What Triggers a Fearful Avoidant?

Everyone experiences intense emotional and mental triggers -- especially fearful avoidants.

Understanding what triggers a fearful avoidant is essential to know how to manage and control these emotional triggers.

That's the focus of today's blog. We'll be looking at:

• What is a fearful avoidant attachment style
• What are emotional triggers
• What triggers a fearful avoidant
• And how to heal fearful avoidant attachment triggers

What is the Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style?

The fearful avoidant (sometimes referred to as a disorganized) is one of four attachment styles, including dismissive, anxious preoccupied, and secure.

The fearful avoidant attachment style is developed through childhood chaos and trauma, living in a household that may have been extremely chaotic or even abusive (either verbal, mental, emotional, or physical).

This chaotic upbringing results in the child craving an emotional, positive, and loving connection while instilling a sense of impending betrayal. They associate love with pain because every time they reach out for love to their parents, they get it initially before it returns through chaos or abuse.

That's why, in adulthood, fearful avoidants tend to display very turbulent tendencies in relationships.

• Some of the most common traits include:
• Being unpredictable and having difficulty trusting others
• A deep belief that they must earn love from others
• Being highly focused and an overachiever
• Face deep hardship and potentially struggle with substance abuse
• May experience intense feelings of inadequacy
• Feel their emotions strongly
• Highly empathetic and giving by nature
• Hypervigilant toward the feelings and actions of others
• Despite fearing it, they have an innate desire for depth of emotional connection, leading them to swing between very “hot” to very “cold” in relationships

Now that we know how a fearful avoidant can act in a relationship, let's look at what triggered them to feel this way.

What is a Trigger?

An emotional or mental health trigger refers to a sensory reminder of a traumatic event, causing a painful memory to resurface.

There are two types of triggers: internal and external.

Internal refers to situations where you feel “triggered” due to personal experiences. For example, you could have been recovering from a chronic illness, which feels terrible. You think you’ve recovered, but suddenly you have symptoms again, which ignites your triggers.

Other internal situations can include anxiety, feelings of abandonment, being alone, pain, sadness, or experiences related to painful events.

External refers to situations where outside factors pull your triggers. For example, you could be fighting with your partner, and it triggers a previous painful experience. Another example is when you watch a movie that reminds you of a terrible situation.

Other external triggers include sensory reminders (like sound, sight, smell), physical sensation, dates or anniversaries, or specific words and conversations. It can even include specific people (like those escaping or running away from abusive relationships).

This emotional and mental change can be swift and come out of nowhere, and it can cause significant pain and hardship.

Many people experience anxiety-like symptoms, including fast-paced breathing, headaches, sweating, and much more, which can surprise friends or family because it seems out of proportion.

But that's because the trigger is so powerful that it makes the person relive the original trauma.

In some ways, it’s very much a “fight-or-flight reaction” due to the fear of the threat being posed.

This “release of adrenaline and cortisol, preparing the body to either confront the threat directly or flee from it”, results in a very strong “physiological reaction encompasses increased heart rate, heightened senses, a surge of energy, and other bodily adjustments to enhance survival capabilities in the face of perceived danger”.

So it’s not a shock that disorganized avoidants, due to their turbulent upbringing, can experience many emotional and mental triggers. Knowing them is the first step to help you control them.

What are the Triggers of the Fearful Avoidant?

A lack of trust

Any suspicion that trust has been broken in any shape or form can trigger a fearful avoidant. They place a great deal of belief that trust is vital in relationships, given their childhood experiences.

And given their intense nature, little things can be triggering for them. These include:

• Lack of transparency
• Secrecy or lying
• Not keeping promises
• Passive aggressiveness
• Inconsistency between words and actions

Behaving inconsistently or seeming distant or distracted

If partners, family, or friends act out of "order," according to a fearful avoidant, they tend to assume something is wrong.

This can include situations like:

• Coming home late from work or events
• Doing something different than usual
• Forgetting important events, such as a birthday or anniversary

They might suspect the person dislikes them or is doing something behind their back.

Similar to the issue of trust, it can cause them to feel triggered.

Attempting to become emotionally close

If a fearful avoidant is trying to establish an emotional and positive connection and it's rebuffed, it can cause an emotional trigger. That's because they're opening themselves up and being vulnerable, which they don't necessarily like to do.

They'll then tend to swing the other way -- the hot to cold trigger -- and slowly start to shut down or build walls around the relationship.

Brushing them off when they’re reaching out for attention and affection should be avoided when dating or having a relationship with a fearful avoidant, particularly if they love you too.

Becoming dependent in the relationship

Fearful avoidants, due to their upbringing, tend to rely on themselves a lot (despite the innate desire to get into a serious relationship).

They tend to be triggered if they feel they're becoming dependent on a partner, family member, or friend.

They fear that the person will betray them if they get too close, just like they experienced in childhood.

Confronting them with intensity or creating an emotional situation

Fearful avoidants can be very passionate and intense about specific topics or subjects. That's why engaging them or creating an emotional environment can set them off.

Being calm, transparent, and honest while keeping the stakes low is the best way to approach fearful avoidants.

Feeling unworthy

A fearful avoidant has an “I’m defective” core wound triggering them. They might have low self-esteem, so they quickly feel inadequate or inferior. They tend to overthink much about what others think of them.

So, when things go wrong, whether in relationships, personally, or at the workplace, they're quick to blame themselves.

Creating a "Trigger" Safety Plan

A safety plan can be described as an “action plan” that people can use when they feel under threat from themselves and perceived threats.

The purpose of a safety plan is to create space for yourself so that you can take a step back and manage the symptoms from the triggers.

This can be very useful for fearful avoidants when their triggers are intense and extreme, as this predetermined plan provides a sense of control during these very painful and distressing moments.

And within this safety plan, you can include some of the tools to heal fearful avoidant attachment triggers.

How to Heal Fearful Avoidant Attachment Triggers

For a fearful avoidant to overcome and manage their triggers effectively, they should apply the following tools:

Address your core wounds

According to Integrated Attachment Theory™, core wounds are the foundation of why emotional and mental triggers occur. Each attachment style has its core wounds, so approaching them is unique for each case.

For Fearful avoidants, identifying and addressing core wounds from the beginning, can help heal and manage triggers better in the future.

Change your attachment style

Fearful avoidants are part of the insecure attachment styles, which also include anxiously attached and dismissive avoidants. However, people can change their attachment style by becoming securely attached.

Being securely attached means you'll be able to manage and control your triggers better than ever before, reducing your own anxiety and stress.

However, changing your attachment style takes a lot of effort, patience, and time. So go slow and be patient with yourself.

Open up emotionally to important people

The best thing people can do regarding any of their relationships is be honest and upfront about their triggers.

That way, your partner, friends, or family can manage their actions to stop you from reacting. It might seem challenging and difficult to do, but it's the best way to start healing your triggers and strengthening your relationship at the same time.

Reset and use meditation or mindfulness

Sometimes, it's best to hit the pause button in the heat of a trigger.

Managing an emotional trigger in a relationship is as simple as pausing to take a breath.

When you do this, it becomes easier to step back and understand why you’re so triggered—is it actually the person’s behavior, or is it a past trauma bringing something up for you?

From there, you can begin using meditation and mindfulness to help you manage your triggers. This will help you better understand why certain things are triggering for you (often, they’re rooted in childhood traumas) and working to stay in the present moment.

Supporting a "Triggered" Fearful Avoidant

Dating a fearful avoidant can be a complex and challenging experience due to the intensity and possible consistency of these emotional triggers.

These situations may make your fearful partner push you away, but it’s not an intentional approach. They do have fears of betrayal and pain, particularly with emotional demands in the relationships. But it’s merely their response to the pain and might have nothing to do with you at all!

Yet, if a fearful avoidant loves you, they’ll go above and beyond in the relationship to ensure the partnership thrives. They truly love to be in a chemistry-filled-and-compatible relationship where they can build a future together.

You can support them by moving away from their fearful avoidant attachment style by reassuring them that you care and are committed to them, provide them with a safe space, and don’t judge them or reject them.

But most importantly you can help them get there by assisting them to overcome these triggers. Here’s how you can do it:

• Make them feel safe in the moment. Let them know that you’re there for them to support them and reassure them that everything will be okay.
• Launch the Safety plan. This is what the plan is there for, so get them to activate it as soon as possible to bring down any triggers.
• Be patient and understanding of the triggers. They might even seem absurd to you but they can cause your partner great pain. Try to let them express themselves and understand their viewpoint.
• Encourage them to seek help. Point them toward this blog post so they can learn how to manage these triggers or help them seek professional help.

Takeaways

• A fearful avoidant grew up in childhood chaos and trauma, living in a household that may have been extremely chaotic or even abusive.
• These experiences mean they can experience intense and emotional triggers, which are sensory reminders of a traumatic event, causing a painful memory to resurface.
• Fearful avoidant triggers can include trust-breaking situations, behaving inconsistently, being distant or distracted, attempting to become emotionally close, or becoming dependent on the relationship.
• Healing these triggers includes addressing the core wounds that cause these issues, opening up emotionally to important people, and using meditation or mindfulness.
• A partner can help by launching the safety plan, making them feel safe in the moment, and encouraging them to seek help.

If you're a fearful avoidant, and are interested in learning more, consider our Release Emotions with Somatic Processing course to help you manage your triggers.

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