The Relationship Between Alexithymia and Attachment Styles

Have you ever wondered why it’s so hard to identify and express your feelings? Maybe you feel disconnected from them. Or you lack the vocabulary to describe your emotions accurately. Or perhaps you barely feel anything at all.

This is called alexithymia.

It is a broad term that describes general problems with feeling emotions. Many with this condition describe themselves as having difficulty expressing feelings, identifying emotions, or experiencing them.

It’s commonly associated with depression or as a secondary symptom of autism, but research shows a growing link between alexithymia and insecure attachment.

This article will explain:

• What alexithymia is
• The link between alexithymia and insecure attachment
• How alexithymia affects relationships
• Healing and coping strategies

What Is Alexithymia?

The term “alexithymia,” introduced by psychotherapists Peter Sifneos and John Nemiah in 1970, comes from Greek roots meaning “no words for emotions.”

At its core, alexithymia is a difficulty with feeling emotions clearly. People who experience this:

• Can’t easily identify what they’re feeling
• Struggle to describe it to others
• Often confuse emotions with physical sensations (e.g., “My chest feels tight… but I don’t know if I’m sad, anxious, or just tired.”)

What Does Alexithymia Feel Like?

The short answer is that it feels like nothing, or next to nothing.

It can be characterized as feeling “flat,” being unable to express socially acceptable emotions like happiness, experiencing apathy or a lack of empathy, or being unable to describe felt emotions.

There is some belief that alexithymia is the same as numbness or emotional detachment. However, although related, there are differences.

• Emotional detachment is when a person becomes emotionally disconnected from themselves or others. It can be conscious or unconscious.
• Emotional numbness is when you feel nothing, and it’s often a short-term reaction to trauma or grief.

While people with alexithymia can experience these things, alexithymia is not a symptom or a disorder; it’s a personality trait.

Is Alexithymia a Disorder?

No.

Alexithymia is not classified as a mental disorder in the DSM-5 or the ICD-11. It’s also not described as a symptom of existing mental disorders. Instead, it’s considered a personality trait, or a stable pattern of thinking and processing emotions.

That said, it often shows up alongside other conditions. Research links it with:

• Major depression (up to 52% of people with depression may also have alexithymia)
• Autism spectrum traits
• Traumatic brain injuries

What Are Attachment Styles and How Do They Form?

Your attachment style is your emotional blueprint for relationships.

Everyone has one, and they are shaped by how safe and supported you felt expressing emotions in early caregiving environments. These patterns form in childhood and subtly guide how you relate to yourself and others as an adult.

The Four Main Attachment Styles
Securely Attached
Anxious Preoccupied (or Anxiously Attached)
Dismissive Avoidant
Fearful Avoidant (or Disorganized Attached)

If your caregivers responded to your emotions with warmth, consistency, and comfort, you likely formed a Secure Attachment, where emotions feel manageable, and connection feels safe. But if your emotions were dismissed, punished, or ignored, your nervous system may have learned to suppress, hide, or even disconnect from those feelings altogether, resulting in Insecure Attachment.

That’s where the link to alexithymia begins.

Insecure attachment often results in emotional shutdown as a survival strategy. Over time, this can dull your ability to recognize or describe feelings, creating the emotional “blind spots” we associate with alexithymia.

The good news is that attachment styles aren’t set in stone. You can become secure with healing work, like inner child reparenting, secure role modelling, or therapeutic support.

Attachment Style Quiz + Free Resources
Discover how your early experiences shaped your attachment style—and receive personalized guidance to help you move toward secure, connected relationships.

The Link Between Alexithymia and Insecure Attachment

A growing body of research shows that people with insecure attachment styles are much more likely to struggle with alexithymia.

Here’s why:

Insecure attachment is often formed in childhood when a caregiver repeatedly ignores, punishes, or dismisses a child’s emotions. Instead of learning that emotions are safe and worthy of attention, the child adapts by disconnecting from their feelings altogether. This emotional shutdown, once protective, can become automatic over time. As adults, these individuals may have no idea what they’re feeling or why. This is often characterized as alexithymia.

If you felt unsafe expressing emotions as a child, your brain may have adapted by suppressing them. Over time, that suppression becomes second nature, so much so that you may not even have the words for your feelings. That’s the hallmark of alexithymia.

Multiple studies confirm this link.

One large-scale meta-analysis published in Current Psychology (2024) found a robust positive correlation between insecure attachment and alexithymia, driven by three key mechanisms:

• Difficulty identifying and labeling emotions
• Difficulty describing or verbalizing feelings
• A tendency to focus on external facts instead of internal states (called “externally oriented thinking”)

This isn’t just about struggling to communicate one’s internal state. For example, a 2021 study found that people with high levels of alexithymia also tended to report a deep fear of emotional closeness, difficulty with intimacy, and low levels of secure attachment in adulthood.

That study also shows that insecure attachment can interfere with the development of emotional regulation and a stable sense of self, two key ingredients in emotional awareness.

People may either avoid emotions altogether or become overwhelmed, without knowing how to understand what’s happening inside.

How Alexithymia Affects Relationships

When emotions don’t have language, connection suffers.

Research has shown that alexithymia and insecure attachment both predict lower marital satisfaction, especially when fear of intimacy is present. In these cases, people may struggle with empathy, self-disclosure, and creating a sense of emotional safety, leading to chronic disconnection in close relationships.

A common scenario is when one partner says, “I feel distant from you lately,” and the other responds with a shrug or “I don’t know what you mean.” This is not out of defensiveness or ill intent, but because they genuinely don’t know.

This disconnect isn’t just about poor communication; it’s about lacking the emotional models to recognize and respond to feelings in themselves and others. Without those models, empathy breaks down.

When a partner expresses sadness or asks for connection, the alexithymic partner may feel blank, confused, or even irritated, unsure of what’s being asked.

And yes, people with alexithymia can love. But their love is often shown through actions, not emotion. They might be loyal or helpful, but emotionally unreachable.

Healing Alexithymia Through Attachment Work

If you suspect you may struggle with alexithymia, you can take the Toronto Alexithymia Scale self-assessment here. It’s a helpful first step in building self-awareness, where healing begins.

While it can feel deeply ingrained, research shows that emotional awareness and expression can improve. You can learn to identify, regulate, and communicate your feelings with proper support.

At The Personal Development School, our approach uses evidence-based tools that gently rewire your relationship with emotion:

• Inner child work to revisit early experiences that shaped your emotional blueprint
• Workbooks and exercises to expand your feeling vocabulary
• Somatic processing to help you recognize what emotions feel like in the body
• Guided processes to reprogram core wounds and create the safety needed for emotional connection

These tools are designed to help you move from disconnection to clarity at your own pace.

Want to start right away? Here’s a free resource: 5 Steps to Reconnecting with Your Emotions

Want to Start Right Away?
Here’s a free resource: 5 Steps to Reconnecting with Your Emotions!

Additional Resources to Support Your Emotional Growth

Alexithymia isn’t a life sentence; it’s a signal that you never learned to safely name, regulate, or express your emotions. But that can change.

Emotional awareness is a skill, and it can be practiced, nurtured, and strengthened over time. And with the proper support, you can reconnect with yourself and others in powerful ways.

• Principles & Tools for Reprogramming the Subconscious Mind
• Attachment Style Bootcamp
• Healing Family Trauma & Challenging Family Dynamics

You are capable of emotional intimacy, safety, and understanding. And it’s never too late to begin!

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