How to Know if You Have a Crush (Or if its Limerence)

You’ve probably had that dizzy, can’t-stop-thinking-about-them feeling before. Maybe you met someone new, and now you find yourself daydreaming about what it would be like to hold their hand, hear their voice again, or build a future together.

That kind of spark can be exciting—it’s what makes love stories so magnetic.

But sometimes, what feels like a simple crush can evolve into something much deeper, more consuming, and even painful.

If you’re thinking about someone constantly, replaying every text, or imagining an entire relationship that hasn’t happened yet, you might not just have a crush.

You might be experiencing limerence—a state of obsessive infatuation that feels like love but actually comes from unmet emotional needs.

Understanding the difference between a healthy crush and limerence helps you stay grounded, emotionally balanced, and available for a real, secure connection. Here's what you need to know!

What Is Considered a “Crush”?

A crush is a temporary, lighthearted attraction to someone you admire or find appealing. It might be romantic or purely emotional—but it doesn’t take over your life.

A crush often sparks curiosity. You might think about the person occasionally, feel a flutter when you see them, or imagine getting to know them better.

But your sense of self stays intact.

You can still focus on your goals, friends, and routines without feeling emotionally dependent on how this person responds to you.

Healthy crushes can even help you learn what you value in others and explore your emotional world in a safe, playful way. They’re balanced, not all-consuming.

How a Crush Impacts You

While limerence tends to pull you away from yourself, a crush can bring you closer to who you are.

A healthy crush often acts like a mirror—it reflects what excites, inspires, or attracts you in another person. That spark gives you valuable information about your own emotional and relational growth.

Here’s how a crush can positively impact you:

• It increases self-awareness. You start to notice what you find appealing—kindness, humor, ambition, creativity—and that can help you understand your values.
• It awakens curiosity, not obsession. You feel energized and inspired, but not consumed.
• It motivates self-improvement. Sometimes, liking someone encourages you to grow, take more care of yourself, or explore new interests.
• It helps you practice vulnerability. Crushes allow you to dip your toes into connection without full emotional exposure.
• It reinforces individuality. Because a crush is temporary and low-stakes, you can experience attraction without losing your independence or self-trust.

In short, a crush adds lightness to your emotional world—it reminds you that connection can feel exciting and safe at the same time.

What Is Limerence?

Limerence is a state of obsessive infatuation, first identified by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in 1979. It’s when your brain and emotions become fixated on another person—often someone who may not even return your feelings.

According to the Cleveland Clinic, people in limerence experience intrusive, obsessive thoughts about another person, emotional highs and lows, and difficulty focusing on other areas of life.

The 4 stages of limerence can feel like love on overdrive. But unlike a crush, it’s rooted in deep psychological patterns—often tied to unmet childhood needs, insecure attachment, and a longing to feel seen or worthy.

While both a crush and limerence can make your heart race, the emotional experience—and the way it impacts your life—are completely different.

The Differences Between a Crush and Limerence

Feature	Crush	Limerence
Focus	Balanced interest; you think about the person, but they’re one part of your day.	Obsessive focus; thoughts about them dominate your mind from morning to night.
Emotional Intensity	Light, curious, often fun.	Extreme highs and lows depending on their response or attention.
Reality vs. Fantasy	You see the person as human, with strengths and flaws.	You idealize them, ignoring red flags or reality.
Control	You feel in charge of your emotions.	Your mood depends entirely on their actions or attention.
Reciprocity	You’re interested in a mutual connection.	You crave their validation even if they’re not emotionally available.
Impact on Life	You can still focus on work, friends, and goals.	You lose focus, feel distracted, and may abandon priorities.
Duration	Usually fades if not reciprocated.	It can last months or years, even without real contact.
Attachment Style Link	Common in secure or mildly anxious individuals.	Strongly linked to Anxious Preoccupied or Fearful Avoidant attachment styles.

The Psychology Behind Limerence

While a crush comes from attraction, limerence comes from deprivation—a deep desire to have unmet emotional needs fulfilled through another person.

This means Limerence isn’t random—it’s your subconscious mind trying to meet old emotional needs through new people. Limerence often represents two things: deeply unmet needs and repressed traits that your subconscious is trying to integrate.

For example, you might feel drawn to someone because:

• They make you feel seen when you’ve long felt invisible.
• They express confidence or assertiveness—traits you’ve struggled to own yourself.
• They show care or attention that mirrors what you always longed for growing up.

When this happens, your brain floods with dopamine and oxytocin, creating a chemical “high.” But because the connection is based on fantasy rather than reality, it quickly becomes addictive.

According to the British Psychological Society, people in limerence often describe it as an “emotional addiction” that overrides rational thought—similar to the brain’s response to drugs.

That’s why it can feel impossible to “turn off” your feelings, even when you know the relationship isn’t real or healthy.

Limerence and Attachment Styles

Your attachment style often determines how limerence shows up:

• Anxious Preoccupied: You crave closeness and validation, which makes you vulnerable to limerence when someone gives you attention.
• Dismissive Avoidant: You might experience limerence for people who are emotionally unavailable—it feels safe because it doesn’t require real vulnerability.
• Fearful Avoidant: You swing between longing and withdrawal, making limerence intense but short-lived.
• Securely Attached: You may feel a strong attraction, but it doesn’t take over your life. You maintain balance and self-trust.

Is Your Attachment Style Affecting Your Love Life?
Discover if your attachment style with our free 5-minute Attachment Style Quiz. You'll get a personalized with the answers and steps you need to know!

Why Limerence Happens

From a subconscious perspective, limerence usually appears when:

1. Your Needs Aren’t Being Met

If you grew up feeling unseen, unheard, or unimportant, your brain becomes wired to seek people who offer the illusion of meeting those needs. Someone who makes you feel validated or safe can trigger a powerful emotional imprint that feels like destiny—but it’s really familiarity mixed with relief.

Different attachment styles tend to carry unique unmet needs:

• Dismissive Avoidant: Freedom to be themselves, emotional safety, acceptance without pressure.
• Fearful Avoidant: Stability, reassurance, and empathy after inconsistency or chaos in early life.
• Anxious Preoccupied: Safety, reassurance, consistent affection.

When those needs go unmet, your subconscious looks for partners who seem to meet them—but often, those people replicate the same dynamics that caused the pain in the first place.

2. You’re Attracted to Repressed Traits

Sometimes, you’re drawn to qualities you haven’t yet developed in yourself. For example, you might idealize someone’s confidence because you secretly long to feel that way. When you integrate those traits within yourself, the intensity of your attraction usually fades.

This dynamic shows up clearly in anxious-avoidant relationships—where one person chases closeness (the anxious partner) while the other avoids it (the avoidant partner). Each person is drawn to the very qualities they’ve disowned in themselves.

The anxious partner admires the avoidant’s independence, while the avoidant craves the anxious partner’s emotional warmth. But until each person reclaims those traits internally—learning self-soothing for the anxious and emotional openness for the avoidant—the relationship stays stuck in a push-pull cycle.

3. You’re Looking for Safety in Uncertainty

Ironically, people with insecure attachment styles often equate emotional chaos with love. If you grew up in unpredictable environments, steady affection may feel boring, while limerence feels “alive.”

How Limerence Affects You

Limerence might feel exciting at first—but it quickly becomes emotionally draining. You may notice:

• Difficulty concentrating at work or school.
• Anxiety when they don’t text back.
• Constant rumination or fantasizing.
• Neglecting other relationships.
• Emotional crashes when they pull away.

In essence, limerence pulls your focus away from yourself and onto someone else. You stop meeting your own needs, and your self-esteem starts depending on how this person perceives you.

When you’re in limerence, you’re not really in love with the person—you’re in love with the way they make you feel.

When Limerence Shows Up in Relationships

Limerence doesn’t only happen with unavailable crushes. You can experience it inside relationships too—especially when one partner starts to feel emotionally deprived or unseen.

For example, you might be in a long-term relationship that feels routine or disconnected. Then, someone new shows you attention, and suddenly your brain lights up. It’s not about the new person—it’s about the needs that have gone unmet for too long.

Recognizing that helps you take your power back. Instead of chasing fantasy, you can:

• Communicate what you need more clearly in your relationship.
• Rebuild emotional connection and novelty with your partner.
• Reinvest in your own sense of purpose, creativity, and confidence.

That’s how you transform limerence into growth instead of guilt. When you shift from fantasy to self-awareness, your definition of love begins to change. The next step is learning how to recognize when that feeling is genuine connection—and not limerence in disguise.

This video dives into how your unmet needs in childhood can impact and influence your dating patterns in adulthood, especially when it comes to limerence and infatuation.

How to Beat Limerence

Healing from limerence isn’t just about detaching—it’s about learning what healthy love actually feels like. That means you can’t think your way out of limerence—but you can reprogram it. The key is learning to meet your own unmet needs and reintegrate the parts of yourself you’ve idealized in others.

Here’s how to start:

Step	What to Do	Why It Works
1. Identify the Pattern	Notice who you tend to feel limerent toward. Are they emotionally unavailable, confident, or distant?	Awareness helps you recognize that your “type” is often a reflection of unmet needs.
2. Uncover the Need	Ask, “What do I imagine this person gives me?” (Validation? Attention? Safety?)	Your subconscious uses people to fill needs you’re not meeting yourself.
3. Meet the Need Internally	Journal, meditate, and practice self-soothing. Give yourself what you’re seeking externally.	When you meet your own needs, dependency on others lessens.
4. Integrate the Trait	If you admire their confidence or independence, work on embodying it in your own life.	You stop idealizing others once you reclaim those traits within yourself.
5. Reduce Fantasy and Contact	Limit social media stalking, texting, or replaying scenarios in your head.	This breaks the “reward cycle” that fuels emotional addiction.
6. Ground in Reality	Notice their flaws, limitations, and incompatibilities.	Seeing people clearly helps you detach from idealization.
7. Build Secure Attachment	Learn how to regulate emotions, set boundaries, and communicate needs.	Secure attachment reduces the pull of limerence.

How to Tell If It’s Limerence or Love

Love and limerence can look similar at first—but they grow in opposite directions. Real love deepens over time, while limerence burns bright and fast before collapsing.

Aspect	Limerence	Love
Foundation	Fantasy and projection.	Mutual understanding and shared values.
Duration	Short-lived and unstable.	Strengthens with time and vulnerability.
Motivation	To feel worthy or desired.	To share, grow, and connect authentically.
Control	You feel in charge of your emotions.	Your mood depends entirely on their actions or attention.
Communication	Fearful, overanalyzing, or indirect.	Honest, clear, and compassionate.
Emotional State	Anxiety, uncertainty, and obsession.	Calm, secure, and balanced.

Ready to Build Real Love?

A crush is fun. It’s light, playful, and rooted in curiosity.

Limerence, on the other hand, is powerful—but it’s also a mirror. It shows you the places within that are still longing for attention, care, and healing.

Real love requires emotional visibility—the ability to be seen, heard, and accepted, not just idealized. It’s not about escaping your loneliness; it’s about learning to feel at home with yourself first, so you can connect from a place of wholeness, not hunger.

When you meet those needs yourself, you free your heart from obsession. You stop chasing fantasy and start creating love that feels safe, steady, and real.

Because love isn’t meant to feel like addiction—it’s meant to feel like peace.

Ready to Break the Limerence Loop?
If you’re tired of chasing fantasy and craving real emotional peace, the Master Your Emotions & Subconscious Course will help you break free from limerence for good. You’ll learn how to calm obsessive thoughts, reprogram the subconscious patterns that drive infatuation, and meet your own needs from within—so you can experience love that feels grounded, mutual, and secure.

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