships: This is very much a sports term. It’s like keeping someone on the bench — in a state of limbo — in case they are needed as an option. This dynamic fosters unhealthy relationship patterns.

Why People Bench:** They are fearful of being alone, so they want a backup. They could also enjoy the attention but don’t want deeper emotional involvement.

Breadcrumbing

How It Affects Relationships: Breadcrumbing is one of the most emotionally manipulative forms of ghosting. The person receiving breadcrumbs remains stuck in an illusion, believing they are progressing toward a relationship when, in reality, they are being strung along.

Why People Breadcrumb: Breadcrumbers do this as they crave validation and attention and want to keep options without a true commitment. There are also narcissistic or emotionally immature patterns in their actions.

Recognizing these ghosting patterns can help you set boundaries and avoid emotionally draining situations. The key in this period is to understand when you’re being ghosted and what to look out for!

Put on those headphones or earbuds!
Listen to this episode of the Thais Gibson Podcast to learn about Ghosting!

How to Identify If You’re Being Ghosted

Here are some of the key indicators to notice if you're being ghosted:

• Slow or no replies to messages: The most significant indicator is the switch from being constantly responsive and active in messages to slowly nothing at all. If their messages become short and disengaged, the person might be distancing themselves.
• A sudden drop in engagement on social media: This is similar to the messages indicator above but more in terms of a person stopping to like or comment on your posts while remaining active elsewhere.
• Excuses for not making plans: Cancelling plans—things do happen in life—every now and then is fine. But constant cancellations with vague reasons could indicate that the person is pulling away.
• Avoid making plans: They talk about seeing you but never follow through. Or they promise the world they will create the best date or experience ever but never organize it.
• Avoid personal questions: Ghosters can be vague about their goals and deflect questions about their life, emotions, or what they’re looking for in a relationship.
• Lack of emotional investment in conversations: This is a tricky one to determine because it depends on the relationship and person. The noticeable sign is the “change” from engaging conversation/communication to shorter and more direct talk.

It’s crucial to differentiate ghosting from someone simply being busy. As I said, life gets in the way, but there should still be some form of communication.

Ghosting vs. Being Busy

When someone is genuinely busy, they still find ways to nurture the connection, share their availability, and explain their circumstances, showing they value the relationship. Communication is key!.

In simple terms:

Ghosting = They will disappear with no explanation and leave you hanging indefinitely. Busy = They will give clear explanations about why they’re busy, maintain communication, and organize plans.

If you’re unsure, a direct message like “Hey, I noticed you’ve been distant—are you just busy, or has something changed?” to understand their intentions.

And it could also give you an insight into why they ghost!

Why Do People Ghost?

People ghost due to emotional discomfort, communication, conflict issues, or immaturity. Let's take a deeper look at this reason:

• Fear of confrontation: Many people — like those with an avoidant attachment — might fear confrontation. They struggle to express their feelings and try to avoid difficult conversations, preferring to disappear instead.
• Lack of commitment: Some ghost people because they struggle with commitment. Rather than risk being drawn into a relationship or explaining why they don’t want one, they ghost the person.
• Fear of intimacy or vulnerability: Some individuals ghost when they feel emotionally overloaded and don’t know how to process their feelings. They are driven by a fear of being exposed emotionally or intimately.
• Societal and dating culture norms: Sadly, cultural norms have a direct impact on relationships. The abundance and “whatever” mindset created by dating apps can make people treat relationships as disposable.
• Unresolved past trauma: Unresolved wounds from childhood or past relationships can lead to patterns of avoidance and emotional withdrawal. This is very typical in fearful avoidants who have a traumatic past and struggle with relationships.
• Passive manipulation: Many people, particularly love bombers, might use ghosting as a form of manipulation. They engage intensely at first, showing attention and affection, only to pull away suddenly without explanation to keep the person hooked. This creates a situation where the ghosted craves and wants interest from the ghoster.

Regardless of the reason, remember that ghosting often says more about the person’s inability to handle emotions than it does about you. It’s important to know this to learn how to respond and deal with ghosting.

How to Respond and Deal with Ghosting

Being ghosted can be painful. It often triggers feelings of confusion and frustration, making you question your self-worth.

How you choose to respond to this experience can significantly impact the speed of your healing process.

The key is to concentrate on what you can control: your reactions and your recovery. Here are some steps to take to help this process:

Step 1. Don’t Blame Yourself

Many people go for the classic, What did I do wrong? or Was I not good enough? thoughts. But the truth is, ghosting says more about the ghoster than it does about you.

The best part? Their actions just show that they are not the right person for you.

Step 2. Resist Chasing

Don’t fall into the trap of trying to chase the ghoster. Chasing them won’t change their mind or approach.

The best way to handle this is to cut all communication ties with them so they can’t bother you again.

Step 3. Give Yourself Closure

The hardest part of ghosting is the lack of explanation, aka closure. So, how do you combat this?

Acknowledge your feelings about the situation and list down the — for lack of a better word — negatives of the person or relationship. That way, you can see what the relationship truly was like, and you don't have any reservations about it.

Step 4. Engage in Self-Care

Shift your focus back to you by engaging in activities that make you feel confident, grounded, and happy.

This could be exercising, socializing with friends, joining a new community group, or taking up a new hobby.

By prioritizing things that reinforce your self-worth, it puts you in a positive growth mindset about yourself and future relationships.

Step 5. Lean on Support

Sharing your experience with trusted friends, family, or even professions helps you process the pain and gain perspective.

Most importantly, opening up to others shows that people do care about you, and it's the ghoster who missed out!

How to Protect Yourself from Being Ghosted

Being proactive might be the best way to avoid being ghosted. Here are some ways you can do that just that:

Build Stronger Boundaries

Try not to over-invest in any relationship too soon. Take it slowly and avoid giving too much of yourself—time, energy, or emotions — into the relationship.

Recognize the Red Flags

We gave you the list above on what to notice so you can stop ghosting before it happens.

Keep an eye on irregular and unbalanced communication and the lack of planning or commitment from the person.

Establish Clear Communication Expectations

The more honest and direct you are about your communication patterns — some would say love languages — the easier it will be to see if the person is committed to you or not.

And if they don't respect your needs or expectations, then you can know it's time to step back from the relationship.

Focus on Your Self-Worth

Do things that make you feel like you!

Stay engaged in your hobbies, friendships, and personal growth, and remind yourself that your value isn’t based on their attention. It's based on what you believe and value in yourself.

Develop a Secure Attachment Style

Becoming securely attached means being confident in yourself, your communication patterns, and your beliefs about love and relationships. You’re also strong and tough on handling setbacks with a strong growth mindset.

We here at The Personal Development School can help you achieve this transformation by healing past insecure attachment styles, practicing emotional regulation, and cultivating secure patterns.

The first step to developing a secure style is to understand your current attachment style! Check out the box below!

Discover Your Attachment Style
Take our FREE 5-minute quiz to discover your attachment styles and the steps you need to take to become secure!

Takeaways About Ghosting

• Ghosting is the suddenly end of all communication and contact with another person without any apparent warning or reason.
• There are different types of ghosting, including Haunting, Soft Ghosting, Benching, and Breadcrumbing.
• Signs of ghosting include slow or no replies to messages, excuses for not making plans, and lack of emotional engagment.
• The difference ghosting and being "busy" is that busy people will give clear explanations about why they’re busy, maintain communication, and organize plans.
• People ghosted because of a fear of confrontation, lack of commitment and a fear of intimacy.
• If you are ghosted, don't blame yourself, resist chasing the ghoster, and give yourself closure.
• You can avoid being ghosted by building strong boundaries, recognizing red flags, and development a secure attachment style.

If you are finding dating difficult -- with or without dealing with ghosting -- consider our How To Master The Dating Stage of Relationships Program.

You'll learn about the "Rules", red flags, preferences, standards and non-negotiables, and much more.

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