What Is Stonewalling? Why & How Avoidant Attachment Styles Shut Down in Relationships

You’re trying to talk things through with your partner. The conversation starts tense but civil—until suddenly, they go quiet. Their eyes glaze over, they look away, and their body language goes still. You ask what’s wrong, but there’s no response. You can feel the wall go up.

That’s stonewalling, one of the most frustrating and confusing behaviors in relationships. It’s a pattern where one partner emotionally or physically withdraws during conflict, leaving the other feeling shut out and unseen.

In this guide, we’ll explore what stonewalling is, how it shows up through Dismissive Avoidant and Fearful Avoidant attachment styles, and how to respond when it happens—without losing yourself or your connection in the process.

What Is Stonewalling?

Psychologist Dr. John Gottman identified stonewalling as one of his famous “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” in relationships—behaviors that can predict separation or divorce if left unaddressed. This behavior occurs when someone shuts down during an interaction because they feel overwhelmed or emotionally flooded.

In general, when a person stonewalls, they might:

• Tune out or stop responding entirely
• Avoid eye contact
• Cross their arms or turn away
• Use distraction to escape the moment (checking their phone, walking off, busying themselves)

While it can look cold or calculated, stonewalling is often a form of self-protection, not punishment. For avoidantly attached individuals, especially, shutting down can feel like the only way to survive emotional intensity.

Signs of Stonewalling in Relationships

Stonewalling doesn’t always look obvious. Here are some subtle and overt signs that show up in relationships:

• Sudden silence during important conversations
• Short, detached responses like “fine” or “whatever”
• Physical withdrawal, such as leaving the room or turning away
• Avoiding eye contact or appearing emotionally flat
• Changing the subject when emotions arise
• Appearing busy or “too tired” whenever a conflict starts
• Prolonged shutdowns, lasting hours or days

These behaviors signal that the person’s nervous system is overwhelmed—their body enters fight, flight, or freeze mode, cutting off emotional access. The problem?

While it may calm one person, it deeply wounds the other, especially Anxious Preoccupied partners who rely on verbal reassurance and connection.

Why Avoidants Stonewall

For many avoidantly attached people, stonewalling is not a manipulative tactic—it’s a learned defense mechanism.

Growing up, avoidants often experienced emotional neglect or inconsistency, where vulnerability wasn’t safe or needs weren’t met. Over time, they learned that disconnecting equals safety. When conflict arises in adulthood, their brain reactivates that old program: “If I shut down, I’ll stay safe.”

For Dismissive Avoidants, emotional distance feels like control. They may value independence so deeply that emotional confrontation triggers panic. For Fearful Avoidants, closeness itself feels both comforting and threatening—they crave intimacy but fear rejection or being hurt.

So when tension builds, both types may stonewall as a way to manage fear, not to hurt their partner.

How Stonewalling Manifests for Avoidants

Dismissive Avoidant

Dismissive Avoidant partners often stonewall to protect autonomy. Emotional intensity can register as “too much,” and engaging may feel like a fast track to conflict or rejection. In practice, they might:

• Say “I don’t want to talk about this right now” and leave
• Appear calm on the surface while feeling internally flooded
• Distract themselves with work, TV, or tasks
• Downplay a partner’s feelings as “overreacting”

Their pattern makes sense when you understand what a dismissive avoidant attachment style actually is, and those core tendencies, such as avoiding emotional vulnerability, prioritizing independence over connection, and minimizing their own (and others’) needs for closeness.

These behaviors often develop as protective strategies in early life, where self-reliance felt safer than depending on others.

Fearful Avoidant

Fearful Avoidants tend to have a more chaotic relationship with stonewalling. They often swing between closeness and withdrawal—seeking reassurance one moment, then shutting down the next. Their internal dialogue sounds like: “I want to feel close to you… but I can’t trust that you won’t hurt me.”

Signs of stonewalling for an Fearful Avoidant include:

• Going silent after expressing deep emotion
• Suddenly acting distant after moments of vulnerability
• Avoiding follow-up conversations after conflict
• Becoming defensive or changing topics when emotions run high

This push-pull pattern often traces back to early experiences of inconsistent care—where love felt both comforting and unsafe.

As adults, Fearful Avoidants crave deep emotional connection but struggle to trust it will last. Understanding why fearful avoidants keep attracting chaos into their lives, and exploring their core traits, helps explain how this attachment style uses stonewalling as a way to manage overwhelming vulnerability while still longing for closeness.

Are You A Dismissive or Fearful Avoidant?
Which avoidant patterns do you have? Or do learn anxiously attached or secure? Take our free Attachment Style Quiz to learn more about your attachment style!

Fearful Avoidant vs. Dismissive Avoidant Stonewalling

While both Fearful Avoidant and Dismissive Avoidant partners may stonewall, the reasons behind it—and what happens afterward—are often quite different.

Fearful Avoidants tends to shut down when closeness triggers fear of rejection, while DIsmissive Avoidants withdraws to preserve a sense of control and independence.

Understanding the differences between Fearful Avoidant and Dismissive Avoidant can help you respond with more empathy and recognize what kind of emotional safety each style needs during conflict.

Here’s how stonewalling typically looks for each attachment type:

Aspect	Fearful Avoidant	Dismissive Avoidant
Core Fear	Rejection or abandonment	Loss of control or independence
Emotional Trigger	Intimacy followed by perceived rejection	Emotional demand or confrontation
Stonewalling Behavior	Emotional whiplash: closeness then silence	Emotional flatness: detachment, shutdown
Internal Belief	“If I open up, I’ll get hurt.”	“If I open up, I’ll lose myself.”
Repair Style	Wants reconnection and reassurance it will last	Prefers logical problem-solving and space
Growth Focus	Learning trust and vulnerability	Learning empathy and emotional attunement

Recognizing these distinctions isn’t about labeling one style as “better” or “worse.” It’s about understanding that both patterns stem from fear—just expressed in opposite directions. The Fearful Avoidant shuts down to protect against rejection, while the Dismissive Avoidant withdraws to protect independence.

When partners can identify which fear is driving the behavior, they can begin creating the specific kind of safety each style needs—reassurance and consistency for the fearful, space and nonjudgmental communication for the dismissive.

With awareness and empathy, stonewalling becomes less of a wall and more of a signal that healing and emotional growth are possible.

The Impact of Stonewalling on Partners

On Anxiously Attached Partners

Stonewalling can feel like abandonment to someone with an Anxious Preoccupied attachment style. The sudden silence activates panic: “Did I do something wrong? Are they leaving me?” This often leads to protest behaviors—texting repeatedly, overexplaining, or escalating emotionally to get a response.

Over time, this creates a pursue-withdraw cycle: the more one partner shuts down, the more the other chases connection, and both end up feeling unheard.

On Securely Attached Partners

Securely attached partners might initially interpret stonewalling as a signal for space, but chronic withdrawal erodes trust. Over time, even secure partners begin to feel rejected or emotionally lonely. Their instinct is to repair—but only if both partners are willing to communicate and take accountability.

On Other Avoidants

When two avoidants stonewall each other, the relationship may go quiet for long stretches, with both assuming distance equals peace. But underneath, unresolved emotions fester. What looks like calm can actually be emotional disconnection—a dynamic that stunts intimacy and long-term growth.

Stonewalling vs. Silent Treatment

While both involve withdrawal, the intent and emotional mechanism are different.

Aspect	Stonewalling	Silent Treatment
Definition	An involuntary shutdown caused by emotional overwhelm	A deliberate refusal to communicate as punishment
Duration	Often short-term (minutes to hours)	Can last days or weeks
Motivation	Self-protection or emotional flooding	Control, manipulation, or resentment
Awareness	Usually unconscious	Conscious and intentional
Emotional Goal	To regain equilibrium	To assert power or superiority

Many partners confuse the two. Stonewalling is more common in avoidant or emotionally overwhelmed individuals, while the silent treatment tends to align with controlling or narcissistic dynamics.

Even if it doesn’t come from a place of manipulation, stonewalling can damage relationships all the same.

Why Stonewalling Feels So Painful

When someone you love disconnects, your brain perceives it as a threat. Studies show that emotional rejection activates the same neural pathways as physical pain.

For anxiously attached individuals, the impact can be even greater—they may feel frantic, desperate, or ashamed for “caring too much.”

Meanwhile, for the avoidant, the silence feels like safety. Their nervous system is calming down. But because they rarely communicate this, their partner interprets it as disinterest.

This emotional mismatch fuels resentment and misunderstanding. Over time, it can lead to a sense of walking on eggshells—where one person fears saying the wrong thing, and the other fears being overwhelmed.

Watch This to Learn How to Talk To An Avoidant When They're Stonewalling

In this video I talk about how to communicate with the Dismissive avoidant or Fearful avoidant when they are stonewalling.

How to Respond to Stonewalling

Learning how to navigate stonewalling starts with understanding that it’s not personal—it’s a nervous system in distress.

1. Pause the Conversation

The best initial move is to stop the conflict when flooding occurs. Instead of pushing through, say something like: “Let’s take a break for 20 minutes so we can both calm down and come back clear.” This physiological reset is essential for productive dialogue.

2. Agree on a Return Time

Breaks should have a clear reconnection plan—otherwise, they can look like avoidance. “Let’s pause for half an hour and come back at 7:00” helps anxious partners feel secure and gives avoidant partners structure.

3. Self-Soothe During the Break

Use mindfulness, grounding, or journaling. The goal is not to rehearse arguments but to lower emotional arousal. Try visualizing a calm place or practicing deep, rhythmic breathing.

4. Validate, Don’t Attack

When you resume, begin gently: “I care about you, and I noticed we both got overwhelmed earlier.” Validation helps reopen emotional safety without triggering defensiveness.

5. Use “I” Language

Replace accusations (“You always shut down!”) with self-awareness (“I feel disconnected when we stop talking suddenly”). This keeps the conversation emotionally safe.

6. Focus on Repair, Not Blame

Stonewalling is a symptom, not the root problem. Healing attachment trauma requires addressing the underlying fears and unmet needs—not proving who’s right.

When You’re the One Stonewalling

If you recognize this behavior in yourself, don’t panic—it’s a learned response, and it can be unlearned.

Start with self-awareness:

• Notice your triggers. What topics, tones, or emotions make you shut down?
• Communicate early: “I want to talk about this, but I’m feeling overwhelmed. Can we pause?”
• Reconnect with your body. Grounding techniques or gentle movement help you stay present.
• Practice emotional language: name sensations (“I feel tense”) rather than judgments (“You’re too emotional”).

Avoidants often fear that vulnerability means losing control—but real security comes from connection without collapse. Emotional regulation is the bridge.

Long-Term Healing & Building Safety After Stonewalling

Recovery doesn’t end with “I’m sorry.” Rebuilding trust after stonewalling means creating a shared roadmap for next time:

• Establish a calm-down plan together (hand signals, safe words, or agreed break times).
• Set boundaries around when to revisit the topic.
• Express appreciation after reconnection (“Thanks for staying with me through that”).
• Create positive experiences that reinforce connection outside of conflict.

Relationships that repair after stonewalling can become stronger than before—because both partners learn to regulate, communicate, and stay emotionally accountable.

Avoidants can absolutely learn to connect without shutting down. It begins with reprogramming their internal associations around intimacy.

1. Acknowledge the pattern: Notice when you start to withdraw. 2. Name the fear beneath it: “I’m scared of saying the wrong thing” or “I feel overwhelmed.” 3. Learn to co-regulate: Let your partner know what helps—silence, physical touch, time. 4. Develop emotional literacy: Practice expressing needs in real time rather than suppressing them. 5. Rebuild trust in safety: Each time you stay present, your brain rewires away from fear.

Final Thoughts

Stonewalling doesn’t mean a relationship is doomed. It’s a signal—one that points to emotional overwhelm, unhealed attachment wounds, and a need for safety.

• For Dismissive Avoidants, the work is learning to stay open even when it feels uncomfortable.
• For Fearful Avoidants, it’s learning to trust that closeness doesn’t always lead to pain.
• For their partners, it’s about responding with compassion and boundaries instead of panic or pursuit.

Understanding that stonewalling stems from fear, not indifference, changes everything. When both partners commit to awareness, regulation, and repair, even the strongest walls can come down.

Ready to Replace Walls with Calm Communication?
If you’re ready to stop cycling between distance and closeness, the Emotional Mastery Course will help you regulate your emotions, recognize early signs of overwhelm, and return to conversations with clarity. You’ll learn how to stay grounded, rebuild trust, and create relationships that feel calm, consistent, and safe — for both of you.

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