Best Strategies for Intimacy & Sex with Dismissive Avoidants

Intimacy and sex are cornerstones of healthy and long-lasting romantic relationships.

While for some people they might feel they are taboo topics, it’s important to recognize that while compatibility in relationships is pivotal for long-term success, sex and intimacy (aka. chemistry) do hold lots of weight.

There has to be a connection on a deeper level that can bring people together.

However, some people – despite desiring intimacy – might struggle when showcasing these levels of affection.

Particularly if they have a dismissive avoidant attachment style.

Dismissive avoidants tend to struggle with closeness, emotional intimacy, and vulnerability. They tend to crave independence, meaning that acts of intimacy like kissing can be particularly difficult for them.

And this can be problematic for relationships, especially given the importance of intimacy and sex.

Importance of Intimacy in Relationships

Firstly, it’s important to establish that intimacy and sex, even though they overlap, are different.

Intimacy refers to a deeper connection in an interpersonal relationship that encompasses a range of different types of intimacy.

There are four known types: Emotional, Physical (sex), Intellectual, and Experiential.

While each is very different, when combined, they can provide strong foundations for a long-lasting and loving relationship.

That’s why intimacy is so important: it creates a strong, steadfast bond within the relationship, allowing it to continue growing. It leads to very positive outcomes, including better physical and mental health, greater relationship satisfaction, and increased sexual desire.

Dismissive Avoidants & Sex

One of the most common themes of avoidants is that they struggle to form long-term relationships (aka fall in love) and are more likely to engage in casual sex.

That’s because they fear that commitment to someone means being vulnerable and open, and they end up losing their freedom and independence.

Having a relationship means being exposed to deep emotions and commitments, while casual sex is “emotion-free” and doesn’t allow for any connection. Plus, sex offers the chance to reduce stress, be in control, and allow for the intimacy they want without the deeper connection.

But that’s not to say that dismissive avoidants can’t change these patterns; they can very much flip the switch and become committed to a long-term relationship and break the casual sex pattern.

So, whether you have a dismissive avoidant attachment style or your partner does, there are ways to become more intimate.

But let’s take a step back and look at the signs of a dismissive avoidant.

Signs That Your Partner Has a Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style

If you’re wondering if your partner has a dismissive avoidant attachment style, here are some of the top signs to look out for:

They don’t like depending on you or being depended on. While some independence is healthy, people with a dismissive avoidant attachment style tend to want their freedom and are triggered when they feel like their partner needs too much from them.

They have a hard time prioritizing their romantic relationships. Because those with a dismissive avoidant attachment style struggle with any kind of dependence, they often have a hard time putting their romantic relationships first.

They have a hard time with intimacy. Intimacy, whether physical or emotional, is very difficult for those with a dismissive avoidant attachment style. Talking about feelings, kissing, and saying “I love you” might be hard for those with a dismissive avoidant attachment style.

They worry about being controlled. Due to past trauma, those with a dismissive avoidant attachment style don’t want to feel controlled by their partner, and can be triggered by small acts that they interpret as their partner trying to control them.

10 Best Strategies for Intimacy & Sex with Dismissive Avoidants

Here are intimacy tips to try when it comes to dating a dismissive avoidant:

1) Create a safe atmosphere

Make sure that you create a safe and fun atmosphere for them where they feel comfortable expressing themselves. This allows them to slowly open up and get intimate with you. But it might be you who has to take the first step to make them feel safe and secure.

2) Ask them when kissing and intimacy feels safe to them.

Someone with a dismissive avoidant attachment style is unlikely to enjoy PDA. They probably won’t want to kiss, hug, or even hold your hand in public. If this lack of intimacy is getting you down, you can get them more comfortable with intimacy by working on being more intimate when the two of you are alone: Kissing at home, holding hands while you’re watching TV, the list goes on.

3) Dismissive avoidants show their love by spending time with you—so acknowledge that!

One way individuals with a dismissive avoidant attachment style show they love you is by spending time with you. To make sure they feel appreciated and pave the way for greater emotional intimacy, thank them for all the quality time they spend with you. This will help them feel safer and closer to you.

4) Don’t expect them to start hugging and kissing you in public right away.

It’s important to be patient with people with a dismissive avoidant attachment style because intimacy is difficult for them. If they’re working on showing more intimacy in public, don’t expect it to happen overnight—it will take some time. Instead, tread lightly and do your best to notice small moments of intimacy as they become more frequent.

5) Try not to pressure them to have sex.

Individuals with a dismissive avoidant attachment style feel very triggered when their partner starts to point out that you aren’t having sex enough or pressuring them to have sex. This makes them feel like they have to push their partner away to maintain their feeling of freedom and relieve that pressure. This can also trigger feelings of shame for them.

If you’re in a relationship with someone with a dismissive avoidant attachment style, you can make sure to share that sex is important to you. But try not to put too much pressure on them around sex as they work to reprogram their core wounds and become more securely attached.

6) Give your partner opportunities for alone time.

Alone time helps dismissive avoidants feel safe and like they’re not being too heavily depended on and don’t have to depend on someone else. At the same time, their healing journey will ultimately lead them to a place where they feel more comfortable feeling some sense of dependence on their partner. When trying to encourage intimacy, offering them some alone time can give them breathing room and help them to not feel as pressured.

7) Work with your partner on reprogramming core wounds.

With integrated attachment theory, one of the main goals is to reprogram core wounds that were formed in childhood. Ultimately, getting your partner to put in the work to become more securely attached will lead to more natural intimacy between the two of you.

8) Try not to take rejection personally

Just because your partner might not be sexually, physically, or emotionally available at times doesn’t mean it has anything to do with you. Avoidants can withdraw and crave time alone because they need it to recharge. It has nothing to do with you so don’t take the rejection personally.

9) Validate their feelings & compromise

To ensure that avoidants feel comfortable around you, it’s best to validate their feelings and emotions when they express themselves, especially since they are known not to be vulnerable. In many cases, it might seem like it's all one-way traffic, but if you offer compromises, they feel comfortable meeting you halfway.

10) Establish desires around physical touch Physical affection and sex may be different with an avoidant partner. Some thrive on intense sexual desire, while others want to be embraced in a more emotional or intellectual manner. To help get them to that spot, it’s best if you establish what you want and ask what they want. It will help create a foundation to build on.

Watch this video below to learn more!

Takeaways

• Dismissive avoidants are known to struggle with intimacy as it involves being vulnerable and open with others.
• You can know because they don’t like depending on you or being depended on, have a hard time prioritizing the romantic relationship, or worry about being controlled.
• They can tend to avoid long-term relationships and focus on casual, emotion-free sex.
• But they can become committed to a long-term relationship if they feel comfortable.
• You can help them become more intimate by creating a safe space, validating their feelings, not pressuring them to have sex, giving them alone time, and reprogramming core wounds.

If you need help to connect on a deeper level, search for and take our Attachment Styles in Partnership: Exploring Interactions Between Different Styles program.

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