How Narcissists and Codependents Create Toxic Relationships

Are you stuck in a cycle where you feel like you're always giving, yet you're never truly seen or appreciated?

You could be stuck in a toxic narcissist-codependent relationship.

It’s a dysfunctional relationship that develops more than people expect; one that is harmful and destructive because the “codependent” is trapped in a cycle of manipulation, charm, and confusion, unsure how to escape it.

Narcissists create codependency in relationships to have a sense of control, make it all about them, and take advantage of the codependent’s commitment and love for them.

If you’re the codependent, you would give endlessly in the hopes that your love will be enough, but it never is. Worse, you might not know that you’re even stuck in this relationship, and don’t know how to escape it.

So why do codependents attract narcissists? What’s the correlation between codependency and narcissism? How can you spot the warning signs? And most importantly, how do you protect yourself or break free?

In this article, we’ll break down:

• What is Codependency?
• What Is a Narcissist and is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
• Why Narcissists and Codependents Attract Each Other
• Real-Life Examples of This Dynamic in Families, Romance, and Work
• Signs a Narcissist Is Creating Codependency in Your Relationship
• Codependents, Narcissists & The Drama Triangle
• How to Overcome the Codependent–Narcissist Relationship
• Takeaways on Narcissist and Codependent Relationships

What is Codependency?

Codependency is an unhealthy reliance on another person, becoming "dependent" on them to live one's life. That dependency involves mental, physical, and emotional connections and support.

The result is that you end up sacrificing your own needs to keep the relationship stable, creating an unhealthy and damaging cycle. However, the proper steps to end codependency can break this pattern.

And that first step to overcoming any form of codependency is to recognize the common signs:

• Constantly seeking approval from others
• Basing your self-worth on your partner’s opinion
• Avoiding conflict and taking the blame to keep the peace
• Obsessing over your partner’s actions or moods
• Basing your life on your partner’s moods or habits
• Feeling guilty for prioritizing your own needs
• Putting your personal and emotional needs second
• Fear of rejection and abandonment
• Attracted to people who need fixing
• Believing you’re unworthy of self-love, self-compassion, and self-empowerment

But codependency rarely exists alone — it often pairs with narcissism. So, what exactly is narcissism, and why are these two patterns so connected?

What is a Narcissist?

You might have met a narcissistic person in the past because they tend to “be all about themselves”. After all, that’s their innate personality trait.

The thing is, you don’t realize their narcissism at first; they’re charming and lure you in with their confidence and charisma.

But as the relationship progresses, they use manipulation techniques to gain control of the relationship in a codependent-narcissist dynamic. There are two distinct traits of narcissism:

Traits of Overt Narcissists

• Grandiose self-image: They see themselves as highly important, with grandiose ideas or visions of themselves.
• Loud need for attention and admiration: They want plenty of attention and want people to admire them
• Arrogant or entitled behavior: Expect others to cater to their demands and needs.
• Openly demanding special treatment: They have a constant need to expect special treatment or recognition
• Display a lack of empathy: They have a lack of empathy or care for others, and make it obviously clear.

Traits of Covert Narcissists

• Quiet superiority: They believe they are better than others but disguise it well enough that you don't know it.
• Charming and cunning: They use charm or flattery to control others and maintain their superiority over others.
• Passive-aggressive behavior: They avoid direct confrontation but manipulate through subtle digs.
• Playing the victim: They guilt-trip others to get sympathy and twist the narrative to make it about them.
• Subtle manipulation and emotional guilt trips: They use manipulative behavior and tactics so they remain in control of others.

While these traits are subtle, they can develop into more severe and extreme variations. In these cases, this type of narcissism can be diagnosed as Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

 

What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a mental health condition that affects a person’s identity, how they treat themselves and others, and how they view their self-esteem and confidence.

People with NPD often have fragile self-esteem issues, which they mask by being arrogant or superior. They will go out of their way to manipulate and exploit others to maintain that confident and superior self-image.

In these scenarios, they end up struggling with romantic or family relationships due to their inability to empathize with others' emotions.

So, what causes narcissistic personality disorder?

It's a very complex question to answer, but it lies in the same field of codependency.

Individuals who are codependent and narcissists (or those with NPD) have very different tendencies and personalities. Still, they are very similar in terms of where their beliefs and traits come from.

Why Narcissists and Codependents Attract Each Other

At first, narcissists and codependents seem like the perfect match.

Then the connection begins to spiral into manipulation and emotional pain, upending the cycle of the relationship.

The attraction between codependents and narcissists is like a perfect storm, where each individual's vulnerabilities and needs reinforce the other's dysfunctional tendencies.

Why Codependents Are Attracted to Narcissists

• Familiarity: If you grew up with your needs neglected, you may feel a sense of familiarity and comfort in relationships where you are needed to fulfill someone else's needs.
• Desire for validation: If you're codependent, you would seek external validation to validate your self-worth, and narcissists often provide this validation, even though it’s manipulated
• Rescue fantasies: You may have a strong desire to rescue or fix others, believing that by doing so, you can earn love and acceptance. Narcissists present a challenge for you to overcome.
• Fear of abandonment: Due to your fear of rejection and abandonment (particularly if you're anxiously preoccupied), you may cling to relationships, even if they are unhealthy or abusive, in the hope of salvaging them.

Why Narcissists Seek Out Codependents

• Need for admiration: Narcissists thrive on constant admiration and validation, and if you're a codependent, with your people-pleasing patterns, are willing to provide the constant praise and attention the narcissist craves.
• Sense of control: When you struggle with setting boundaries or asserting yourself, it makes you an easy target for manipulation and control. Narcissists love the power dynamics of such relationships, as they take advantage of the codependent's willingness to prioritize their needs.
• Ego-boosting: Your devotion and willingness to sacrifice yourself for the relationship serve as a constant ego boost for narcissists, reinforcing their sense of superiority and entitlement.
• Avoiding intimacy: Despite their outward charm, narcissists struggle with genuine intimacy and vulnerability. Your reluctance to assert your own needs and emotions can provide a haven for narcissists to avoid true emotional intimacy.

The Emotional Push-Pull Cycle Explained

If you think (or find) yourself in a narcissistic-codependent relationship, you may discover that you're locked in a "push-pull" cycle.

This cycle is you (the codependent) trying to "push" away from the relationship to meet your needs, but find yourself "pulled" back into it due to the narcissist's manipulation techniques.

You might receive moments of praise or love, while they get power and control. But that validation never lasts, and the emotional toll only grows heavier.

Now, this cycle is complex to break because you feel you're getting emotional needs met, but really, you're not getting them at all.

Real-Life Examples of This Dynamic in Families, Romance, and Work

In Family Relationships:

• Narcissistic parents typically prioritize their own needs, seeking admiration and control, which can lead to neglecting their children.
• In response, you may adopt codependent behaviors as a survival strategy. You learned to anticipate and meet the needs of your narcissistic parent, often at the expense of your own emotional well-being and autonomy, setting up a lifelong pattern.
• Codependency in these family dynamics leads to a constant need for approval, fear of abandonment, and difficulty setting boundaries. You may internalize the belief that your worth is tied to pleasing others.
• As a result, you may suppress your own desires, emotions, and opinions, becoming hyper-vigilant to the needs of others in an attempt to maintain stability and avoid conflict.
• As adults, these codependent patterns impact your relationships, work, and health and well-being.

In Romantic Relationships

• Narcissists are often skilled at manipulating and charming others, drawing you in, especially if you are eager to fulfill their needs. The narcissist's inflated sense of self and constant need for admiration can be initially appealing to you, who may mistake it for confidence and strength.
• As the relationship progresses, the covert narcissist becomes more dominant, and their increasingly unreasonable demands and behaviors become more controlling.
• Then, you become enmeshed in a cycle of trying to please the narcissist, sacrificing your freedom, needs, and boundaries in an attempt to maintain the relationship and avoid abandonment.
• In the end, you become hyper-vigilant to the needs and moods of the narcissistic partner, constantly seeking validation and approval.

In Workplace Relationships:

• A narcissistic boss or colleague thrives on praise and control, and a codependent employee overextends themselves to gain approval and avoid criticism.
• If you’re codependent, you may go above and beyond to prove your worth and to prove your affection/commitment to them.
• This can include taking on extra work, over-functioning, or staying late to please a boss. These narcissistic individuals are often drawn to this energy because they can exploit it for personal gain without giving back any support or care.
• A narcissistic boss or colleague might also take credit for your work, ignore your contributions, or manipulate situations to maintain control.
• Because you want to be valued or validated, you may tolerate or even justify these behaviors by working harder and harder, in the hope that they will finally recognize and acknowledge you and your worth.
• You may find yourself constantly walking on eggshells, trying to manage their moods or avoid conflict. Over time, you may find yourself emotionally exhausted, feel resentment, and lose confidence in your own abilities.
• The dynamic often goes unchallenged because you may struggle to assert yourself or say no, while the narcissistic counterpart thrives on control, dominance, and admiration.

How Codependents and Narcissists Are More Alike Than You Think

• Roots in Childhood Experiences: Both codependency and narcissism stem from childhood experiences, which can include dysfunctional family dynamics or trauma. For codependents, that may mean you grew up in a family where your needs were neglected, or you had to focus on someone else's. Narcissists come from similar backgrounds, but instead of pandering to get someone’s love and attention, they develop coping mechanisms that seek external validation and admiration.
• Distorted Perceptions of Self and Others: Both codependency and narcissism involve distorted perceptions of themselves and others. You may have low self-esteem, think you're unattractive, and don’t believe in your self-worth. That’s why you rely heavily on external validation and approval from others to feel valued. On the other side, narcissists have an inflated sense of self-importance and superiority and believe they are unique and entitled to special treatment. The effect is that they view others as inferior or tools to fulfill their needs.
• Dependency on Validation: Healthy individuals tend to get validation from themselves. But both codependents and narcissists rely on others. You may seek validation by meeting the needs of others (such as partners, friends, or family). Narcissists, on the other hand, want constant praise, validation, and attention to maintain their grandiose vision of themselves.
• Difficulty Establishing Boundaries: Both codependents and narcissists struggle with establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries in relationships. If you have weak boundaries, it allows others to take advantage of you, leading you to maintain peace and harmony in the relationship to avoid conflict. On a similar level, narcissists don’t care about others’ boundaries because they manipulate or exploit them to get their needs met.

As you can see, it’s not a shock given the background history of codependents and narcissists that they get drawn to each other in some way.

And while these patterns play out in families, romantic relationships, and even the workplace, they all follow predictable roles, as explained by the Drama Triangle.

Codependents, Narcissists & The Drama Triangle

If you’ve ever felt trapped in cycles of blame, guilt, and rescuing, you’re not alone. These roles are part of what’s called the Drama Triangle, one of the most popular theories based on the relationship between a narcissist and a codependent.

Psychiatrist Stephen Karpman created it and provided extensive insight into the codependency and narcissistic dynamics, focusing on three individuals: the Victim, Rescuer, and Persecutor.

• Persecutor: The narcissist is the Persecutor as they use control and manipulation over their partner.
• Example: They say, and blame, criticize, or belittle you to keep you off balance and seeking their approval.
• Victim: The codependent may adopt the role of the Victim, as they feel powerless and victimized by the narcissist's behavior.
• Example: “You feel powerless, misunderstood, and stuck, often wondering why you can’t fix things."
• Rescuer: The codependent also takes on the role of the Rescuer, attempting to meet the narcissist's needs and maintain the peace.
• Example: “You try to solve all the problems, hoping your efforts will finally make them happy."

Breaking free from this cycle starts with recognizing the role you play, learning to set boundaries, and detecting if you're being pulled into a narcissist-codependent relationship.

Signs a Narcissist Is Creating Codependency in Your Relationship

Not all manipulation is obvious.

Sometimes, a covert narcissist creates codependency in relationships so slowly that you barely notice, until you feel trapped in the relationship. Here are the key signs to watch for:

Love Bombing: Love bombing is an avalanche of gifts, commitments, attention, affection, and praise from the narcissist to lure you into the relationship. But they don't really follow through on any of them.

Gaslighting and Manipulation: "Gaslighting is a psychological manipulation technique in which a person tries to convince someone that their reality is untrue." Watch out for these scenarios where the narcissist claims you did or didn't do something and makes you feel as though you’re overreacting or misremembering things, even when you know deep down you’re right.

Isolation and Control: If you start to notice that your partner is starting to isolate you from friends, family, or anyone (particularly if they have thoughts on the relationship). They slowly claim they're a "problem" so you can avoid them. This isolation makes you more reliant on the narcissist for emotional support and validation.

Loss of Self-Esteem: If you find that your self-esteem and self-worth are slowly eroded, that's the insidious effect of the narcissist. They often try to belittle or criticize you, making you feel unworthy of love or respect --- except for "affection" they're offering you.

How to Overcome the Codependent–Narcissist Relationship

If you feel trapped in a cycle of giving too much and getting hurt in return, you can break free from the codependent–narcissist dynamic.

It starts with awareness and small steps toward reclaiming your confidence.

Start with Awareness

You know the signs to look for, and you know how narcissists might lure you in. Now, use this knowledge to your advantage to detect if you're in this type of cycle. Take inventory of your relationship dynamics, unmet needs, and communication patterns, and then make a move from there.

Set Boundaries

A truly supportive partner would let you enjoy time for yourself, encourage you to take up hobbies, and see friends. If you're not getting this, then make it clear via "I" statements that you want this freedom and why.

Rebuild Your Self-Worth

You are more powerful and confident than you give yourself credit for. Start by reconnecting with your needs and desires. Learn to prioritize your well-being and understand that your worth isn’t tied to the narcissist’s approval.

Seek Therapy or Professional Help

Whether it's traditional therapy or joining The Personal Development School, it's essential to have professional help by your side. Getting a different angle on your relationship can help you understand the patterns in your relationship and provide strategies for creating healthier boundaries.

Go No-Contact (If Needed)

The No-Contact Rule is precisely what it sounds like: a period during which you intentionally cut off all communication with your ex-partner: no texts, no calls, no social media stalking—nothing.

By creating space and distance between you and your partner, you can begin to heal and gain perspective without the emotional turmoil of constant contact.

Takeaways on Narcissist and Codependent Relationships

• Codependency is an unhealthy reliance on another person, becoming "dependent" on them to live one's life.
• There are two types of narcissists: Overt Narcissists (who have a grandiose self-image themselves and have arrogant or entitled behaviors) and Covert Narcissists (who use quiet superiority and their charming and cunning to control others).
• Codependents and narcissists are attracted to each other due to familiarity, desire for validation, sense of control, and rescue fantasies.
• This dynamic can appear in family relationships, romantic partnerships, and work relationships.
• There are many similarities between the two due to childhood experiences, distorted perceptions of themselves and others, and difficulty establishing boundaries.
• Psychiatrist Stephen Karpman created the “Drama Triangle,” which explains the narcissist-codependent relationship in three roles: Victim, Rescuer, and Persecutor.
• You can overcome the narcissist-codependent relationship by acknowledging the patterns, setting boundaries, and building your self-worth.

So, how do you go about healing yourself?

Start by rebuilding your relationship with yourself. Remind yourself that you are worthy of love, respect, and care without having to earn it by over-giving or sacrificing yourself.

Next, create healthy relationship standards that are built on mutual respect, trust, and boundaries, not control or constant approval-seeking.

Healing doesn’t happen alone. Support is key, whether through therapy, coaching, or guided learning. If you are struggling to let go of the hope they'll change, focus instead on healing yourself.

Our Healthy Balance in Relationships: Ending Codependency & Enmeshment course can help you start.

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