7 Ways to Self-Soothe If You Have An Anxious Attachment Style

Self-soothing is a great tool to turn to for those with an anxious attachment style. Self-soothing isn’t always easy, however. Thanks to early attachment experiences in which they may not have gotten what they needed from their caregiver, anxiously attached people often rely on others (very often, romantic partners) to soothe them.

Let's look at what defines an anxious preoccupied person.

What is an Anxious Attachment Style?

Out of the 4 types of attachment styles, the anxiously preoccupied (AP) -- also known as anxiously attached (AA) -- fear abandonment and betrayal and a constant desire for reassurance that the relationship is healthy.

This is due to their childhood living with "part-time" parents. They weren't always there, swinging from being supportive to not. So, as adults, APs now cling or become “people-pleasers” to those when they fear they'll be abandoned.

Their core wounds -- subconscious beliefs you have and project about yourself, formed through repetitive emotional experiences -- include the following:

• I will be abandoned
• I am unsafe
• I will be alone
• I am not good enough
• I will be rejected
• I am unloved
• I am excluded
• I am disliked

These core wounds are important to understand because, without them, you won't be able to self-soothe.

What Do Anxiously Attached People Want in a Relationship?

Whether you're an AP or dating one, knowing what they want in a relationship is essential.

As the former, how can you be happy with anyone if you don't know what you want?

As the latter, it helps to know what your partner wants. It can help bridge the gap to being stronger together and meet each other's needs.

It can also help manage an AP's triggers.

This is what anxious preoccupied people want in a relationship:

• Love, intimacy, closeness, and connection
• Validation, reassurance, approval, and importance
• Certainty, consistency, presence; to feel seen, heard, and understood
• Inclusion, community, collaboration, and teamwork

How to Self-Soothe If You Have An Anxious Attachment Style

While there is a path forward for those with an anxious preoccupied attachment style, and long-term healing is possible, there are in-the-moment tricks that can help, too.

So when attachment triggers come up, try these self-soothing exercises—and to become a more securely attached person permanently, consider signing up for The Personal Development School’s courses.

1) Call a friend or family member for support.

Anxiously attached individuals often believe that they’re supposed to be absolutely everything to their partner and vice versa. Unfortunately, that isn’t realistic. No one can be everything to anyone else, and this expectation can damage the relationship.

So, if you find you need support and your partner is unavailable either physically or emotionally, try reaching out to someone else in your life for support. Is there a family member you can call? A friend? A therapist is a great option, too. Turning to someone else for support will not only soothe you in the moment but help give your partner a break.

When you call your friend or family member, you can give them some context. An example might be, “Hey, I’m struggling a bit today and looking for support. Can you be that person for me?”

2) Distract yourself from whatever is making you anxious.

Distraction isn’t always a good thing. Sometimes, it can be really destructive. But when you’re looking to self-soothe at the moment, distraction can be your best friend.

Let’s go back to the scenario where you texted our partner a few hours ago, and they haven’t texted you back. Instead of starting at your phone, turn off your notifications and put them away. If you’re at work, dive headfirst into a project.

If you’re at home, try to do something else that can easily distract you. Tackle a task you’ve been putting off, like assembling a piece of furniture (always distracting and a little frustrating!), clean your house, or fold laundry. Put on a podcast. Dance around your living room to your favorite song. Call a friend. The time will pass anyway, and staying distracted can be very soothing.

3) Practice your healthy self-connection habits.

Healthy self-connection habits help you connect with yourself so you don’t have to rely on someone else. These types of habits can be beneficial for self-soothing at the moment.

While some people may find that journaling or meditation helps them feel more connected to themselves, others will feel more grounded in habits like knitting, gardening, or cooking.

If you know what your healthy self-connection habits are, engage with them when you’re feeling triggered. To learn more about this and identify your healthy self-connection habits, sign up for The Personal Development School’s course on Integrated Attachment Theory™.

4) Read old text messages from your partner.

It can be hard for anxiously attached people to get out of their heads, especially when their core wounds are triggered. Imagine asking your partner when you’ll see them next, and they say they don’t know. This lack of certainty can be incredibly triggering for an anxiously attached person, who may feel like they’re going to be abandoned because their partner has decided they’re not good enough.

To self-soothe, try looking for proof that this isn’t true. Think of all the times your partner has let you know how much they love and admire you, or better yet, read old text messages or letters that confirm how much they love and care for you. Looking for proof that your beliefs aren’t true can help soothe and ground you.

5) Do something to prove to yourself that you can meet your own needs.

Anxiously attached people are often triggered by certain scenarios because they don’t believe they’re capable of meeting their own needs. Instead, they expect someone else—usually their partner—to meet hose needs.

Imagine your partner is unexpectedly busy on a Saturday night, and you’re suddenly left with a whole night to fill. You feel panicked because you don’t believe you have the ability to make yourself feel better or have a joyful, fulfilling night.

Prove yourself wrong by designing your own perfect Saturday night. This might include:

• Inviting a friend over.
• Having a movie night by yourself and watching your favorite movie with a bowl of popcorn and a pint of ice cream.
• Taking a bubble bath and writing in your journal.
• Taking yourself out on a date in your city or town.

6) Practice deep breathing and somatic processing.

Deep breathing and somatic processing can be excellent in-the-moment tools for self-soothing, especially if you’re feeling unsettled or even panicky in your body. Take a few minutes to count up and back down from ten, or try somatic processing.

7) Question the story you’re telling yourself.

Picture this: You send your partner a text in the middle of the workday asking them how their day is going. They usually do it right away, but this time, a few hours pass, and you don’t get a response.

Your mind runs through a million different scenarios, and none of them are very comforting. You tell yourself your partner is getting sick of you, or that maybe they never made it to work at all and got into a car accident.

While both of these scenarios are possible, they aren’t likely. So, try questioning your story. The more likely scenario is that your partner is busy at work with meetings and simply hasn’t had the time to answer you. Reminding yourself of the more likely thing that’s going on is a great way to self-soothe when your attachment anxiety is triggered.

For somatic processing, try tuning in closely to any emotions you’re holding in your body. These can help give you information about past trauma and experiences and tune in more closely to what your body needs.

How to Fully Heal Your Anxious Attachment Style

Remember, these are meant to be temporary, in-the-moment solutions. To truly overcome these triggers and reactions, you need to become securely attached.

If you want to fully heal from an anxious attachment style, consider taking The Personal Development School’s Advanced Attachment Style Course.

With these tools in place, you’ll be able to develop healthier relationships, better self-connection, meet your own emotional needs more easily and become a more securely attached person.

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