How to Overcome Anxious Attachment

Overcoming an anxious attachment style can be done.

Known as anxious preoccupied or anxiously attached, this style is formed in childhood due to inconsistent parenting, such as a parent who worked long, unpredictable hours, to the point where a child never knew if and when their parent would be there to care for them.

This creates a fear of abandonment and, in adulthood and romantic relationships, the fear of others leaving them.

An anxiously attached individual typically seeks reassurance often in a relationship (such as calling or texting multiple times) due to a parenting style that left them feeling alone or abandoned.

The result is that they have a hard time self-soothing or getting in touch with their own feelings and needs.

That's why it's important to understand the origins and mind of an anxiously attached individual, so you know how to overcome it.

The Anxious Attachment Style

What Causes Anxious Attachment?

Firstly, let’s look at where the anxious attached style originates.

A person with an anxiously attached style grew up in inconsistent households where there was absenteeism and a lack of an emotional connection between the child and the parents.

There are two types of inconsistent households when it comes to anxiously attached people:

• The child lives in a household with two incredibly busy parents, and while their relationship is excellent, they don’t see them much.
• The child has a closer connection with one parent than the other, so they become reliant on one parent.

This creates deep-seated fears of abandonment for the child, where they unwittingly seek reassurance and love when in a relationship in adulthood. It becomes a trigger for them, which you can tell from their traits.

Anxious Attachment Style Characteristics

An anxiously preoccupied person can display many “classic” traits when their needs and expectations aren’t met. These include:

• Difficulty spending time alone
• Fear of abandonment
• Struggling with time alone (this is common for those in long distance relationships)
• The constant worry that something bad will happen
• Low self-esteem and confidence
• Unwilling stuck in a codependent relationship without any interdependency
• The constant need for reassurance from a partner
• Having a hard time self-soothing or reassuring yourself

These characteristics are most notably seen when they're in a relationship.

How an Anxious Attachment Style Shows Up in Relationships

An anxious attachment style can impact all kinds of relationships, but it can be particularly difficult to navigate in romantic relationships.

Someone who is anxiously attached may find themselves calling or texting their partner regularly either to make sure they’re OK or for confirmation that they still love them.

They may also may become jealous, clingy, co-dependent, and have difficulty setting boundaries with their partner due to fear of rejection.

Additionally, their triggers can be exacerbated by other insecure attachment styles. For example, if someone with a dismissive attachment style withdraws, someone with an anxious attachment style may have their fear of abandonment triggered.

Conversely, someone with a dismissive attachment style may feel overwhelmed when their anxiously attached partner seeks validation—this is called the “anxious-avoidant trap.”

This can all lead to issues for an anxiously attached person in a relationship. So, how do they thrive?

Simple! To overcome an anxious preoccupied style, people with an anxious attachment style must understand their wants and needs in a relationship:

• Love, intimacy, closeness, and connection
• Validation, reassurance, approval, and importance
• Certainty, consistency, and presence
• To feel seen, heard, and understood by their partner
• Inclusion, community, collaboration, and teamwork

These desires are entirely normal and, honestly, very fulfilling. That’s why anxiously attached people are so great in relationships – they truly desire them, will commit to their partner, and work together as a team.

Anxious Attachment: Expectaions & Coping Habits

However, these desires can lead to unrealistic expectations, which can cause friction. These include:

• My partner should soothe my emotions and give me certainty at all times
• My partner should know how I feel without me having to explain
• My partner should be available and responsible for meeting all of my needs
• Our romantic relationship should be my partner’s highest priority
• Romantic gestures in a relationship should be frequent

And when these expectations aren’t met, anxiously attached partners tend to act out.

That’s why if someone (even yourself) showcases these signs and coping mechanisms, they might have an anxious attachment style.

• Struggle to set boundaries in relationships
• Feel unloved or emotionally abandoned when others put up boundaries
• Self-sabotage their own boundaries because do maintain proximity
• Clinging to someone to maintain closeness
• Testing a partner’s devotion by making them do tasks
• Trying to provoke an expression of care or attention-seeking behaviors
• Expressing panic, anxiety, or neediness when separated from someone
• Criticizing or fawning over a partner

Now, it might seem intense that people with an anxious attachment style act in this way.

But that’s because their fears are deeply rooted in their subconscious mind. And that leads to one of the most common questions we can get asked the most at The Personal Development School:

Can You Heal Your Anxious Attachment Style?

And here’s our answer…

Can You Heal Your Anxious Attachment Style?

Yes, you certainly can heal your anxious preoccupied attachment style.

You can overcome these patterns and coping mechanisms while changing their beliefs (expectations).

You can do it by addressing your core wounds, meeting your personal and relationship needs, and reprogramming your subconscious mind.

Let’s start with the first concept:

Core wounds are subconscious beliefs you have and project about yourself, formed through repetitive emotional experiences.

Understand those, and you’ll know what you have to change.

Here are the core wounds for anxiously attached people:

• I will be abandoned
• I am unsafe
• I will be alone
• I am not good enough
• I will be rejected
• I am unloved
• I am excluded
• I am disliked

As for needs – the essential requirements you need to feel fulfilled with yourself and in a relationship – well, we already touched on those above.

As for reprogramming your subconscious mind, that’s the answer to how to overcome an anxious attachment style.

8 Ways to Overcome an Anxious Attachment Style

1) Identify Your Core Beliefs & Patterns

One of the first steps to overcoming an anxious attachment style is identifying exactly what core beliefs and thinking patterns look like for your adult self.

To do this, you can try an Integrated Attachment Theory process called the BTEA Process, which stands for “beliefs lead to thoughts which lead to emotions and actions.”

By uncovering these, you can work to reprogram any limiting beliefs and behaviors.

Here’s how to do it:

• Identify the triggering event (e.g., your partner didn't go out with you).
• Recognize your action or coping mechanism (e.g., You became clingy and started calling your partner non-stop).
• Label the emotion you felt when engaged in that event (e.g., betrayed and abandoned)
• Untangle the thoughts (e.g., consider what you thought about yourself during this interaction).
• Establish your core wounds (e.g., assess the beliefs about yourself during that moment and focus on which one you want to reprogram -- I will be abandoned).

2) Use Autosuggestion Re-Programming Rituals

Autosuggestion rituals reprogram the subconscious mind in the quickest and most impactful way. Through repetition and emotion, you can rewire your beliefs to change your core wounds.

This ritual uses a trance-like state that we can create ourselves through a body scan, deep meditation, or breathwork.

In the first hour after we wake up and the last hour before we go to bed, our brains can enter this state more easily, so that might be the best time of day for you to try this exercise.

Here’s how to do it:

• Think of a core wound – I will be abandoned.
• Find 10-15 examples of where, why, and how you are doing enough to change that core wound.
• Check in with the seven areas of life (Career, Financial, Emotional, Physical, Spiritual, Mental, and Relationships) to find 1-3 more examples.
• Try to feel the emotion in your body and anchor it into the nervous system when thinking of your response.

3) Thought Upgrading & Emotional Processing

This exercise aims to question the stories you tell when you notice you’re triggered. This way, you can recognize and strategize to meet your needs.

Here are the steps:

• Think of an unresolved event with any person, conversation, or situation, and write your thoughts or beliefs about it.
• Then, challenge that story by finding three pieces of proof opposing the original belief.
• Next, write about what you need in this situation to create relief for yourself.
• Then, think about a healthy strategy to get this need met.

4) Update Your Coping Mechanism Strategies

This exercise aims to question the stories you tell when you notice you’re triggered. This way, you can recognize and strategize to meet your needs.

Here are the steps:

• Think of an unresolved event with any person, conversation, or situation, and write your thoughts or beliefs about it.
• Then, challenge that story by finding three pieces of proof opposing the original belief.
• Next, write about what you need in this situation to create relief for yourself.
• Then, think about a healthy strategy to get this need met.

5) Practice Questioning Your Stories

Notice what stories come up for you in anxious moments, and practice challenging and questioning those stories. For example, if your partner doesn’t call you back when you said they would, you may naturally jump to the conclusion that they got into a car accident.

By noticing and acknowledging that this is a fear-based emotion—which is likely the result of inconsistent support you received as a child—and going inward instead, you can question this story.

By continuing to question this story repeatedly, you’ll start to go inward and create new neuropathways until, eventually, the worst-case scenario isn’t always where your brain goes.

6) Try Somatic Processing to Meet Your Needs

Ask yourself on a regular basis what you’re feeling right now. You can do this by practicing somatic processing or sitting still and paying attention to what you’re feeling in your body. You can follow this up by asking yourself what you need and how you can meet those needs yourself.

If you’re feeling unsupported, your instinct might be to look to someone else, like your romantic partner, for support, but finding a way to support yourself is crucial to overcoming an anxious attachment style and bringing a healthy balance back to your relationship.

You can also turn to people outside your relationship to get certain needs met, such as family members or friends.

7) Go Through Healthy Habits for Self-Connection Daily

Engaging in habits that help you feel truly connected with yourself is an important exercise for overcoming an anxious attachment style. One example might be meditation, so you might carve out 10 minutes a day to meditate.

Other examples could be breathwork or eating healthy, nourishing meals. Regardless of what your specific healthy habit for connection is, the most important thing is that you follow through with them.

You can follow this up by asking yourself self-reflection questions to help you keep committing to yourself. This will help you be in touch with your reality, not the reality of someone else.

8) Be Open with Your Partner About Your Needs

Regardless of the attachment style of your partner, they may be confused and frustrated by the behaviors or words that come from having an anxious attachment style. Helping them understand your needs and even your attachment style can help them be more patient and understanding with you.

While having an anxious attachment style can be difficult, there’s quite a bit you can do to reprogram your brain and reparent yourself to become more secure.

Watch this video to learn how to heal your anxious attachment!

Takeaways

• Anxiously attached individuals crave and desire to be in a loving and caring relationship.
• However, when their needs or expectations are not met, they can display some intense traits, including struggling to set boundaries, clinging to someone to maintain closeness, or testing a partner’s devotion by making them do tasks.
• You can certainly heal your anxious preoccupied attachment style by reprogramming your subconscious core wounds and beliefs.
• You can do this by using our advanced tools, including the BTEA Process, Autosuggestion Re-Programming Rituals, and Thought Upgrading & Emotional Processing.

The Next Step for Anxiously Attached…

The most important thing is that you can heal your anxious attachment style. You don’t have to be stuck with the same patterns, beliefs, and expectations for life. It will require work, time, and patience, but you have the potential to do it.

The best place to start is with our Stop Abandonment & Rejection in A Relationship (Anxious Attachment Style Re-Programming) course.

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