Coping with Ambiguous Grief

Grief is a personal experience that many people have to go through. 

And while for many, there is a stage-by-stage process (but not for everyone), there is a type of grief that is less discussed: 

Ambiguous grief.

It’s a complex process that can really impact a person’s life, derailing any hope of moving on with their life. 

Understanding and managing ambiguous grief can be challenging, but recognizing it and finding ways to cope can offer relief and healing.

What is Ambiguous Grief?

Ambiguous grief, unlike traditional grief, occurs in situations where loss (whether by death, the lost presence of a loved one, such as a partner, family, or friend, or the end of a relationship) has no clear conclusion or closure. 

The person who experiences ambiguous grief struggles with the uncertainty about the abrupt end of the relationship and has no clarity, resulting in them being unable to process the “traditional grief” of pain and move on to the following stages.

The belief then sets in that “closure” isn’t possible and there is no meaning to life or the loss itself; therefore, the person could spend years or a lifetime struggling to move on. It's almost like the person is in "grief limbo", stuck in purgatory.

The ambiguous theory was established by Pauline Boss, a famous psychotherapist, who believes that labeling the process as “ambiguous grief” (or ambiguous loss) can help people move through the stages and ultimately find a resolution.

Yet...

Two types of ambiguous grief that can occur from different situations and experiences. Let’s take a look at them now. 

The Types of Ambiguous Grief

There are two types of ambiguous grief:

Physical Loss This type of bereavement occurs when someone is physically away but psychologically present.

This refers to situations where someone is gone and unsure if they are safe, alive, or just lost contact. Because you don’t know their situation, their “psychological” presence remains with you. 

Situations can include both severe and non-severe experiences:

• Missing in natural disasters 
• Participating in war 
• Unexplained disappearances, like deportation or kidnapping 
• Divorce or separation
• Estrangement 
• Adoption
• In jail or away in prison 

Psychological Loss This type of absence refers to when someone mentally or emotionally changes and is, therefore, not the person you used to know them as. They’re present with you, but they’re basically a different person. They are “here but not here,” is the common phrase. 

This usually occurs because of events, issues, or conditions that arise, such as: 

• Alzheimer’s disease or dementia 
• Substance addiction 
• Chronic mental illness or cognitive decline 
• Traumatic brain injury (TBI) 
• Loss of dreams and plans 
• Infant death (like miscarriage) 
• The changing nature of a person in a relationship

However, like most situations or conditions, you might realize they’re struggling with the loss of someone they loved but have not realized they are missing the closure to move on.

That’s why it’s important to recognize the signs or symptoms of ambiguous grief. 

Signs of Ambiguous Grief

Recognizing ambiguous grief can be challenging, but some common signs include:

• Prolonged periods of sadness due to persistent feelings of depression, melancholy, and remorse or guilt. The person can also feel loneliness and conflicting feelings about moving on. 
• A constant state of confusion and worry (such as intense anxiety) due to the nature of the loss itself. This might lead to sense of controlling others intendly to avoid a similar loss.
• Feelings of abandonment, even though it's not the person's fault or intention.
• Emotional numbness is when someone struggles to attach themselves to others, remaining “numb” to their emotions. 
• Difficulty in moving forward in their lives, constantly focusing on the person or the event itself. Also known as a state of being “frozen”.
• Feeling hopeless about the future and life (similar to intense depression).
• Physical symptoms, including headaches, migraines, digestive issues, and inability to sleep.
• A dependency on substances such as drugs or alcohol to numb or get over the pain.

All these signs lead to an even bigger problem: it impacts the ability of the person to process their grief and move on with their life.

How Ambiguity Impacts The Grief Process

A regular 5-stage grief process (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance) does not mean that everyone goes through a process in this particular order.

Still, there is an “expectation” that people can come out of the other end.

That’s because people get the closure they need from the end of the relationship. Without a definitive event or resolution, individuals may find it hard to acknowledge, validate, or express their grief (something like mourning at a funeral).

The person feels extremely isolated and cannot continue because they don’t have a firm knowledge or idea of what has happened. It's very complicated and unresolved emotions that derail the healing process. 

It has also been stated it can result in "generational trauma" passed through mothers and fathers due to unresolved grief.

This contrasts heavily with “anticipatory grief”, where there is an anticipation and an expectation of the grief that’s coming. This can occur when someone goes through a terminal illness (and is nearing death), or when divorce or separation is expected.

Watch this exclusive webinar about processing grief to find innner peace

How to Cope with Ambiguous Grief

It can be very challenging to overcome ambiguous grief without the proper steps laid out in front of you. Here’s how you (or how you can help someone) move past this awful experience. 

1—Acknowledge Your Feelings

It’s important to recognize, validate, and understand your emotions. Even if they’re confusing or inconsistent, taking the time to accept the situation you’re in will allow you to make that crucial first step toward healing.

2—Use Your Support Network

Going through something like this alone is incredibly difficult. That’s why reaching out to friends, family, group therapy, the PDS community, or a therapist can be helpful. Sharing these similar experiences will ensure you are able to move past this loop of grief, as they’ll offer you words of comfort and different perspectives.

3—Reprogram Your Beliefs

You would have developed beliefs about what happened or what you believed has happened. These beliefs cause you to stay in a loop of experiencing these same feelings over and over. That’s why reprogramming them subconsciously — telling yourself a different story — is the best way to break that loop. By targeting these patterns at the subconscious level, you’ll be able to experience powerful shifts in your life.

4—Do Things You Value Overcoming loss is hard enough when you don’t have something to motivate you. Focus on a cause or something you like to do. This will not only provide a distraction but will also help motivate you to embrace the next step in your life. Use what you’ve learned about yourself before discovering what you’d like to do. You might even meet some of those unmet needs you didn't get when younger.

5—Focus on What You Can Control

Identify aspects of your life where you can exert control and focus your efforts there. This can help alleviate feelings of helplessness and confusion about your life. It will be challenging at first, but it over time, it will provide a sense of accomplishment. Just be mindful not to get too controlling.

6—Practice Self-Care

Firstly, engage in activities that nurture your well-being, such as exercise, relaxation techniques, or hobbies. Taking care of your physical and mental health can help manage the stress associated with ambiguous grief. Secondly, create routines for your life to establish a sense of normalcy. Stability and structure amidst uncertainty and routine activities can offer a comforting sense of predictability.

7—Embrace Flexibility

You might feel the need to control everything, which can lead to intense anxiety and a dark path. So, at the same time, when you have a routine and have slowly begun to accept your new reality, recognize that you may require flexibility and patience. Be open to adjusting your coping strategies as your situation evolves.

8—Accept Your Reality

Understand the situation you’re in, and over time, you might come to realize that this “is what life is”. You might never get answers or know, and that’s just okay. Accepting this type of loss and the fact you can’t do anything may help you find closure. 

Summary of Ambiguous Grief

• Ambiguous grief occurs in situations where the loss of a person or relationship lacks closure. 
• This results in the person being “stuck” and unable to move on from the grieving process.
• There are two types of ambiguous grief: physical (where someone is not present but is there psychologically) and psychological (where someone is present with you but not psychologically recognizable anymore). 
• This grief occurs in situations from war, unexplained disappearances, Alzheimer’s disease or dementia, chronic mental illness, or traumatic brain injury (TBI).
• Signs of ambiguous grief can vary but usually include prolonged sadness, emotional numbness, and difficulty moving forward. 
• Coping strategies can include reprogramming beliefs, accepting your reality, getting support, and building in self-care routines.

If you do need support to help you overcome your grief, we offer a particular course: Transform Depression, Trauma Thoughts & Sadness. Feel free to sign up.

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